Anonymous said...

Sp,

Who is the sappiest Christian Fiction writer?-G

It’s a tricky question, dear reader. By “sappy” do you mean gushy, romantic and emotional, or do you mean corny and stretched plotlines? Either way, the answer is the same author, but I dare not offend my readers that might be fans of rhymes-with-Cori-Pick. Therefore, this author will remain cloaked in mystery.

Anonymous said...

How does one convince one's husband that piles of dirty laundry do not belong all over the house, in bedroom, bathroom, living room, and kitchen!?!

The infamous Hildegard Bumenkrantz was known

to grab her husband, the more diminutive Gunther Bumenkrantz by the back of the neck and force his face repeatedly into such infractions, while repeating mild threats and explaining the best location for such items as ones coffee-stained pajama pants. While unconvential, this is a wildly successful method for the husband of smaller stature. For larger spouses, I recommend a taser gun.

misskerri said...

Dear Mrs. Intelligent Clothing - 

What is the best way to infect co-workers/family/friends w/ the Christmas Spirit so that holiday events and songs can be enjoyed without repercussions???

Again, a taser gun is a viable option. Ideally, it would be decorated in a cheery manner befitting the season. Then, for example, when you come in contact with a “Scrooge” lamenting the existence of the song “Christmas Shoes”, you could just lean in with a jolly expression and zap them heartily with your bedecked weapon. Over time, morale will improve dramatically.

Jennifer James said...

Dear Ms. Smartypants:

I am 21 weeks pregnant. Why do people talk to my belly before they talk to me? Why also do they touch it, like it's a good luck charm?

Is it possible that talking to your face is a little intimidating, with all that deep-seated hostility and rage emanating from your eyes? Contrast that to a helpless little alien-headed fetus, full of cheer and kindness. How likely are you to be tased by a fetus? Ask yourself that.

Elizabeth Kosorski said...

SP, At what age is it appropriate for children to begin playing with matches? Thanks for all your fantastic insight, I'm a huge fan!

My dear, dear snarky reader. I think that question really has to be decided by the toddlers themselves. Who am I to judge the fire-readiness of the average 2 or 3 year old? Let them explore their boundaries. What is the benefit of a standing house with repressed toddler souls inhabiting it?

Anonymous said...

What are your favorite fiction books? What do you recommend?

This is more of a question for your regular blogger, who, while being Ms. Smartypants in one regard, is entirely separate from Dame Smarty in others. Thus, we will leave this one for those don’t-have-anything-to-say days.

Anonymous said...

sp ~ 

why can't i sign into my old blog so i can switch it to the new set up?? am i just a techno geek or is blogger insane??? how can i do this?? I want to start posting blogs on my old blog because its SET UP and i like it alot but when i try to switch to the new google account it says it can't find my old blog!!!! ugh!!! please help me!!

mommymerepete

This sounds like an intensely personal issue. I recommend a pedicure and a massage, followed by electro-shock therapy.

Ms Smartypants

We all know that at least one baby we know of was breach and turned around by a certain substance burned between the mother's toes. This has worked I have heard at least 98 percent of the time. How does this work?-G

Well, my dear reader, it is a combination of things. Imagine if you will, that you are an enormous fetus, sleeping comfortably at some crazy diagonal angle, using ribs for a pillow and such. (are you imagining it? I am not) and suddenly you realize that your mother is SO serious about you changing positions that she is willing to put FIRE, and maybe even federally controlled substances, in between her toes. Upon realization of the true instability of your carrier, wouldn't you concede to whatever demands requests she might make? (this is an actual procedure, called moxibustion)

Could you elaborate on the future of such children...

Is it possible, dear reader, that as a payback of sorts, said child would decide to rule over all mankind and cats? I say, it is possible.

Smartypants,
What is the correct body form one should have when running?

To begin with, one must be upright, balancing on at least two legs. I dare not be a species-ist and leave out our multi-legged friends... Once upright and balanced, one must bend at the knee, or at the joint between the tibia and femur, if you are a cricket, and then move forward, one leg after the other in a rapid pattern. I have to warn you, however, I have attempted this clear and accurate plan at the YMCA and it did not lead me to a successful run. 

Dear Ms. SmartyPants,
When one does not know how to run in good form, does one a) keep running, no matter what she looks like?, b)go back to jog-walking? or c) slip off the tredmill and go hide in the locker room in embarrassment?

What one must do is, to speak in the vernacular, rock it like you own it. This involves the purchase of athletic looking athlete-wear from your department store of choice, in a coordinating shirt, exercise pants, and jacket- followed by tiny socks (real athletes show some ankle) and some workout-y looking shoes, with oxygen pumps in the heels and such. One must then have appropriately tousled athlete hair with matching headband, and iPod sleeve. No makeup, as you just get out of bed and hit the gym. Then, regardless of your insane flailing arms and slapping feet, keep a serious athlete face faced sternly forward. If you are propelled by force off the back of the treadmill, hold your calf, like you have a serious athlete cramp, and hobble off to the locker room, where the Naked Senior Citizens don't care. 

birch williams said...
Mrs. Smartypants, Given the tough economic condition, what is the quickest way for me to become a millionaire?
The absolute quickest way is to already be one. Then, don't pay your taxes. One of three things will happen. 1) You will be added to Obama's Cabinet, as the Secretary of Such-and-Such 2) the IRS will find you and you will have to disappear. If this happens, get a John Grisham novel and find tips on disappearing well. or 3) You will go to jail. On second thought, that's not a terrific plan.
Another way is by selling Mary Kay, with me as your upline. Everyone who has ever sold Mary Kay is a millionaire now.

“This isn’t just another one of those get rich quick schemes. This scheme is guaranteed to get us rich… and quick!!”
Homer Simpson

Mama PC said...
If the diaperer was diapering the diapered? Would the diaperer diaper the diapered the way the diapered WANTED to be diapered, or would the diaperer diaper the diapered the way the diaperer USUALLY diapered diapereds?

Dear reader. I know you have access to a great deal of pharmaceuticals. Perhaps a few less would be in order.


CrystalD said...
Dear Mrs. Smartypants

*how old do you have to be for it to be said that you died of old age?Pretty old. I'd say at least 40.


*If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?If a tree falls on a mime in the forest, does anyone care?

*If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?

Yes. Now you just go ahead and dig as big of a hole in your front yard as you want. 

*Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Thermodynamic centrifusion. I would explain, but what's the point?

*Do penguins have knees?

Is it really anybody's business? We know just about everything there is to know about penguins. Can they have this one small privacy?

*Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really its coming on?

It's predestination.

*In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?

Non-fiction, and I bet somewhere some atheist is having a fit about it. Give me a fur-covered meat Bible and I will know what to do with it. Well, maybe not.

*Why do you put two cents in when its only a penny for your thoughts?

We're in a recession. Those were the old days. Under Reagan, we could have a two-penny thought.

*You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? what if someone goes in with No Pants? Would the restaurant still have to serve them?

If by serve them you mean call the police, then absolutely. Let's put this one to the test. Can I have a volunteer?

Happy weekend, everybody! I'll be back in person on Monday!

Shannon2-24 said...
ms. smartypants,
is it better to buy a house with a yard that will fill with falling pine needles or leaves?

or perhaps a combination?

please note: pine needles in WA may be larger and heavier than TX ones

Ms Smartypants seriously doubts that anything in Washington, or any other "state", is bigger and or heavier than anything in Texas, unless you are referring to your fruits and nut crowd. It is better to buy a house in Texas.


Anonymous said...
Ms. Smartypants,

Can sleep talking be controlled? Maybe brought down to a minimum? Or is that what duct tape is for?

This is one of those rare cases where the Bible allows for immediate divorce. Sleep talking, or Neil Diamond collections.

Anonymous said...
Who is that Phillip guy?

The scope of this question, to quote our President, is “beyond my pay grade.” The sheer number of Phillips is too vast to comprehend, although most noteworthy may be Phillip Head, of screwdriver fame.

Josh said...
What is really inside of a black hole?

Let’s hope cream filling.

Viking Granny!!!! said...
How long before architects begin planning for double the amount of women bathrooms in all public facilities?

This is very, very unlikely to ever happen. That would be customer service. More customers means less time to converse with your coworkers and text your friends and family.

Viking Granny!!!! said...
When will we get tired of standing around and start speaking up and taking over the empty bathroom down the hall.....?

I have seen that breaking point in many a woman, over time. It all comes down to which is worse, your bladder exploding or having to walk the sticky and suspicious grounds of the men’s room.

Anonymous said...
Smartypants,
How do you handle a whiny baby who won't even let you go to the restroom at church? He screams when I give him to Beth so that she puts his face over the stall to look at me while I am in there? He just keeps screaming at me.

Signed 
Frustrated in Cut n Shoot
Give him to Georgia. Even if he is 2 hours old, she will feed him some cake. (If you are Georgia, then give him some cake)

Anonymous said...
Dear MSP - 
will you actually post replies to these questions or are you just teasing us?
You tell me, dear reader. You tell me.

Due to an unprecedented number of inquiries, (about 35) Ms. Smartypants will be choosing a few of the tip-top to answer.

Anonymous said...
Ms. Smartypants.
This theoretical of course, Say I had a sister and every time I saw her she had different kinds of hair, she never had a wig, just her hair changed colors and sometimes she had multicolors in her hair, Sometimes I would see her twice in one week and again there would be purple, pink, white streaks, each time she would look different and whatever color it is it sticks up and sideways somewhere. She doesn't have much hair, but it is in this constant state of evolution. Not only is this happening, but her husband sometimes matches her, like right now, they both have stick up purple and white hair, not very long but consistently in a state of change. Could you tell me what this means on three levels.

Spiritually
physically
emotionally
financially

Oh well that is actually four ways. So let me know what I should say to her.
Anonymous ( At least I am trying to be)

My dear reader... this kind of question is best answered by prayer and fasting. I will answer it anyway. You have to approach it from two angles. First, does anyone else seem to notice the change of hair? Or are you perhaps, a lunatic? That is the first. If, in fact, you are not out of your mind, then I would just nod and say how much you like it, since you know good and well those two could kill you by flexing their muscular pinkie fingers. 


Anonymous said...
dear ms smarty pants... 
why did i go bald?
when will my daughter be born?

You went bald because of your father’s secret sin. Ask him about it.
As to when your daughter will be born, this varies. Some people’s children have to be secured in the womb with duct tape or they will start trying to escape as soon as they, in their professional opinion, have had enough. (see:R2) Others set up permanent shop and refuse to move out even upon repeated eviction notices and castor oil. (See:Kai) Your best bet is to be all passive and plan on being awakened to great alarm and then narrowly avoid delivering Annabelle in your car. Or truck, rather.

 Mommy Mere Pete said...
How does Santa not fall asleep on his ride all night????

I have watched many males accomplish feats of this kind. They begin with an afternoon nap. Then, coffee. Then, RockStars or their energy beverage of choice. Let the wife (or alternate driver) take the wheel for an hour or two, another quick nap. Coffee. Jonny Lang. Switchfoot. Drunk bumps. Coffee. Open the window and turn on the AC, even if it’s snowing. Talk, a lot, to people who are trying to sleep and/or read and/or play word games on the iPhone. Surf Facebook whiledriving. And then coffee. 6 naps the day after. 


Anonymous said...
dear ms sp.

what does it take to become a certified sp?

If you have to ask, you don’t have it.

 mama pc said...
Dear Smarty- Pants

What does a mother do when one of her daughters does the chicken dance on I10 in front of her adoring fans?
November 8, 2008 1:04 AM

This, my dear reader, depends on the daughter and the mother in question. If, for example, one’s daughter is less than 2 years old, your response would probably be something along the lines of gasping and clutching and sprinting and such. For mothers of an older daughter, like perhaps, 23 or so, Ms Smartypants would recommend grabbing hold of the ol’ trousers and joining in!


 josharoo said...
Deat Ms. Smartypants,

How can I become famous and get my own advice column like you?

Thanks,
Jealous Joshua

One of my most faithful questioners, Joshua. Once again, before stepping into the literary world, let me recommend a good spell-checker.

 lisbeth said...
o.k smarty

how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?

A lady would certainly not know, as a lady would never engage in such vulgar acts as consuming lollipops or chewing gum in public.
For those ones of you vulgar enough to still want the answer, according to Wikipedia :According to the official Tootsie Roll website, over 50,000 children have written in since the launching of the commercial in 1970, claiming they know how many licks it takes. Their responses have ranged from 100 to 5,800.
Three independent research studies have been carried out to determine the answer. Engineering students at Purdue University devised a "licking machine" that showed an average of 364 licks are needed to get to the center. Using 20 human volunteers, the figure was 252. A doctoral student at the University of Michigan created another licking machine and came up with an average of 411 licks.

Good to know our universities are engaged in meaningful activity.




and

how can you be so sure your advice is good advice? would you feel bad if someone took your advice and then it led to bad places? maybe jealous josh isn't equipped with your level of wisdom. what if he gets in the business and something horrible happens?
November 8, 2008 7:55 PM
This is a multi-part question, which I will now dissect.

how can you be so sure your advice is good advice?

There are some absolutes, dear reader.

would you feel bad if someone took your advice and then it led to bad places?

I am having difficulty envisioning this scenario. My advice, administered correctly, would preclude a utopian existence.

maybe jealous josh isn't equipped with your level of wisdom. what if he gets in the business and something horrible happens?

I hesitate to consider what could occur under said circumstance. Jealous Josh has shown great skill in offering Human Resources to airplanes. My strong suggestion would be that he, and others like him, stay a healthy distance from journalism, and/or advice columns in general.

 anonymous said...
Smartypants,

Why did I just squah a bug on my monitor when I knew it would nasty bug guts get all over the monitor?
November 8, 2008 11:58 PM

A predisposition towards violence, perhaps? How was your relationship with your father?

 mommy mere pete said...
Hey Ms Smarty-Pants,

I have new mommy questions for you!! I'm sure you will be able to help me!!

How does a nursing mother NOT get covered with milk in the middle of the night when the baby is sleeping for hours on end??? Why does a baby fight going to sleep?? How does a baby make the butt-sneeze noise??

HELP ME!!
Soaked and sleepless

Ms Smartypants can feel men wincing all across the country as they consider this possibilty. These same men would have no trouble discussing the “time I cut my hand wide open on one ‘them buzz saws. ”I have potential real answers for you, but I will avoid all talk of milk for the sake of the selectively squeamish. Not to mention, I have never had a child that slept more than two hours at a time until they were 12 years old or so.

A baby fights sleep on the great hope that something exciting will happen when they are not sleeping. Is Mommy lying on floor in fetal position cursing the day she was born exciting? Indeed it is!

Ahem. Ms. Smartypants will not comment on this “butt-sneeze.” Ahem.

 anonymous said...
YES! Smartypants is back!

OK, what do you do if you secretly think your husband loves the nfl more than you?-G


Once one has been married for 20+ years, is it really a secret anymore? There are some absolutes.


2. What makes car mechanics so much different than the rest of society?

They are an elite class. The fact that such a small percentage of society, through great knowledge, controls the transportation of society as a whole is frightening. Will mechanics someday control the world’s food supply? Only Dr. Ron Paul knows.

misskerri said...
Dear Ms. Smartypants: Why do people always say "I want to help... let me do something" when you don't really need them, and then disappear when you're overwhelmed?

Oh dear reader, they were probably just having a little joke on you. Silly rabbit.

Oh, where do dustbunnies come from?

Being that this is a family blog, I will keep it simple. When two dustbunnies love each other very much....

Ms Smartypants:
Does Bedste have a boyfriend? -G
Precious reader: Bedste is keeping her options open. She may have been attracted to "Dozer Guy", and maybe even "Larry" the lawnmower thief. She is currently holding out for a more spiritual option, who is also flush with cash.

Is Mama Lord?
No, no. Mama is a Caucasian female. Lord is very likely a homeless black man, per Rev. Jeremiah Wright.

Will Shannon and Mere ever see their feet this decade?
Ahem. Seeing that "Mere" gave birth a few weeks ago, maybe this is a bit of a touchy subject. What real merit is clear visibilty, anyway?


anonymous said...
why does Tobias have a green ribbon in his hair?

Why does Tobias sample French Toast sticks from under the shelf at the thrift store? Why does Tobias proudly inform when he has peed on the floor? Why does Tobias remove the ancient a/c vent covers and throw toys down the hole? This is a mystery, but I am speaking of Tobias and his weirdness.

I was going to write a very angsty post this morning, about loneliness, and friendship and the human condition. I thought of it last night around 3 am, when Toby had a dirty diaper and woke up screaming and then came and slept in my bed. Lucky for you, since then I've had two meals and been to Walmart. I am now feeling much more positive about life in general, and the possiblity of a nap for yours truly. 6 days till the MOG comes home!

uncle josharoo said...
Ms. Smartypants,

Since we just purchased a home and are expecting our 2nd child in November, should I increase my life insurance amount?
It is recommended, dear reader. Especially if your spouse is likely to knock you off. Not that this reporter has inside information.

 happy clam said...
Dear Ms. Smartypants,

Since i'm leaving my current career path for something more eternally beneficial, do you have any suggestions?

I already know i want to have a garden, but i don't know how eternal that is.

Your thoughts?

An eternally minded career is essential. May I suggest professional badminton? Some other options are finch cleaner, or troll. All of these are careers that have higher things in mind.

 anonymous said...
dear ms smartyPants 

Should I soak my beans over night or just cook them?
I hesitate to speak, but perhaps beans should be foregone for you, entirely. Eradicated from your diet universe entirely, permanently, and with haste. 


anonymous said...
Smartypants,

If you feel like you are going to throw up, is it better to go for a run and try to rid yourself of toxins? Or is there a better method?-G
If you swivel your palm towards the earth, you might find throwing down or across more feasible. 
 

anonymous said...
MSP

IF someone were to want a haircut and basically... well... have not much hair, what would you recommend?-G

Sort of like the cucumber in the hairbrush song by veggie tales.
There are multiple options. Sinead O'Connor comes to mind. There is also the Bruce Willis, or Kojak. All excellent role models of haircare.


 jennifer james said...
Ms Smartypants- In the prayer room, whenever people sit down next to me, they always have really atrocious breath and sit way too close. What is the proper etiquette for dealing with these issues?
Perhaps one could suggest less garlic to one's husband, before leaving together for the prayer room. Less Garlic makes more room for holy things.

lonley louis said...
Why can't I get a girl friend?
I would rule out excellent spelling as a cause.

And with that, I'm out. See you next Friday! PS, Sorry if I just sent you a zillion emails. I set up an away message for my email account and it went a little nuts at first.

My support group was cancelled last night. It was okay, though, because I already had to cancel. The MOG had the plague. For about 2 hours, he was deathly ill. He made a miraculous recovery during his prayer set at the JHOP. Ah, the JHOP, is the backup house of prayer. Justice, that's the J. Anyways, himself is playing backup guitar for a new worship team. He's doing a good job not being the boss... pretty much.
So that means I did not get away last night. Well, I did go to Price Chopper. But that doesn't really count. And then I stayed up too late and woke up too early. Grumpy, thy name is woman.

Now this snarky Slim character has been asking this question...

I petition the great Smartypants for an answer to my question last week. This is a question that deserves an answer from a great thinker such as you:

Should a law be passed that bans women from being president, or at least a law that states that a male must take over for the week that the woman president is having her monthly?

My Dear Mr. Slim. How closely you walk on this precipice... unaware. Never mind. All my answers are too harsh. I need a nap.

In a renewed effort to post a blog daily before 11 am, I have forsaken the breakfast dishes (who am I kidding... dinner dishes), and I sit here, for you, the people. The esteemed bloggerati. It doesn't hurt that my hatred for dishwashing burns with the fire of a thousand suns.

Grammar question;
If ye already did et yur dinner. Then whut do yu do affer that? I mean before go a pig-milkin' an a cow-sloppin.-G

Betwixt dinner and pig-milkin, you should let grammar take a nap. She's old, for pete's sake!

We hosted the group last night... it was great to have people in our house again. I made slice and bake cookies and got a lot of compliments on them... ethical question: is it unethical to not correct the compliment-er on their mistaken assumption that I cooked these from scratch? If so, mea culpa.
I also made salsa which hardly anyone ate. Cowards.

Another dilemma is, how much do I talk about our new friends and acquaintances? I imagine at some point we will share this blog link, and then what if they go surfing about and find references to our new friend with the weird teeth? See? Dilemma.
We don't really have any friends with weird teeth. I mean, at least here in KC.

Also, for those of you not too holy to join me, American Idol is excellent this season. Beatles songs last week and next week... I LURVE IT. And I have no hesitation whatsoever in saying my spiritual growth is unimpeded by my enjoyment of this show. Spiritual growth is happening! Wahoo! And American Idol is great this year! Try not to choke on your communion wafer!

mama has landed safely and boy are her arms tired...

Today the MOG had to be a parking attendant for the Passion for Jesus conference. In a blizzard. Well, it was snowing, anyway. He is part of the IHOP slave labor force that are interns, and he does what he is told. :) I'm not too disappointed I did not make the cut. Well, the pintos are a'simmerin and in one hour or so, we feast. I know you're jealous.

And back by lack of popular demand : Ms. Smartypants!!

Submit your lonely heart or non-confrontational political or social etiquette question! I might answer it on Monday! Or not! Also, ask grammar questions! Because I'm obviously an expert!!

I am tired. I stay up too late, sleep too little and wake up too early. If you have a direct line to Toby, I would warn him not to mess with me today.

Stuff I want to do before leaving Conroe for a year
• Have a couple of kidless dates before going to the faraway land of Nobabysitter
• Eat at Rancho Grande. Maybe multiple times.
• See famblies and friends. This would be easier if I was less tired.
• Pack, find a house, cancel services, switch services, change address (boring, not what I'm really talking about)
• OH MY GOSH do they have Blue Bell? Research time.

• What else?

Smartypants is in business! Entertain me with your queries on the holidays, entertaining, etiquette, and whatever strange neurotic questions float amidst the gray matter!

miss sp:
how should one go about impressing children (and adults) that it is more blessed to give than to recieve?
The rod, dear reader. The rod.

anonymous said...
Mrs SP,
In your humble opinion, is it true that the tradition of Christmas trees has roots in paganism?

The amazing thing about Christmas trees is, they have no roots. If, at one point, they were rooted in paganism, they were then heartlessly chopped down and shipped to Walmart, where they are from then on unrooted. And eventually, they are potted, and then, in due time, return to the earth. Although, some might argue that Walmart itself is rooted in paganism. Party poopers.

anonymous said...
How is Christmas celebrated in Australia?
Australians do not celebrate Christmas.

anonymous said...
Mrs Smarty P.,
Is it proper etiquette to eat cranberry sauce with your hands?
Charlie
It is not proper. Please remove your hands from the keyboard immediately.

Now, some of you are asking... "Did she really DEFY the MOG and purchase a potentially pagan tree? What hath God wrought?" If so, you talk funny. But I will tell you. The Scrooge MOG did not want a tree. He vaguely alluded to forbidding me to buy one. Not concretely. (he knows better). It's a long story, but someone in our marriage went to a great deal of work and got a $100 gift card online for her their efforts. Which, after 6 weeks, arrived in the mail. Then, someone other than the party of the first part threw away said gift card because it was, and I quote, "trash in the van".

I climbed into the dumpster to retrieve it. I called to activate it, and there was no activation code. So, I climbed back into the dumpster and retrieved the letter with the code. I then spent $40 of that hard earned card on a tree, which I brought home by myself. It is over 8 feet tall. I am just over 5 feet tall. I then wrestled it in my house, and set it up and decorated it. By myself. Which makes me hardcore. When the Man of God got home and saw the tree, he was highly amused. He is quite happy to not have to have done anything. Next year, I am hoping he will have developed Merry Christmas genes and be jolly and bright.

I'll update on the fast and the potty training and such tomorrow, too much good stuff for Smartypants today.

Anonymous said...
Mrs Smartypants,
How old must you be before it can be said you died of old age?
Strangely, this question has changed over time. In 1996, I would have considered 30 a ripe old age... worthy of surrendering your life, because you've lived it... and so on. Now, I'm thinking post-80.

Anonymous said...
Mrs SP,
Since we have angel food cake on earth, do they have people food cake in heaven?
Excellent question. I am told heaven boasts chocolate mansions. Edible chocolate mansions. I can't make it past that.

BethC said...
mrs. sp,
please explain why music soothes the savage beast
The question here, is what manner of person does savage beastly music sooth? For your consideration.

Anonymous said...
Ms SP,
Can music save my mortal soul as quoted from the song "Bye, Bye Miss American Pie"?
Just Wondering
Mmm.... pie.

Anonymous said...
hey smarty girl - when sour cream goes bad does it become sweet
When sour cream falls from grace, it becomes discolored. If your husband then eats it, is it your fault? The answer is emphatically NO.

Anonymous said...
Mrs SP,
Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?
I'm still laughing at this one. Beats me.

Anonymous said...
My Dear Ms Smartypants,
Which is best:
To put ones socks on both feet, then the shoes, OR sock on left foot, shoe on left foot, then sock on right foot, sock on right foot OR sock on right foot, shoe on right foot then sock on left foot, shoe on left foot?
Inquiring Mind
I asked an expert, Richard Lynn Clark the Second. He demonstrated the following technique. First, peruse your sock drawer, removing all unsuitable socks and throwing them on the floor. Next, sit in the living room and leave one sock in an unusual location, i.e. on the table. Place the remaining sock with the gray heel portion facing up, on your left foot. Hold up your shoes, very close to your face, assuring that they are not, in fact, your brother's shoes. Put the right foot shoe on the left foot. Begin the process of dressing foot 2, then realize you are missing a sock. Take off shoe, and sock. These things can only stay on in pairs. Go in search of sock #2. Unable to locate it, go back to the sock drawer, removing the remainder of its contents. Place the new #2 sock on the right foot. Lose sock 1. Watch a little PBS. Begin again.

Carl said...
Oh Smartypants,
I've always wondered, can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car-pool lane?
Car-pool Carl
You are one sick puppy, Carl. However, I have for your perusal the following ACTUAL news story.

The blow-up passenger doll is returning to Seattle HOV lanes
Posted by The Oregonian August 02, 2007 06:58AM
Categories: Puget Sound
What chaps Seattle-area commuters the most, ranked by complaints calls to police? It's people who are cheating in the car pool lane with dummies (adult and baby). The cops have heard it all. My dog is my passenger. I'm pregnant, and that counts. No. It doesn't. Passengers have to be alive. Not if a coffin in a hearse. The Seattle Times takes a broad look.

In King County, the Patrol gets more complaints about car-pool-lane violations than about any other violation. The State Patrol averages about 2,200 complaints in the county each month, and it only gets worse in the summer, said Merrill -- in June there were 3,839 complaints.
The Patrol issued 1,252 tickets for HOV violators in June. At the start of July, the fine for being a solo driver in the diamond lane went up from $101 to $124 a pop.

A survey of local drivers conducted three years ago by the Washington State Transportation Center found the majority of both solo drivers and HOV users thought car-pool-lane cheaters were committing a serious traffic violation.

Mama PC said...
dear SP
what does home owner do to remedy problem of one certain mama cat that flails herself upon the window screen in demand of a breakfast platter???
Have a good chuckle. Stupid animals.

Anonymous said...
Dear Ms SP
If laying in bed wide awake for hours......2am......after prayer and talking to God an still being wide awake........should you.....jump up.....and clean the house or lay there for 3 more hours?
A little educational reading might be in order. Perhaps a Farm Journal or An Inconvenient Truth.

Anonymous said...
Dear Ms. SP -
why do most theological discussions with children happen at bedtime when all you want is for them to put their head down and sleep? Or at bathtime when they ask if Adam & Eve had bellybuttons?
~ mystified missionary
Kids. No accounting for em.

from yer mama (VKG): My dear sweet babies............

Where has the time gone? Just yesterday we were wall to wall cribs stumbling over each other. 9:50 my little "Indian" arrived followed 40 minutes later by my "pale face".......Your father gave you these little nicknames. Richy.....you were so red.....and loud ...and you had a black eye. Joke was you and your brother were fighting over who would get out first.....My little Bobby was pale and white and so quiet....and peaceful.........We were all so young........I am so very proud of the wonderful men you have become. I see you playing with your children now, and I gaze with awe..
God has done a mighty work in each of you.........and HE raised you up.....in spite of all the obstacles and struggles and hugs and kisses and tumbles and disappointments...................God kept His hand on you both...He never left your side.........He had His eye on you two every second.... .........you both have grown up to be fine young men and I am proud and honored to be your mother.....You turned out exactly how God intended.......My dear sweet babies who loved it when Mommy sang to them..and thought it sounded so beautiful.......are now wonderful husbands and fathers .....who now know the truth........and love me anyway.

Anonymous said...
Mrs. SP,
Is it really possible to love someone, but not like them?
No Love Louie
Of course this is possible. In the words of that immortal bard, William Shakespeare, " What wretched passion is this, this vile love of one I despise?" Or something along those lines.

Anonymous said...
Dear Mrs. SP,
When will I find my soulmate?
Soulless in San Diego
Your soulmate? I would check the Star Trek convention circuit and area laundromats.

Anonymous said...
How do you know when you have found "the one?"
Look for one with a strong fruity fragrance, a tough rind and no discoloration. Don't squeeze it, just press gently to determine firmness.

Anonymous said...
At what age should bed wetting stop? I worried...
Pee Peeing in Pasadena
The fact that you are capable of navigating the internet and asking this question is of some concern to this reporter.

In other news, today is Richy's birthday. I bought him the only thing he wanted... an iPhone. This is birthday and Christmas... his geeky little heart is singing. It is a phone, a computer, an iPod, etc, etc. It's cool. But it makes my head hurt. Am I futuristic enough by just having a cell phone? I don't even want one of those Cyborg ear pod things... sorry Nate. But they're weird. Just a cool little cell phone that makes calls, texts, takes pictures. I'm good.

Richy is 30. And, you won't believe it, but so is Robert.
Happy Happy Birthday!

Newbie Materialistic Worrier said...
Hello Ms. Smarypants,
I'm not usually a worrier.
But i find myself worrying now...over the silliest thing. The office where i work is being carpeted this weekend, and i can't stop worrying about whether they'll break my desk when they move it.
I mean i've been thinking about this for DAYS!
I'm afraid i won't be able to sleep in in the morning; i may have to come and supervise them.
This is RIDICULOUS!
Ms. Smartypants, what's WRONG WITH ME?????

It sounds like you may have Incurable Neurotic Psychosis. You should invest in soft carpeting for your walls and plan for a lot of time indoors. Best of luck!

BethC said...
dear ms. sp
please use your superior verbage and insight to critique some/or one Christian movie(s) from recent year(s). I have heard of a new one, "Noelle".
My dear reader, I am not familiar with the film you speak of. However, it is produced by the same company that made "One Night with the King", which was, in this alter ego's mind, a real snoozer. This reporter does not have high hopes. I have heard great reviews of the movie, "Bella", which is also produced by a Christian company.
As to my typical response to "Christian" movies, not so much.

In other news, we went to see Switchfoot in concert Saturday (my birthday present from the Leah and Nates. Rock and roll.... it was awesome.
Pretty quiet around here, thank God. We are almost a week into the Daniel fast, and I am missing sugar FEROCIOUSLY. But it helps me remember to pray. Let's see complete healing! Wahoo!

OH- AND LOOK DOWN THERE

NEW CD SAMPLER!!

I'm not doing real sewing yet... just practicing on some fabric my mom gave me. I don't have any patterns or anything, just cutting out what kinda looks like half a shirt to me and sewing it all together. So there you go. Toby is very impressed by the monkey's shirt, but Richy keeps saying "Baby needs some pants!"

Today if I get the chance I might try something using real fabric... like, something to keep. Maybe.

Anonymous said...
Dear Mrs. Smartypans,
What priority class do you suggest for Jessica to enroll in so she can understand that friends come before family?
Thank you,
Trashed in Texas
My dear reader. I suggest Express Mail. Priority is overpriced and Express has nicer envelopes.

dear ms.sp, why is "hot" such a versitile word?
Hot, from the latin Hotus, is truly a word of many meanings. It can be used to refer to the attractiveness of another member of the species, although an outcry may occur. It can also be used to convey danger to a toddler. "Don't touch that! It's HOT." applying to any type of household hazard. There are other meanings, but you already know them and I am moving on.
As to WHY it is so versatile, only God and maybe Thor know.


-pants on fire! why did lithium batteries pass govt scrutiny?
The government is very busy testing things for millions of dollars. They don't have time to worry about the ocassional American's pants combusting. Unless those are the President's pants. That would be costly and embarassing.

and what about all those toys with lead paint recalls?
Is this a plot by the Chinese? You never can know. I would like to say, for the record, that pencils do not contain lead. They have a combination of Madagascar clay and graphite, and the random toddler chewing on a random unsharpened pencil is in no great danger of contracting lead poisoning. For the record.

josharoo said...
For Mrs. Smartypants:

-What is your suggestion of how we should spend our time when we visit Texas the week of Christmas?
Skiing, snowboarding, snow angels.... OR go to Splashtown. More amusing would be to ride every elevator in town. Just go on a whirlwind trip through Conroe, finding elevators. Fun AND exciting.

Anonymous said...
Dear Ms Smartypants,

What is the best way to rid oneself of toejam?

Stinky Feet

My Dear Stinky Feet... well, not my feet, mind you. I mean, my dear reader. You should collect the following ingredients: 1 pint of uranium, enriched. 1 smoking Ipod Nano, pocket edition, 1 small jar of mustard sauce from China delight, and a bag of paper clips. Take all of these ingredients into a Volkswagen bus and drive VERY fast down the freeway. Something will happen, I assure you. When it is over, you won't even remember toejam.

Mama PC said...

how long can an animal go without being fed by the owner?

Of course, this answer depends on the animal and the culture/climate in which it is raised. To use the vernacular of the locals, "It ain't gone starve, There's crickets and little critters for 'em."



josharoo said...

What animal is the most populous in the whole world?

That would be the famed "party animal". In all the world population and even amidst unreached people groups, the mammalis fiesta can be found. In some remote corners of the earth, you can locate one imbibing fermented coan'ituzi juice and dancing wildly with no pants. Here locally, the party animal subsists on fermented barley.



Viking Granny :0) said...

Dear Ms. Smarty Pants

What would a person do who really needs animal advice and the only one offering it has experteezze in the field of siameeze fighting fish?

My dear reader, one does not have to BE a woodchuck to know how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood. Google.



Viking Granny :0) said...

Dear Ms sp......

Knock Knock is lonely........

his little face is so sad each morning when he is being left alone..

I pet him everyday......walk with him occasionally and play ball every single dad gum day.....and offer him grandkids at least once a week.......

What can I do to make a happier Knock Knock?

Considering that Knock Knock has already been emasculated, there is probably little in the world that could cheer him up. Perhaps you should get him a cat.

In other news, Toby is working for the man now...











In other, other news, I am moving on Sunday. Which will make THREE Sundays in a row we have not been at church. Frist, for the momentous birth of Ruby. Second, because the MOG had to finish mixing the new CD before his studio is packed away for 3 months and I am too lazy unmotivated to go to church alone, and now for the move.

dear ms sp
how many boxes can/will/should you/others pack in a day?

Excellent question, "Beth". One should be packing 100-150 boxes a day currently. But if one is engaged continually in the act of pulling out one's hair and saying OH FOR HEAVENS SAKE PUT THAT DOWN BEFORE DON'T YOU KNOW CARS ARE DANGEROUS I SAID STOP and so forth, the likelihood of packing any boxes is, well. Unlikely.

Toby has decide to become 2 a couple of months early. I am against the term "terrible twos". Let me say, for the record, Toby is high-spirited and adventurous. May God have mercy on my soul.

No nap today. Thus the bitterness.

In other news, we're moving to Missouri.
But first, we're moving to a little apartment. Near Simplify. Our plan is to go to Missouri in January and rent a house.

Basketball started Saturday. Yeah, it was cute. It's more like individual basketball practices than a game, per se. Or persay, if you prefer. But R2 was awake at 7:30 a.m. holding his jersey. Got game?

Horseriding starts tomorrow.