Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I want to live

Had a revelation last night, as I was driving somewhere,- I am sick of existing. I want to live.

I actually had the real revelation of this years ago. After I lost my twins, I got terribly depressed. I remember thinking and writing that I wanted to be dead. Not suicide or even real death necessarily. Just desperate to stop feeling pain and wishing there was some relief. One night we were driving home, when we still lived near Cleveland. It was pitch black out there, except for headlights. And out of nowhere, a car swerves wildly into our lane. Head-on. Richy supernaturally got off the road, and we were unhurt. And in that black shock of a moment, I thought, "I want to live."

Now years later, I'm facing the next phase of that. I want to go beyond not wanting to be dead. I want to live and breathe and fight and CARE.

I want to be a burning heart. To burn for something. Who ever wakes up in the morning and says, "Man, I'd love to be a milktoast." ??

So, okay. Time to take life by the horns and move to Missouri. This is movement. And movement is good.

Also, new pictures over at the picture blog


  1. hey, where IS everyone???

    i suppose out Christmassing....

    I SHOULD be....

    haven't bought hardly any presents or gifts except me and pappy's new bed.... that is our gift to one another

    (secretly, he should KNOW that i'm expecting at least one more present under the tree.... :-)

    you know, you talk about all the things, like, we should spend very carefully this year.... or, kids, there won't be very many presents this year, so be prepared... let's just give from our hearts, etc... but, when it's all said and done... it's difficult to do....

    Lord give us all wisdom.... give us all patience... give us all knowledge... give us all Your Spirit's nudgings and promptings so that we might give sacrificially without being stupid... without going against propriety... against wisdom... against reality of the depth of our pocketbooks....

    Lord, help us to express love in the way that means the most to our loved ones....

    Lord, help us to keep the focus of these Holy Days to be completely on You and not on ourselves....

    Direct our feet like you did the wise men.... so that we might follow the signs... to You....

    Direct our hearts and ears like you did the shepherds... that we would really believe the messages that we are hearing... and respond.... and go.... to get a better glimpse of You...

    Lord, help us be like Mary.... who carried you... enveloped you...nurtured you....then birthed you for thousands of generations....for their freedom... Let us carry you to the hurting world around us.... May we birth Your spirit into our world....

    Lord, let us be like Joseph, who could not understand... but believed... who was crushed and confused.... but chose to walk in love... to adopt this child...this Jesus...

    Lord may we be like Your Son.... conform us into His image... that we may be willing to LIVE, GIVE, DIE, RISE, RELATE AND LOVE like He did and does continually....


  2. me to jess
    i wanna live
    tired of just existing

    GOD help us

  3. jess - you're in an exciting place right now....

    you're at that dark time right before the break of dawn!

    we're going to miss you, but when i saw you and your beautiful self on Sun morning... btw, did i tell you how lovely you looked with your awesome hair color and cut???... when i saw you, it was confirmed to me that you and yours ARE going to the right place for this time in your lives.... you ARE stepping out....and into a new place, but that is where you are supposed to go.... make the most of it!!! hang on for the ride.... grow, baby grow, live, baby, live...ride, baby ride.... and come back and tell us all about it...

    you are loved!!!!!!!!!

  4. Amen! Ditto! YIP! ..............

  5. I cry and cry and cry........and then I remember that 8 weeks is not so long....and babies do change quite a bit in 8 weeks....but 8 weeks is not as long as 5 years.....I can make it 8weeks at a time NP. But this is so much harder than expected.

    Wassup with that?

    I know its God! That is comforting.

    I know my babies hear Gods voice.

    What a peace I feel.......

    But my heart....

    I love you so much.....and I am so happy for you.....and yours....

    I am blessed......and saddened.... and I am not sure what to do with all of these feelings.

    I want you to remember me smiling and blessing you.....but my arms already ache for my Mr.Man. 8 years old and changing ...and growing and maturing....I see it weekly little by little...o my goodness.....I want to soak you up and take vacation days and come over and stare and you 5 and watch you play and be messy and cry when you see my face cuz I am nothing more than the baby sitter....

    Ooo my heart..I am so proud and in so much pain and so excited and thankful and aching.....

    This is hard...

    Gods Grace......is always perfect

    If you stay away 1 year or 5 years or 8 months or 36 months......

    God will give us all the grace that we need to do this.

    HE IS IN THIS....

    and there lies a mother's comfort...

  6. I want to live,
    I want to give
    I've been a miner
    for a heart of gold.
    It's these expressions
    I never give
    That keep me searching
    for a heart of gold
    And I'm getting old.
    Keeps me searching
    for a heart of gold
    And I'm getting old.

    I've been to Hollywood
    I've been to Redwood
    I crossed the ocean
    for a heart of gold
    I've been in my mind,
    it's such a fine line
    That keeps me searching
    for a heart of gold
    And I'm getting old.
    Keeps me searching
    for a heart of gold
    And I'm getting old.

    Keep me searching
    for a heart of gold
    You keep me searching
    for a heart of gold
    And I'm getting old.
    I've been a miner
    for a heart of gold.

  7. yep
    he was searchin for sumptin
    yep he was
    i wonder if he found TRUTH
    sounds to me like he wanted to live


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