the topic of the day: books

My dad used to go to the library and come home with stacks of
books.... a half dozen glossy ones with things like airplanes and
eagles and American flags... Tom Clancy-esque, and a couple comics...
maybe Calvin and Hobbes, Dilbert, Far Side, and then some
randomness... fascinating tomes like How to Build a Geodesic Dome and
Guns of World War II, or How to make toys out of Trash.... and he
would read them in his big chair while noisily crunching apples.
I get 15 or 20 novels, usually with pioneer looking women and various
scenes in the background... or neon chick-lit with cartoonish women
and cups of coffee and such.
Which I read curled up somewhere with various snacks....

Question- what do you guys read? Where? Do you like funny stuff or
blow-ups and gunfights?? Do you even READ love scenes? My MOG carries
around imposing books of sermons and tries to read little clips of
Finney and such to me, but I run away. And he reads magazines about
studios and musical equipment. I will be right at the part where she
is about to tell the Tory soldier that she is a patriot in disguise,
in a rainstorm after she was shot, and Richy will pipe up- "Hey, you
won't believe this. I have been compressing my mix with the Presonus
23468 and all this time I could have just modulated the equalizer!
Silly me!" or something....

This afternoon I will be going to beaumont with the fam as Richy is
preaching at a youth group there. So if I have an internet connection
in the morning, I will post a blog. Otherwise, it will be later
tomorrow.

You know, that Lazarus day was a turning point. I was telling Lindsey
last night... that day it was almost a mental decision- I will put
aside my grieving and move into the joy of the Lord. Yeah, okay, I
will do that. Not a hugely emotional striving thing.
But everything has changed.
This week, I remembered that I like candles. I just forgot for years.
I like to listen to music. I like to cook.
All things that have been dormant.
I like teaching.... especially when people are listening.

Oh yeah, me! Now I remember.

and Richy is back and very very skinny.... 6 days to go before he can
eat! And 7 DAYS TILL THE FIRST RADREV SERVICE! WOOOOHOOOO!

Been reading some not-terribly-good fiction set in the Revolutionary War years... the non-fiction parts about the war are so interesting. God definitely had his hand on George Washington.

Happy Memorial Day... and please, God, bless America with repentance.

this topic has been discussed, I am sure. Probably hashed over by
comedians and so forth. Still, it interests me and this is MY blog.
So there you go.

today, as I was driving home on 336, I saw a ladies high heel on the
side of the road. Why? Tell me this. Have you ever thrown a shoe out
the window? Because if this is some kind of rite of passage, nobody
told me. I have never done it...
Now, one time I came close. As we were hurtling down the freeway in
the radiantmobile, I was busy tormenting Hannah (which passes the
hours nicely). Han is tougher than me, but she is nice. Every now and
then she would start to hurt me and as soon as I started whimpering,
she'd let up. Ha. Anyhoo, one of the torments I considered was
throwing Han's flipflop out the window into the wild blue yonder. But
I decided that was across the line over into Meanland.

But here's the deal. There are always shoes on the shoulder. Usually
one male tennis shoe type shoe. On the feeder past 1960, there has
been a pair of boots hanging on the electric wires for years. Now
that is more deliberate. But most of the time it is just a solitary
zapato eating dirt.
I have this picture of people just merrily tossing shoes out the
window. Is that what happens? Or are they hanging their feet out the
window and the wind just sucks the shoe right off?
You have to admit, folks. It's a FASCINATING subject.

*my sole topic for the day

almost 2 weeks into a fast- Richy is the Smoothie King

*SPOILER*

Well, my guy won American Idol. I told y'all he was the best.
WHOOOOO! SOUL PATROL!!!!!

On other fronts, I need grace. Nuff said.

Marnin, bloggeratis.
No major revelations yet today... except that I HAVE to get up and go
give R2 some off brand Apple Jacks.. (Apple Zings, if you will)

So, what will the topic be today for guys day? I don't know....
somebody pick something. And while you're at it, take out the trash
and put down the toilet seat.

Yesterday we went around everywhere getting the van ready for Richy
to drive it to Tennessee. (what did Tenne see boys, what did Tenne see?)
We got a few miles into our journey when the ac quit cooling. BLEH.
So finally, me and Toby, or Toby and I if you prefer, got dropped off
at the library.
What is this instinctive thing in babies that says... "Quiet place...
needs some screaming." Toby screamed his head off all through the
library. I got dirty looks... and Toby hardly ever gets dissed like
that. Finally I got him in the bathroom where his screams echoed off
the walls like some kind of torture chamber. Sheesh. Finally he fell
asleep and I took him around in the Snugli. Obtained 2 or 3 new
books, a recycled Gilbert Morris series, and the works of Jane Austen
(to compare to the movies).... and a very obscure CS Lewis book
called Till We Have Faces. Very exciting.

When we finally got home and settled, R1 went out on the porch and
found a snake. ON THE PORCH. It appeared to be a copperhead, so we
called our resident snake authority (pablo) and he came and assessed
the situation. It was a chicken snake. In our defense, he showed us a
picture of a copperhead and it looked VERY similar.
Sometimes I am not lovin the country.

Today: no plan. Glorious.

Yesterday, church was awesome.... We were moving along in worship and I was trying hard to concentrate on worshipping... sometimes I just have to really focus my mind.
Then I see Kimberly walk over to Denise and the next thing I know, Kim is laying in Denise's lap and Denise is bent all the way over her.... I just figured it was some tremendous mother/daughter healing going on or something... but Denise was tipping over further and further and I thought they might fall off the chair. Then, after a while, Denise leaves Kim laying across the chairs and stands up.
Sometimes crazy things happen at our church. You just have to roll with it.
Then, somebody else walked up to D. She started praying for her and over they both went. So after a minute D had a line waiting.... I could feel the Holy Spirit really wanting to take over the place. So then D is standing there with slain women all around her on the chairs and the floor. It looked like the Civil War. Only they were women, and they weren't in uniform, and they weren't dead or bleeding. And we were indoors... Later there was a big altar time where everybody came and received.

Meanwhile, on the stage, the worship team had moved into a Trading my sorrows/Joy medley.

And here's what happened to me. As I was singing about trading my sorrows for the Joy of the Lord, I got it. It was like the Lord was saying, today, NOW, trade your grief for joy.
See, I have carried my suffering with me for years. Yeah, it's been rough and I have had a lot of tragedy. BUT I just felt clearly- let me say I KNEW clearly, that that was it. Lay it down. Lay down my rightful sorrow and move on. And taking the joy of the Lord as my strength.
Imagine Lazarus coming out of that tomb. And he is looking around in disbelief. "Am I through being dead?? What do I do now?"
And the first thing he has to do is get out of the graveclothes. (2nd thing, bathe)

So here I am. I am laying down my grief. I love my sons.... Evan and Rees. I will always miss them. But it's time to open the new chapter. Take off the graveclothes. Then what? I don't know. I've been promised joy for the trade.

Sounds like a good trade to me.

Today I will be going to the parenting class at Sanctuary. And then
to Nini's not-swimming party. So that should be a fun but long day.

Thanks everybody, for the encouragement. I am still fasting the
internet until June 5th. So, I'll post here and I am reading your
comments, which are sent automatically to my email. But I won't be
around much.

It's crazy, how chocolate and entertainment have numbed me for years.
And now the anesthetic is wearing off and I don't like it.
Peace.

What I need is a conversion experience.

See, I've done everything before. I have read the Bible, memorized the Bible. Set aside quiet times. Set aside intercession times. Worshipped in a closet. Led home groups. Prayed for the sick. Saw healings. Prophesied. Wept over sin.
Preached from the pulpit. Sang on a stage. Handed out tracts, gone door-to-door, servant evangelism, street evangelism, shoot... phone survey evangelism. Led people to the Lord. Cried and laughed and listened and ignored.

Check. Done that.

Now I just need Jesus. I don't know Him. And I need to know Him. I want Him to come in and rearrange me, change me.
I don't want any of the other stuff... I'm sure it will all work out.

But I need Jesus.

I don't want to jinx myself.... but Toby has slept from 10-6 for like
3 days now.... crazy. I have to adjust to sleeping through the night.
What a good problem.

ugh.

Pray for me. I need to want God. I need to love His word.
I don't.
It's just not alive to me. I read it and it all feels monotone...
like a chore. I don't want that...

what if
I call for You
and You don't come

what if
I'm waiting
and You're busy

what if
You do come
and You don't like me

what if
You change everything
and I don't like it

what if
I try really hard
and I still can't find You

what if
everybody asks me where You are
and I don't know what to say

what if?

Mornin, all.
Yesterday I went out by myself for the second time... Richy kept R2
and Toby. I'm on a pretty short leash because Toby won't take a
bottle. But I had 2 glorious hours of aloneness. I went to Cinco De
Mayo and ate. Just ate and ate. It's weird how used you get to
gobbling your food while bouncing a baby on one leg.
I also went to the library. Then I received a very sad phone call
from Toby and came home.
It was great, and then I was so happy to see my boys again.
I remember being a kid, and being by myself a lot. Everybody in the
family was older... then I got popular at school and started to like
being the party.
Then I grew up and got tired of being the party.
Then a lot of sad things happened and I needed to be alone.
Now I am happy and I am never alone... but I still crave solitude
sometimes. So yesterday was a blessing.

Today is guys day.. a guy will choose the topics and womenfolk will
wait until noon to argue. = )
And the first topic will be chosen by.... Naytron

Very fun Mother's Day in Galveston with the Yablonskis.... although I was frustrated by the supposed wireless access not working for us...
We started a 21 day fast yesterday. I am somewhat excused since I am responsible for Toby's complete nutrition, but I'm fasting sweets and the internet... except for you, my bloggeratis.

Last night's meeting was great... a very fitting last Monday. Man, I am looking forward to the next chapter.

Happy MD to any woman who has ever loved a little one in His name...
you will reap in joy.

So, in the tone of yesterday's blog, Mother's Day has changed for me...
Last year I don't remember... I probably didn't go to church.
It's just that same selective perception thing... all the sudden,
because of my losses... I am aware of what a hard day that is for
people... who want to be moms, or have kids away from God, or who
have children or mothers in heaven.
So I want to be celebrated; and I want to celebrate my mom. It's just
bittersweet now, thinking of my sons in heaven, and my friends who hurt.

I'm not one who says it's just a marketing scam. I LIKE holidays.
Especially ones with presents. Bring 'em on, I say.

So, to bring this blog to some kind of point, keep your heart open
this Sunday to people who may be sad.... amen.

It's wierd how you don't notice things until they affect you personally. I remember seeing Toyota Corollas everywhere after we bought ours... still do, as a matter of fact.
Other things that my eyes have been opened to....
Special needs people... honestly, I never really paid attention. You know, you just kinda look away. Now, growing my own"special"... I see the people in there. And SN kids are so fun... not everything, but there is usually a pretty good sense of humor and sweetness... It's interesting to learn another world... kinda going crazy on the ellipsis this morn...
Oh, and now I hate it when people say "retarded" as a cutdown. HEY! That's a dumb way to use that word. It means delayed. So it's not an insult... but now it is and I always kinda cringe when I hear it.

And the whole universe of child loss and infertility.... wow.
After I lost my twins, or rather had my twins and they died, I found an online forum/message board for Christian women suffering from loss or infertility. You guys cannot understand what that community meant to me, and still means to me. I had to have my family, I had to have my church family, and I had to have this community called Hannah's Prayer.
Just .... sharing a cup of suffering.... and they've been there or they are there. What a blessing.
So now, I see things differently. I have known the agony of wanting a child, desperately, and waiting and hoping and losing. And then hoping again and getting my baby. I will never be the same after this journey.
So now I have my eyes open. And I see people around me, wanting, waiting.

Just kinda introspective this morning.. wonder who else I will "find" as I grow?

---

**GREAT new pix on the family pix blog**

Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.
- C. S. Lewis


NATE:
AMERICAN IDOL SPOILERS IN HERE

I have nothing to say. I need more sleep... I can say that.
this is becoming the most boring blog (if you read my entries) ever.

Oh, hey... Rob and Steph are moving here in June! Hooray! And....
inspiration gone. That's all I got.

I would participate in a recipe blog Yep Nah    Free polls from Pollhost.com

I think I would participate... like if I couldn't think of what to cook... or if I made something awesome and felt like inspiring the masses....

who knows what might happen?
Last night was our spontaneous forgotten pre-planned, canceled and re-
requested college ish age homegroup.
It was awesome... Brownies, fun people, and Jesus. Doesn't get much
better than that.
We talked about a 21 day fast... I'm sure you will all be invited to
it, in a week or two.

Richy's plan, as of last night (haven't talked to him yet today) was
to go up to MoCo today and try to get this thing resolved. Pray for
favor and open doors.... the enemy is opposing us on this thing.

And if you love the Monday night meetings, come get your fix cause
there's only a couple left....

In other news, American Idol will be singing Elvis this week. My
grandma would have been so happy.
Of course, if the King of R&R made it to heaven (I hope he did), then
Mammaw can probably hear the real thing.

here's your weekend blog... I'm off to the family reunion. Should be
a hoot.

Here's the auditorium at MoCo.

Pretty, eh?

We feel like this is the place.... definitely ran into a wall there yesterday, but it's a human wall... we need to pray this building in.

We may start in an alternate location, but ideally we could start at MoCo. And even though the door is somewhat closed, we don't really feel like it is. We just need the breakthrough.

Let us know if you want to be involved in helping, there's an email list Richy is building. Also, on my sidelinks there is a link to Richy's devotional podcast. Check it out.

Today.... no plan. Glorious.
Tomorrow, family reunion- my mom's side... should be a heck of a lot of people and quite fun.... Pictures next week.

Click for larger view... The Clarkies at the Alamo. This will be a fun one to frame because we have the same picture with just the two of us from almost 10 years ago.




We went to the Astros game last night... it was quite fun, especially when Toby fell asleep and we made him a pallet on the floor...







When he woke up his daddy gave him a little taste of goodness...







Which he appreciated..




Here's the whole crew except the picture taker..


the Astros won, but not too easily... fun was had by all... especially the stranger in front of us who had 2 Corona's and was just CRAZY about us by the 7th inning...

Top o the middle o the marnin to ye
All right, guys... this is your day and I need to be entertained....

Me and r1 and Toby are going to an Astros game tonite with Rob and
Steph.... very very fun times are planned....

WHO shall choose the topic? Perhaps Danielle has something to say
that's not too girly.... maybe

San Antone....
I love that city.... I know it's all engineered but it is just so
pretty. I have been to the Alamo a jillion times, and I still just
want to stop and read every little thing and soak it all in.... and
go to the Riverwalk and ride the boat and just be there...
We went to SA for our honeymoon, and our first anniversary, and a
couple more times for vacation. And then Richy had seen it all.
Oh, but I love it.

Friday night the band set up in an open style revival tent. Leah and
I went to the hotel with the small fry and relaxed and then came back
for the service. I don't know--- maybe 150 people?? The first night
was different, because there was a core group of like 10 people that
were really locked in and worshipping and such, and the rest just
watched. It was good, though. For dinner, the church ladies made
lasagna... we used to get pizza 5 times out of 10, now it's lasagna.
But it's tasty and it feeds a lot of people etc etc.
Saturday night I liked better. We had Mexican food. Just kidding,
about the service. I think there were more people there, and
definitely more people engaged in what was happening. Lots of
dancing... and really great spontaneous worship and intercession from
the band. I hope we get the video. And then Mexican food...
mmmmmmmmmm (oh, Richy preached both nights but Leah and I and the
squirts were off to the nursery)
Sunday marnin we made like heathens and went to the Riverwalk with
the Radiants. We walked and walked... saw the nickel tour of the
Alamo (Richy's speeding bullet version) and then walked some more.
Funny story here... Leah's daughter Anila is almost 3.
Nini is scared of the big animatronic gorillas at the Rainforest
Cafe. So we walked past and she got scared and started saying she
didn't want to go in there, didn't want to see the monkeys and so
forth. Leah was reassuring her that they were the only monkeys. Nini
is anxiously scanning all the trees overhead, looking for monkeys.
Finally, we convince her that there are NO more monkeys. Only in that
restaraunt waaaayyy back there and we are safe. Then a man in a
gorilla suit walks by. L O L
But Leah was able to convince her pretty quickly that that was a
silly man in a monkey costume and soon Nini was yukking it up with
the rest of us.
Lunch on the Riverwalk with the Radiants... fun memory to have.
And then more ministry Sunday night. But I'm tired of typing. I'll
tell you about it later or tomorrow.