Monday, May 21, 2007

Dear Ms. Smartypants

Here is the first installment of my advice, support and information column. Questions can be submitted Friday through Sunday, and will be answered on Monday. Questions Monday through Thursday?? You're on your own. Take it like a man.

georgia said...
1. When is it appropriate to wear pantyhose ?

Good question, gentle reader. It is appropriate to wear pantyhose at any occasion, but especially with high-waisted jeans and orthopedic shoes or sandals. This makes for a neat and attractive appearance.

2. If God is I AM does that make the devil I AM NOT ?
The devil is classically referred to as, I AIN’T. A grammarian’s hell is everyone’s hell.

3. Why does Eminem dance in ways we would scold our children from doing in public?
This reporter believes Eminem, or “Marshall” may have some incontinence issues, thus he regularly employs what is commonly known as the “pee-pee dance”.

4. How many times in one day can Toby climb into places he is not supposed to be?
Assuming “Toby” wakes up at 8 a.m., and goes to bed at 9 p.m., with a 2 hour nap, 330 would be a loose estimate.

~*~crystal~*~ said...
5. So is like kissing before you’re married like sin? LOL

Dear reader… my, dear, dear reader. Of course it is.

anonymous said...
6. dear jess,
why is it that my froggy makes me smile?

Batrachomania, I would suspect.

josharoo said...
7. How popular worldwide is eating frog legs?

Frog legs have lost popularity in most civilized nations. They are still quite favored in France, along with cowardice and “weenie” mustaches.

clammy said...
8. i had 2 really good questions, and i really tried hard on them, and then google did something crazy, and they're GONE!


josharoo said...
9. How many empire state buildings could fit on their sides in Boeing's Everett, WA airplane plant (the largest building in the world by volume

It’s unlikely that you could fit any Empire State Buildings in said building. There is only one, and the legalities of removing it are quite iffy. Also in question is the logistics of moving it to Washington, and turning it on its side. And what would you do with all the airplanes? Silly reader.

10. Why did I have to start plucking ear hairs in my mid-20’s?

This reporter suspects that is when you began your mating rituals.

11. Why do clams do frivolous law suits?
Our society is increasingly litigious. It is no surprise to this reporter that sealife would be drawn into the fray.

anonymous said...
12. why do the folks in australia eat joshburgers? & what do they taste like?

From the site :
“If you’re curious what goes into my Louisiana-themed Joshburger (this makes three burgers):
1 pound lean ground beef
A few shizzle-dizzles of Tony Chachere’s Original Creole Seasoning [Chachere’s is pronounced “SASH-er-ees,” by the way. If you can’t remember the spelling, you can always get to the web site via]
A few shiznits of Tiger Sauce
A few schlemiels of boring ol’ grated parmesan cheese
A few schlemazels of Worcestershire sauce
Mix it all in a bowl. Fashion it into three patties — make ‘em a little skinny, like a modified hot dog.
Grill it up (go George!) to medium rare — about four minutes. While that’s going on, slather Zatarain’s creole mustard on two hot dog buns.
Then split the patty in half and slap ‘em on the buns. (Note: This frankfurter-fueled improvisation was caused by my lack of hamburger buns. But it works!) Then — this is key — sprinkle a little extra Tony Chachere’s and splatter a little extra Tiger Sauce on the meat.”

This sounds especially tasty to this reporter as she eats her lukewarm oatmeal. The likelihood of a random Louisiana blogger’s recipe rocking the continent of Australia is slim.

josharoo said...
13. Why do Anons never give a name or handle, even after being told to?

There’s no accounting for some anons.

anonymous said...
18. how many times in one hour can Toby get into mischief?

At a rate of one misdeed per 3 minutes (a conservative estimate), 20 times.

bethc said...
19. how many children did the old woman who lived in the shoe have? was it an old shoe or a new shoe?

It depends on the region in which the tale is told. In The Woodlands, Texas, that would be three children. In Rice Village, one.
The age of the shoe: In the Woodlands, 24.
In Rice Village, 39.

shannon2-24 said...
20. How many pecks of pickled peppers did Peter Piper EAT? I don't care how many he picked.. how many did he EAT?

The tone of this question is a little hostile to this reporter. Nonetheless, he ate 16 peppers.

21. Is it okay to not sweep up the floor under a highchair after every food-flying fun session?
Absolutely. The key is removing all debris at 4:30, so persons of the male persuasion don’t have to look at the filth and chaos of 300 Cheerios™ and assorted ends of Vienna Sausage. Or buying a large racecar rug and placing it under said chair.

22. Is it okay to be totally in awe of your child when they keep clapping over & over at MOPS while the leaders are giving away gifts (Oprah favorite's style) while everyone is repeatedly clapping? It is, unless your child is a “punk”.

23. Do many moms occasionally bop their child's head on the inside of the car roof while pulling the child from the car seat??
 Yes. The child will eventually develop protective mechanisms like arching and throwing himself from the vehicle as soon as his restraints are removed.

24. What was the temperature here in the NW this last Monday the 14th??

I don’t know, but I would venture a guess:
High 57 °F / 13 °C
Low 41 °F / 5 °C

25. a serious one:
Why do you think that God required blood/death to pay the remission of sins? first with animals, then our Saviour, once for all. this has been something I've wondered. something we'll never understand? just because sin is serious? why not just give grace?
A world where evil went unpunished would be hell on earth. The subsitutionary principle of redemption is grace.

angelag said...
If you're (pretend it's me) walking on a road in the mountainous woods...let's say...Colorado Rockies, and two bears are coming toward you from your left at an increased rate of speed. On your right is a potentially frightened skunk. Directly in front of you is a rattle snake, and behind you is a cliff with unknown bottom. What advice would you give me for that moment?

I would quit pretending I was you and finish my oatmeal. Advice for you? I would, to use the vernacular, “Put your head between your knees and kiss your butt goodbye.”

anonymous said...
27. Dear Jessica,
My little brother took my pet cricket and feed it to his pet iguana. Now I want to take his pet iguana and feed it to my pet boa constrictor. If I do this, he may take my pet boa and feed it to his pet 12 foot alligator. Should I feed his pet iguana to my pet boa? 
Reptile in the Republic

This reporter is surprised that a parent has not fed you both to the alligator. Your home sounds like a swamp. Feed the iguana and the boa to the alligator, then set the alligator loose in Artesian Lakes. They will know what to do.

angelag said...
28. Let's say that one's parents raised their child telling them that they ("one") were raised by the monkeys. Then, as an adult, one starts growing hair on one's knuckles. Should one believe that their parents were, in fact, telling the truth all those years, and not just trying to make their sweet child cry and feel adopted? 
And, if so, should one then return to the monkey home they ("one") were apparently raised in? ...Even though there was no memory of said monkey raising.

This is the kind of question that keeps dedicated, serious bloggers going. By all means, return to your monkey home.

anonymous said...
29. If a twister by twisting, could twist a twist with three twists of his twister, he twist the twist. And if in twisting the twist, he untwist one twist; did the twist that untwisted untwist the whole twist??
~Ruminating in Romania

That depends on what was twisted. If it was a birthday streamer, it would be entirely untwisted. If it were a more twist-holding substance, the jury is out. If it was in fact, a tornado, everything would be untwisted. Unless it was a twister in Shenandaoh, in which case the local constabulary would have it incarcerated for twisting at 47 mph in a 45 zone.


  1. haha!!

    love the last one


  2. People like you and I, though mortal of course like everyone else, do not grow old no matter how long we live...[We] never cease to stand like curious children before the great mystery into which we were born.

    - Albert Einstein, "in a letter to Otto Juliusburger"

  3. Very funny! Had a hard time holding my laughter. Agree with Napalm, that last one cracked me up.

    I'll have to work on the logistics of moving the Empire and laying it on it's side.

  4. Great job, Abessica.

    I really like the kid throwing himself from the car.

  5. A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.

    Robert Quillen (1887-1948)
    Humorist and publisher

  6. Ms. Smartypants, i love the new column. Great work!

    And truly, your advice on the bear, snake, skunk, cliff conundrum was much better than mine. The use of the vernacular in that situation was very effective.


  7. Sometimes, you just have to go where the people are...

  8. LOL!! Good reading from the words of the wise Ms. Smartypants! How ever did you get to be such a smartypants?? ...Lemme guess...lukewarm oatmeal?

  9. Smartypantsing run deep in the Stanley / Clark families.

  10. On Monday, May 14, the high temperature was 82! Niiice. Unusual for Spring here. Not sure of the low temp.

    Yes, did sound hostile on the peppers : ) yet just giving some emphasis, will not use caps next time. ha ha Awesome 16.. wow, belly full of vinegar.. yuck!

    Oh ya!! the devil is "I Aint".. ya boooy, you ain't it! (said in gangsta tone) ; D
    that was funny, Jess.. I mean Ms. Smartypants

    Keith did this arching thing a couple days ago.. to my dismay that it was beginning. I only resisted for a moment, noticed him trying to discover the light above his head, allowed him to touch the light, said, "light!" this made him smile, calmed him, allowed me to strap him in. wow, to my surprise! just needed a little delight in something, then sat happily playing in his seat. hmm, this may not always work.

    no punishment for sin would be quite dire, i agree, ms. s.
    Although if there were the fear of hell on judgment day.. & the choice of us receiving grace by God without a needed atonement through Jesus, wouldn't that work?

    I was more referring to the base need of atonement, wheat falling to ground to give life.. things like that..

    for sure the atonement, Jesus' heart to do it is lovely, someone to thank for taking the pain that was needed, yet I'm just wondering why it was needed.

    I kind of feel that it is just the way God made it.. no explanation given Scripturally. We are to see that is was needed & be thankful in our act of receiving Jesus.

    If anyone else has comments on it, I'm interested in hearing.
    : )

  11. I am going to have to print the MS Smartypants.....the ones I could read where very funny Jess...

    YOU are such a NUT!



  12. harumph!!!

    i get on here and check Ms. Smartypants answers to everyone's questions but MINE!!!

    but, i will forgive thee, ms S...

    i think the twister twisted your twisted twist... and that's all the twisting the twist could twist...

    good night!!!

    ps missed you all tonight...:-)

  13. prophecies have been awesome at ctk! exciting words!

    smartypants is important too


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