Smartypants on FITNESS

Ms Smartypants

We all know that at least one baby we know of was breach and turned around by a certain substance burned between the mother's toes. This has worked I have heard at least 98 percent of the time. How does this work?-G

Well, my dear reader, it is a combination of things. Imagine if you will, that you are an enormous fetus, sleeping comfortably at some crazy diagonal angle, using ribs for a pillow and such. (are you imagining it? I am not) and suddenly you realize that your mother is SO serious about you changing positions that she is willing to put FIRE, and maybe even federally controlled substances, in between her toes. Upon realization of the true instability of your carrier, wouldn't you concede to whatever demands requests she might make? (this is an actual procedure, called moxibustion)

Could you elaborate on the future of such children...

Is it possible, dear reader, that as a payback of sorts, said child would decide to rule over all mankind and cats? I say, it is possible.

Smartypants,
What is the correct body form one should have when running?

To begin with, one must be upright, balancing on at least two legs. I dare not be a species-ist and leave out our multi-legged friends... Once upright and balanced, one must bend at the knee, or at the joint between the tibia and femur, if you are a cricket, and then move forward, one leg after the other in a rapid pattern. I have to warn you, however, I have attempted this clear and accurate plan at the YMCA and it did not lead me to a successful run. 

Dear Ms. SmartyPants,
When one does not know how to run in good form, does one a) keep running, no matter what she looks like?, b)go back to jog-walking? or c) slip off the tredmill and go hide in the locker room in embarrassment?

What one must do is, to speak in the vernacular, rock it like you own it. This involves the purchase of athletic looking athlete-wear from your department store of choice, in a coordinating shirt, exercise pants, and jacket- followed by tiny socks (real athletes show some ankle) and some workout-y looking shoes, with oxygen pumps in the heels and such. One must then have appropriately tousled athlete hair with matching headband, and iPod sleeve. No makeup, as you just get out of bed and hit the gym. Then, regardless of your insane flailing arms and slapping feet, keep a serious athlete face faced sternly forward. If you are propelled by force off the back of the treadmill, hold your calf, like you have a serious athlete cramp, and hobble off to the locker room, where the Naked Senior Citizens don't care.