Monday, July 16, 2007

Ms. Smartypants will be appearing during naptime. Until then, go about your day as usual.

anonymous said...
Why would a mother of three, be upstairs with 2 sleeping children and one "resting" 8 year old, suddenly jump up and run down the stairs with R2 and sit in the living room for 15 minutes, right in the middle of NAPTIME?

My dear anonymous… a variety of reasons are possible. If the MO3 is especially polite, she will entertain unsolicited visitors, even to her own hurt. Another possibility Is the presence of a wasp. This reporter would move to a different country rather than face a wasp in her home.

sonia and jong said...
Why would a 15 mo actual age/11 mo adjusted age baby boy start getting bad breath already?

A Mom in Tokyo who is concerned that her son is starting to smell like his dad too soon

Mom in Tokyo: it is my understanding, based on overhearing conversations at Wal-Mart, that babies in Japan are fed diets of exclusively sushi. May I suggest an after-dinner mint?

anonymous said...
Dear Ms Smartypants,
What is the most efficient way to prepare for hurricane season?

Anon #2

In my estimation, the best way to prepare for a hurricane is my oft-used “Put your head between your knees and kiss your “butt” goodbye.” But a more popular option is to stand in line for a few hours at the Dollar General, buying batteries and a King-Size Snickers bar, and then back to your house to watch the big one on TV.

anonymous said...
Why were A, E, I, O, and U picked for vowels?

It was a rigorous process, involving Latin and various saints in caves. In the end, those were consistently chosen as vowels. The wars rage on over the fate of Y.

Why isn’t the consumption of backed beans outlawed for men once they are married?

Baked beans, (or “backed”, if you prefer) although enjoyed by womankind, are one of the more male-exclusive food groups, along with the bacon food group and the steak food group. Men would be no use if they were tamed, ladies. Let the beans go.
What is the best instrument for picking ones nose?

This reporter certainly does not know.

What does the Bible code say about these three very important concerns?
The Bible code, in the Amplified Version, on pages 998-1001, held upside down and read squinting by candlelight, says that these questions are a little weak and God is busy cutting Johnny Cash down.

anonymous said...

This is another question MS will decline to answer.

anonymous said...
Dear Ms. Smartypants,
When is the best time of year for harvesting honey? I love to eat fresh honey, but I very much dislike the sensation of the honey bee's sting.
Longing for sweetness

The best time for harvesting honey is between 4 and 5 pm on Thursdays, at Walmart. There are few people or bees there, and if you happen to have a grocery-tosser in your cart, no one notices.

anonymous said...
Man, Ms Smartypants has some crude questions to deal with this time. I wonder how she will handle them?
Anon #2

Now you know.

viking granny!!! said...
Dear Ms SmartyPants.
What is the difference between "backed" beans 
and "front" beans?

Without a comprehensive understanding of physics, the differences are almost imperceptible.

bethc said...
why is it "smartypants" and not skirt?

In an effort to be more inclusive, and to not have to shave her legs as often, this reporter chooses the casual “pants”

anonymous said...
Dear Ms Smartypants,
What do you think about the Pope's position on the Catholic Church being the only one true church? I am very disturbed by this. I'm wondering if the Catholic Church is the one true 'false' church.
Anon #2

This question, along with the oft-asked suspender/Pope combination, is better left to the experts. It is my understanding that the one true church is in Willis, Texas (from a flyer left on a windshield at Kroger).

georgia said...
Describe the difference between how a Woodlands mother and a Cut n Shoot mother would handle the following circumstance
Amanda is at the mother's friend's house and she is eating sheetrock in front of all of the mother's friends. She is three and thinks it is pretty funny.

Assuming that this circumstance does actually occur,
“Amanda, dear. We don’t eat sheetrock, precious.”
“Amanda, Mommy doesn’t want to have to put you into the alternate behavior zone. Please choose a different activity.”
(chew, chuckle, spit)
“Amanda, dear, if you don’t OH FOR THE LOVE OF… give me that! I .SAID. STOP. EATING THAT.”
(wail, kick, sniffle)
“Good choice, Amanda. Now, step off the coffee table, dear.”

Cut-n-Shoot (for my far-off bloggerati, this is in fact, one of our local city names)
“Hey, Bev. Is that your kid eatin sheetrock?”
“Heh. Sure is. She means well, but that kid’s dumb as a stick.”
“So I went to Walmart, and I got these sandals for $6.50!”
“Man. I gotta go one of these days. Maybe I can go to town tomorrow.”
(crunch, gag, spit. Drop sheetrock, go swing)

viking granny :0) said...
Dear Ms Smartaskirt,

Why do children wake up as soon as you sneak out of bed, no matter how quiet you are and no matter how many pillows you put in your place?

This is God’s way of ensuring that mothers are humble, broken people. Also hungry people. Also, grungy people.

anonymous said...
When potty training BOYS....
is it better to..........
a) teach them to sit down and point it downward
b) teach them to stand up and aim
c) put a cheerio in the water for target practice
d) all of the above in stages
e) just forget it and buy stock in Luvs

I have long entertained the concept of “Granny Boot Camp”. In which the youngsters would be shipped off to Grandmas for a solid week for toilet training, and return in Superman underpants, victorious. Until this becomes a reality, I will not know the answers to the questions.


  1. Ms Smartypants, you are hilarious!

    May I answer the last question?? DEFINITELY train the boy sitting down at first. The reason? Well, sometimes, at first, they don't know if they have to do #1 or #2 or both. #2 standing is not nice - don't ask me how I know that.
    Yvonne (from Michigan)

  2. and they do not aim so well at first either.

  3. Do they aim well as adults?

    anon #2

  4. Grown men have NO excuse!

  5. Yes, there is no excuse for grown men.


    Anon #2

  6. yvonne, that's the best and most convincing reason i have ever heard for anything in my life.

    i'm fully convinced!

  7. cheerios in the bowl... sounds like a hoot!

    I'll hafta try that. Maybe frootloops would be more fun( fun colors and all..)

  8. Ive got it !! Fruit loops, rice crispies AND croutons. That way, you have pretty colors, loud exciting sounds and the smell of roasted garlic croutons to cover the smell.

    It could lead to confusion about breakfast foods though.

  9. fyi:
    jmerog was formerly known as the cookieman

  10. clammy,
    glad I could save you from my rather unfortunate fate!

  11. Pam, that is so not kewl.

    You can not announce

    Hey I GOT NEWS!

    and then tell ONE person to get on GMAIL.


    Whats the news...?

    If you do not want all the blogerinos to know......thats ok

    just tell me.....

    Just kidding......

  12. brilliant answers

    any news?

  13. apparently there is some wonderful NEWS that only Pam and Happy know

  14. Hey Jess........hurry and check your email......great news..o my wont believe it.....



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