If...

Inevitabilities of life:
If I have to go somewhere, one child will lose a shoe 3-5 minutes before we have to be in the car. At least one child will spill something on themselves. Poopy diaper(s).

If I mop the floor, within one hour of the floor drying, someone will spill a whole bowl of something, probably something red like chili, or sticky and impossible to sweep, like rice or macaroni and cheese.

If I answer the phone, all hell will break loose. Especially if I am talking to a doctor or government type.

If we go to the park, or an indoor playground, at least one child will have a dirty diaper. Especially if I forgot to bring wipes. This one is so predictable, I could market it as a laxative.

If all three children are asleep, and I am cleaning, even vacuuming in their room, they will stay asleep. If I sneak away to a private room, someone will wake up. Especially if I am eating chocolate very quietly.

If I kick everyone outdoors, they will stand at the door looking in. If they can't go out, they stand looking out.

If I wear white, I will be clutched by peanut butter hands, or tomato saucy ones. If I wear black, it will be snot, or cheese sauce.

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If I complain about having kids, even jokingly, I remember how desperately I prayed for them, and how lonely I used to be.

Bring on the cheese sauce.