Tuesday, April 19, 2011

dating, the "one", and what I'm not saying.

My dating post has gotten lots of feedback, which is funny, because it's such a departure from what I normally write about here. I wanted to write a little more, since pretty much any time I click Publish I think of 10 other things I should have said.

So, what I said was, I don't believe in there only being one person that God made that could "complete" you. That puts singles in this magic/fate land wrought with anxiety, because every romantic comedy out there says you should have love at first sight and not be able to breathe when you catch eyes across the coffee shop. So you have to wait for the magic moment you "fall" spontaneously, deeply in love. Oh, and you need to be in the right place at the right time. And holy smokes! What if you accidentally marry NOT the "one"? That's a lot of pressure.

I'm just saying maybe it doesn't really, usually, begin that way. Maybe it begins by being a friend, and having an open heart. Maybe it means laying down some childish expectations and learning that people are deeper than how they look. I'm not saying give up on love and romance. I'm saying that love doesn't always HIT, sometimes it GROWS. I'm saying sometimes it's work to get to know someone, and they're worth it.

I don't know anything. I just live in a community full of godly, attractive single people that can't seem to find each other and it seems like hooey to me. Maybe I'm talking as a mama.

By the way. If you're under 20, I'm not talking to you. Read your Bible and help your mom with the dishes. Come back when you're 20. 

Here's a few things I'm NOT saying.
I'm not saying be emotionally promiscuous. I'm not saying date casually. I'm not saying marry a stranger because, heck, it could work out.
I am not saying, for the love of God, to kiss people. Don't kiss people. That is a whole other topic and man! can you muddy the waters by kissing people prematurely. Use your mouth for talking.

I AM saying.
• Disney has screwed us up. Love is deeper than we know, deeper than the initial feelings. If you're gonna make it 50+ years, you need to marry a friend.  (tangent: is it possible the divorce epidemic in our recent generations has something to do with "losing that loving feeling" ? AKA infatuation?)
• You should think about the way you're approaching relationships, just think about it. Is it possible that your value system for "looking" is upside down?
• It might be worth asking someone to coffee to talk, and get to know each other, without stirring up inauthentic romantic "feelings" by experimenting physically. You'll have plenty of time for the physical stuff later, if you build a solid foundation of trust and knowing each other's hearts.
• You should, absolutely, seek God about your mate. But if he doesn't send a lightning bolt shaped like a cross down on somebody, maybe He's letting you pick.

Sheesh. Even as I write this, I agree and disagree with myself. I'm developing all this thought process right in front of you. Maybe I'll come back and say I had it all wrong. I just think maybe it's easier than we make it. Maybe.


  1. I loved your first blog on this subject and reposted the link on FB. It pretty much went "viral" (at least by my FB wall's standards). Lots of debate and joy and disgust and assumption.

    Even though it's controversial to say some of this stuff, I love it that it's being said. Because I'm seeing the trend of Christian people that want God to drop their destiny in their lap, and in the mean time they're 30 and still playing video games like it's a career. People have lost the art of taking responsibility for their lives.

  2. I can't read the Bible and think God does not have "one" for me but rather any saved one will do.

    This is not to say it will be some sort of dream or I can predict how it will go.

    It just gives me joy and hope to understand He knows what He is doing and He is as detailed and precise as ever.

    I woke up thinking about this today. There are things about me God has crafted into me that make sense to no one else but my future will love.

    Knowing God has and is crafting something amazing does not relieve me of personal involvement and responsibility it drives it.

    It makes me excited to get out and meet people. It also makes me extremely aware of where my standards need to be.

  3. SM4G, thanks for your comment. I'm def not saying ANY saved one will do :) I'm just saying I think there's more than one potential out there.

  4. Hannah- friend me! I can't find you

  5. if I have to have an opinion. I'll side with Paul
    But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I.

    But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

    and so on in Corinthians 7.

    however, there is absolute beauty in marriage, but, I consider that truth self evident. It is easily the most understandably deep expression of love, and putting such love to practice.
    Now if the Lord returns tomorrow, or if I die tomorrow, doesn't matter, still the time is short.. I find in the right body of people, and the right perspective, deep sincere love is easily exercised, as I think Paul did with Timothy and the churches. All his passion had an out. Now obviously not physically. but yeah. then you get to chapter 9. anyhow.
    marriage is my best imitation of the triune, and it's beautiful, two broken people in a broken world being constantly made whole through Christ and sharpening each other as iron sharpens iron in all things. But, I think we Americanize Christianity into this family foundation for you and your house, while Paul seems to have this huge grander scale in his head, pouring into so many people, struggling and experiencing passionate pursuit.. ok. I'm done ranting. I love your blog though

  6. Ok , I think too often in the christian world, we make things out to be too dang spiritual. I for one think the one is a myth made up by married people who are completely satisfied in there spouse, who think "There would be no one better for me than my spouse, therefore they were the one" poppycock!
    All thru out history in various nations we see arranged marriages, and they end up completely happy, most of the time. Also i hate it when people throw around the better to be single than married scripture. The very first instution that god the father put into play was what, marriage!!! And why did he do that, because of what he had said just before that, "it is not good to be alone". I am not trying to ruffel some feathers but the whole picture of christ coming back for a bride is but the source of light from which the shadow of marriage blooms!

  7. Jess, you sure can stir something up when you take a mind to! =) (i know you weren't trying to stir anything up).

    I love this post and agree very much. But i'm not sure about the part about letting us pick. He might let us think He lets us pick sometimes, but... i don't know.

  8. I agree with you! I think a lot of ppl in the charismatic circles are waiting for God to prophetically tell them that someone is "the one" and it messes ppl up! Like 8 girls at the same church heard from God that the worship leader is going to be their husband...but he really can only marry one of them, so 7 of them must be hearing wrong...you know what i mean?!

  9. Good advice right there. Ah...what a breath of fresh air.

  10. I think a pre-requisite to commenting here would be a few years of successful marriage.

  11. Interesting post. I will say I agree with a lot of what you said, but I also think someone needs to speak up for the single people. I'm 29 and I have never been married. One point I would like to make is just because someone is not married doesn't mean that we are just "waiting". Life still happens. I still have dreams, God still speaks to me and uses me. Just because someone isn't married doesn't mean that something is WRONG with what they are doing. I am a responsible adult just like my other friends that are my age and have kids. Many of my friends have started companies, done mission work, and are very successful and fully LOVE JESUS. Marriage doesn't make you responsible, maturity does, God does. Also, getting married when you are 22 looks TOTALLY different than finding a spouse at 28+. Just think of all you learn about yourself during your early 20's. When you are older it is far more than --- does this person love Jesus and have a part time job. At this point in my life I know myself pretty well, I have passions that God has placed in my heart. I believe when you marry young you don't always know what those things are and you learn this with your spouse. I don't believe most mature singles have a Disney fantasy idea of how they will get married. I agree that it is messed up. Give your single friends a break, getting married isn't the point of life, serving Jesus is! We sometimes like to warp the American dream with Christianity and that is false. I think it is great that you know many Godly, attractive single people. But if you are constantly thinking something is wrong because they are not married maybe you are missing it. If they are truly seeking God and trust HIM with their lives and have surrendered to His plan don’t you believe God can direct them to a spouse? I think singles have areas God is working on us but I don't believe we are all playing video games at home hoping to bump into "the one" at a coffee shop.

    Here is a great link that was written by on singleness. http://fm.thevillagechurch.net/blog/theology/?p=874
    Thanks for sharing! I hope I didn't come across crass but just want to offer a honest and different perspective.

  12. Thanks, Sarah! I appreciate your perspective.

  13. I agree with you completely, the whole idea of "the one" has really screwed some people up. mad dap for the blog shawty

  14. Aw man I'm late but I wanted to comment on this forever ago, ha! So,anyways here is my belated two cents. I do not feel God needs to create several possible spouses depending on locations or changing plans. I think you meet someone, it works, you love them call them what you will, I call the one you marry the one. If someone is in a bad marriage, was there possibly someone better? Yes, but that is hypothetical. The one you exists the other possibles did not so it seems hard to prove there isn't " the one" that being said, I agree 100% that people often stress over the issue and go about finding the one all wrong and put all this uneccesary pressure on each other ( and God) to find " The One"
    Did that make sense? Hehehe it sounded better in my head...

  15. Natalie HernandezMay 2, 2011 at 8:10 PM

    "The one you exists the other possibles did not"
    I meant,
    " the one you are with exists, the other possibles do not"

  16. I'm not sure I completely agree with everything you just said in this post (but hey, you yourself said you're not sure if you agree with all of it!). I loved it nonetheless! I am 24 and single and have never dated. I don't have any regrets about the past, but sometimes (a lot of times) I worry about the future. I overthink this subject of finding a husband WAY too much. Or maybe not. I really don't know. But I love how you sound so chill about it all. That makes me feel better. And to know that you're married makes it better because if being chill about it can work for you, than maybe it can work for me too. I totally agree with what you said about Disney having it all wrong. And I like that you said sometimes it's worth it to just get coffee with someone and get to know them better. I've got myself wound up so tight I'm not sure I'd ever accept a simple offer like that. I'd overthink it and freak out. But that's silly. People are complicated and there's no way you can get to know someone without taking the time to do so. And it's probably a bad idea to write someone off before actually, truly knowing them. Sorry for the long ramble and thank you for this post. It made me smile and take a deep breath!

  17. Thanks, Christin! Yeah, I think we're on the same page, pretty much :)

  18. I'm not sure if this went through the first time but thats why i'm moving to IHOP, LOL. God is more than enough.


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