Tuesday, March 3, 2009

how to get very, very fat

Today was our long awaited appointment with the Nutrition department. Now, around here, there's not much fat. The Clark boys and Daddy are pretty skinny, so Bean and I do our part at holding up the family fat averages. R2 is definitely the skinniest. He has, and has always had, little skinny twig arms. A couple of months ago, he got sick for a few days and lost about 4 pounds. When you are 46 inches tall, 36 pounds is too small. So we made an appointment, and then the plague came and we had to cancel. So we finally made it today.

The lady charted his height and weight, and showed me way at the bottom, where he ranked in the percentile. (Uh, yeah, that's why I brought him here) Then she had me try to describe his eating patterns, and my brain just shut down. I have been having his school keep a food diary for a MONTH, and I just blanked out. I kinda stuttered around with peanut butter and pediasure and eventually I remembered what he usually eats, until it got to what did we have for dinner.

I could probably tell you what my phone number was in 4th grade, and I could not remember what we had for dinner. I had to backtrack through what we did after dinner, to dinnertime, and there it was. Ham and biscuits. Biscuits I found in an online recipe that is a ripoff of Cracker Barrel. Mmm. Anyways.

So she gets out a food pyramid chart, which is something I have always ignored out of a distaste for government involvement in my daily life. Food pyramids and dogging on bottled water, and most environmental recommendations I ignore, because they feel like Big Brother. I digress.

So she basically said I am already doing great, but to try to incorporate every group in lunch and dinner. I was all like, oh, easy! I always read "Eat 14 cups of grain a day, and 6 cups of milk" and so on, and I was like well, heck no. For one thing, who eats that much stuff? And another thing. Who measures their food? I barely have time to put peanut butter and jelly on before some little person is gnawing on my leg.

We also have to go get a powder called Polycose or something like that, which is a glucose polymer, and mix it in with any liquid he drinks. Oh, and he has to stop drinking so much water. Whoda thunk? He needs to be using higher calorie drinks for his liquid intake. I'll get the boy some Coca-Cola. (that is a joke)

I bet I could get to 300 easy if I did this diet.


  1. ah...yes yes.

    When 300 lbs you reach, look as good you will not.

    I mean...as good as me. at 300 lbs.

    and 300 lbs is only 33.34% of 1/2 of a full ton.

    I'm not worried about it.

  2. 1 comment? I mean, no offense, Nate, but come on... where are my peeps?

  3. You have broken the addiction by NOT posting every day at 9 am........ so now we all have a healthy non obsessive love for da blog.......

    You still have a captive audience.... whether writing a blog or a novel....

  4. no, we won't be in town yet.

  5. viking granny is right. it's hard to keep an inconsistent addiction.

    it's hard to relate to the problem of being too thin. but if it helps, around here we sustain portliness through regular bacon grease and white bread treatments. i'm not sure this is an fda recommendation, so consult your pediatrician before starting therapy.


  6. ya that food pyramid chart..
    i plan to do a post soon about some negative thing i found related to its suggestion.

    for R2- some healthy ideas-
    good and right kinds of fat (like unsaturated & monounsaturated fats)*unroasted nuts:
    pecans, walnuts, cashews, macadamias, pistachios, almonds
    {roasted is not good for health- i'll add that in my future post also}
    *olive oil, canola oil
    *avocado, olives, and fatty fish (salmon and mackerel).

    Another tip on this article:
    "Healthy Ways To Gain Weight"
    *Half-hour before and after a meal, completely avoid drinking any type of beverages. This is because too much liquid intake, just before a meal, can make you feel full and reduce your appetite.

    do a google search with that title and search around : )

  7. I think you should go for the 300. Hey, it's good in bowling at least. = )

    Has Toby had his 3 yr appt? Where is he on the charts?

  8. Maybe you should bring him by my house sometimes. We seem to have no problem keeping weight gain up around here! Allthough I am currently trying to make some healthy adujstments. I tend to blame Matt for all my poor food choices. When I met Matt I was a skinny vegan. Now I eat anything and everything. I wish sometimes I did not cook so good! I am currently working on trying to fatten up Paul a little. I send food over on a regular basis. And I taught Sandy how to make cream pies. But I have a sneeky suspision that his legs are hollow.


Jess here: if Blogger gives you problems, just click "Anonymous" and sign your name. Roll with the punches, folks...

© 2012. Design by Main-Blogger - Blogger Template and Blogging Stuff