Monday, April 25, 2011


"Okay, whatever, fine, just get in the van. No, don't pick flowers. Yes I see the dog. Why did you take your shoes off? No, don't switch carseats, the buckles... never mind. WAIT! Stay in your seat while I buckle in your brother. It's too late, you already switched seats. Quit crying or I'm leaving you here. Quit crying, I'm not leaving you here."

"Wait by the van, this is a parking lot. Quit screaming, no cars will smash you while I'm unbuckling your brother. Hold your sister's hand. I see that puddle. I see, DON'T splas... aw, nuts. It's okay, it's just your shoe, it will dry. It's really okay. Quit screaming, you can go in the EXIT side sometimes, it doesn't matter. Stay with me! Stay with me! No, not that basket, no I don't have any quarters. Ride or walk? Not you, you don't have a choice. Quiet, please. Inside voice. (whispering) because he's very OLD, honey, and his legs need help (SHHHH)." 

"Yes, I have a list. No, you can't hold the list because you can't walk and read. No you can't. No, you can't. I really know that you can't... I'm not arguing with you. There's... there's a LOT on the list, I'm not reading it all to you. Anybody need to go to the bathroom? Are you sure? Okay."

"Okay, let's pick a cereal. Yes, yes, yes, yes, no. Just pick one. Yes, fine, okay, sure, whatever. No, not that one. Because it's not nutritious. No, Marshmallow Mateys are not nutritious, exactly, but they're better than that. Because... I don't know, just pick one that's not chocolate or rainbow colored. What's that smell? What is THAT smell? Oh. my. gosh. No. no no no no. Quit screaming. You. Quit screaming, we'll come back to the cereal. Why didn't I pack extra clothes? Why did you do this? You're WAY too old to do this. Quit screaming. I'm buying little panties and pants, that's what. Hush! We'll come back for the groceries. Why? Aw, nuts."

"Okay, let's finish shopping now. Next time, tell me first, okay? There's 2 bathrooms, just tell me. No, you are not getting candy. You might not ever have candy again, or anything good or fun, until you're potty trained. No, you aren't either because I'm not making her scream, and besides, you keep running off and crashing into people. Come back here! Don't put that in your mou... Okay, we're almost done. Let's get some fruit. Stop weighing stuff, honey, we aren't buying, um, 6 pounds of tomatoes. Wow. Let's put those back. Okay, that's it. Let's. HEY! Come back over here. See all these strangers? Stay where I can see you. Well, no, they aren't all bad strangers, but we just don't know which ones... anyway, just stay by me." 

"No, you can't have any candy. Because it's bedtime, and you haven't had dinner, and you didn't obey me. Stop screaming, that's not going to make me buy candy. Not you, no, you will never have candy ever again, maybe. Until you're potty-trained. Oh, you're trained now? Well, let's wait a few days and see. Yes, I see that man. Inside voice! SHHH. Okay,  I just have to pay. Sit down. Sit. I don't want you falling out and cracking your head. He has what? Hey! Put that down and come touch the basket. Okay, let's go. Let's go, come on. Time to go home." 


  1. Ah, Jess... this is brilliant!
    And sadly, very true.

  2. Priceless! I laughed so hard. (Good thing I am potty trained!) Mama

  3. I only have two so I only had to say half of that and it wore me out. God Bless You! I'm a friend of Allison and she is right...

  4. I resemble that post.

  5. This reminds me a lot of my job with young elementary-schoolers. Except being a mom would be like being at work 24/7. Wow.
    - Andrea A.

  6. Jess, this is the best laugh I've had in a long time! Great story and oh so very true.

    Kim C.

  7. jess. you forgot a few. there was NO reference to hitting, spitting, burping or farting. i'll trade ya!


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