Monday, February 23, 2009

bummer of a post

Today I took Toby and Brynn to McDonalds. They did exactly what a 2 year old and a 3 year old should do, and they were good and funny and smart. Somehow I ended up grieving. 

I wish R2 was different. That is something I rarely say that is absolutely true. I wish my firstborn was normal. I wish he hadn't been premature, I wish he didn't have brain damage. I wish he was perfectly normal like his siblings. 

Should I watch my babies play and grieve my loss? Maybe not. A wiser person would probably recognize the brevity of this season, and embrace the opportunity to watch them. I am not that person today. I miss what Richy should have been. 

Sometimes I see glimpses of him, through the fog. Yesterday he was sitting on the couch during naptime, holding M&M's in his lips (like a tongue) and laughing at himself. I started laughing too... it was a glimpse.

The thing with him is, it's a continual loss. I mean, we will go months or years just accepting him and helping him and celebrating small victories, and then it hits us that he will never outgrow this and there's a season of mourning again.

Maybe someday I will find peace and acceptance. Just him, for who he is and be okay with it. I'm sure I will.


  1. I know what you mean kinda ~ I spent years with Megan before I stopped and realized she will always need someone to dress and feed her. As I was watching Rachel today on her stomach, I remembered that Megan crawled the first time the day before she turned 6.

    Its okay that your heart hurts for what R2 could have been.

    Disabled people are so humble and dependent ~ kinda like the Father wants us to be. May we learn from R2 all the God wants us to.

    Love you!!

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. that was me- Shannon,
    *the forgetful

  4. my account now-

    i was aching with you as i read.
    i've wondered if you feel that and figured so. it is a loss for sure.
    i'm so glad he has humor and can walk.. and worship with daddy.

    for R2-
    solid rock
    loving rescue
    best treasures
    Joni E. Tada's heart has found it!

  5. Church I grew up in- minister had son with cerebral palsy (car accident during pregnancy).
    Her parents, also ministers in our church, took care of James most all his life- so they could spend more time with their other 3.(Grandp's- former missionaries who had raised 9 children-- such love) James died last year in mid-30's. His mom wrote a sweet post.
    Nancy's love for James

    Jessica, go read it

  6. getting spring fever over here-- anyone else??

    tune in my head--
    meara bell
    she likes her milk
    she is so soft
    softer than silk


  7. wow jess

    thank you for that raw piece of
    your soul

    we hold it tenderly in
    our hearts,

    and know that while you are
    grieving and we are grieving
    along with you

    that one day he will be perfect
    i know that sounds kinda lame

    but i see those glimpses

    and i love to worship with
    R2 as much as
    if not more than
    with my other friends

    and i know the Father receives
    his worship
    and his worship is perfected
    before the throne of God

    and that inside that fog
    is a fiery
    lover of color
    and light
    and beauty
    and sound
    and fire

    so i rejoice just to be
    in his presence

    and touch his thin face
    and talk to him
    and know

    inside he is not what he
    seems at all

    a lion
    a radical
    a son of God!

    we know not any longer
    after the flesh
    but after the spirit only...

    but even that sounds lame
    and we know the Father also
    in His delighting
    and He too grieves
    and holds the tears in His

    and someday
    death will be swallowed
    up in immortality.....

    oh death, where is thy sting?

    small comfort
    when we are hurting

    i finally got to
    the final chapter
    in The Shack
    i so want to re read and savor each glimpse of passion
    and wonder
    and beauty in those wonderful

    it has helped me understand
    so much more....

    but then
    you were not asking for
    a book now

    were you?


  8. that's beautiful, Kat... thanks

  9. that is not a bummer post

    as I have watched r2 praise
    he has taught me!
    he has encouraged and lifted me into a freer expression than I had before

    now, any time i get excited and start to move my hands in joy at my sides, i feel and know a bit of how he feels - and how excited the Lord feels when we dance with all of our extremities because we cannot contain it any longer....

    there is beauty in his expression

    no, we cannot understand what happens here on earth.... we cannot

    but we can trust, and keep loving, and keep learning....

    have any of you read "The Same kind of Different as Me" yet?

  10. What sweet responses to your heart. I am so with you in all you feel. But you know it just takes one good joke from him to give me understanding and hope. My favorite is probably "The bell is ringing!" What a guy! Mama


Jess here: if Blogger gives you problems, just click "Anonymous" and sign your name. Roll with the punches, folks...

© 2012. Design by Main-Blogger - Blogger Template and Blogging Stuff