I wish R2 was different. That is something I rarely say that is absolutely true. I wish my firstborn was normal. I wish he hadn't been premature, I wish he didn't have brain damage. I wish he was perfectly normal like his siblings.
Should I watch my babies play and grieve my loss? Maybe not. A wiser person would probably recognize the brevity of this season, and embrace the opportunity to watch them. I am not that person today. I miss what Richy should have been.
Sometimes I see glimpses of him, through the fog. Yesterday he was sitting on the couch during naptime, holding M&M's in his lips (like a tongue) and laughing at himself. I started laughing too... it was a glimpse.
The thing with him is, it's a continual loss. I mean, we will go months or years just accepting him and helping him and celebrating small victories, and then it hits us that he will never outgrow this and there's a season of mourning again.
Maybe someday I will find peace and acceptance. Just him, for who he is and be okay with it. I'm sure I will.
I know what you mean kinda ~ I spent years with Megan before I stopped and realized she will always need someone to dress and feed her. As I was watching Rachel today on her stomach, I remembered that Megan crawled the first time the day before she turned 6.
ReplyDeleteIts okay that your heart hurts for what R2 could have been.
Disabled people are so humble and dependent ~ kinda like the Father wants us to be. May we learn from R2 all the God wants us to.
Love you!!
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ReplyDeletethat was me- Shannon,
ReplyDelete*the forgetful
my account now-
ReplyDeletei was aching with you as i read.
i've wondered if you feel that and figured so. it is a loss for sure.
i'm so glad he has humor and can walk.. and worship with daddy.
for R2-
solid rock
loving rescue
best treasures
Joni E. Tada's heart has found it!
Church I grew up in- minister had son with cerebral palsy (car accident during pregnancy).
ReplyDeleteHer parents, also ministers in our church, took care of James most all his life- so they could spend more time with their other 3.(Grandp's- former missionaries who had raised 9 children-- such love) James died last year in mid-30's. His mom wrote a sweet post.
Nancy's love for James
Jessica, go read it
getting spring fever over here-- anyone else??
ReplyDeletetune in my head--
meara bell
she likes her milk
she is so soft
softer than silk
heehee
wow jess
ReplyDeletethank you for that raw piece of
your soul
we hold it tenderly in
our hearts,
and know that while you are
grieving and we are grieving
along with you
that one day he will be perfect
i know that sounds kinda lame
but i see those glimpses
too
and i love to worship with
R2 as much as
if not more than
with my other friends
and i know the Father receives
his worship
and his worship is perfected
before the throne of God
and that inside that fog
is a fiery
intense
innocent
intelligent
playful
syncopated
lover of color
and light
and beauty
and sound
and fire
so i rejoice just to be
in his presence
and touch his thin face
and talk to him
and know
inside he is not what he
seems at all
a lion
a radical
a son of God!
so
we know not any longer
after the flesh
but after the spirit only...
but even that sounds lame
and we know the Father also
in His delighting
and He too grieves
and holds the tears in His
bottle....
and someday
SOME FINE DAY
death will be swallowed
up in immortality.....
oh death, where is thy sting?
small comfort
when we are hurting
i finally got to
the final chapter
in The Shack
and
i so want to re read and savor each glimpse of passion
and wonder
and beauty in those wonderful
words
it has helped me understand
so much more....
but then
you were not asking for
a book now
were you?
out
that's beautiful, Kat... thanks
ReplyDeletethat is not a bummer post
ReplyDeleteas I have watched r2 praise
he has taught me!
he has encouraged and lifted me into a freer expression than I had before
now, any time i get excited and start to move my hands in joy at my sides, i feel and know a bit of how he feels - and how excited the Lord feels when we dance with all of our extremities because we cannot contain it any longer....
there is beauty in his expression
no, we cannot understand what happens here on earth.... we cannot
but we can trust, and keep loving, and keep learning....
have any of you read "The Same kind of Different as Me" yet?
What sweet responses to your heart. I am so with you in all you feel. But you know it just takes one good joke from him to give me understanding and hope. My favorite is probably "The bell is ringing!" What a guy! Mama
ReplyDeletei love me some "party man"
ReplyDelete