Thursday, January 24, 2008

the ache

Usually, about the third day into any kind of fast is really bad. You start to get hungry, and irritable. Everything that is normally kept under wraps by food sedation is exposed. If you make it through that day, it's much easier for the next several days. Until the next issue comes to the surface. Talking myself through that moment, I tell myself, this is when it becomes fasting. Until now, I could maintain that I was not hungry, or in need.

I am hungry and in need.
I'm lonely. I'm bored and unmotivated and overwhelmed. And all of my anesthetics are gone....

Get this... there is a soul-deep ache in me. I am missing Eden. Things are not as they should be and something in my spirit knows that. So I ache... I grieve and hurt for what I am supposed to be, the communion I am supposed to know. And I can, I could eat my way through the pain. I could fill my mind with politics, or hobby or entertainment. I could make a friend and talk myself through the boredom, and convince myself that the vacancy in me is filled.

Until that moment when once again I become aware of my nakedness and am ashamed.

G.K. Chesterson said, “Every man who knocks on the door of a brothel is looking for God.” I am sick to death from filling myself up with filler. And yet, despite my obvious and great need, I choose over and over again to anesthetize. Because it is easier. I do not like who I am when the pain comes up.

So here I am faced with a choice. I can find something to distract me, and maybe even smother for a time the spark that is a desire for something more. OR I can face the ache, and try to find solace and comfort in the only One who can fill me.


  1. What a wonderful kairos moment you are entering, all defenses down and
    your heart vulnerable and aware. If God loves you like I love you, He is smiling and holding His arms out saying 'Come on...Come on...Come to daddy! smiling as you take your first brave steps.And I know He loves you like I love you, maybe more.he can't wait to grab you up as you fall into His arms!He knows not only will you take a few shaky steps, but that you will run and jump and even soar in the heavenly places. love, Mama

    I love you, Mama

  2. Wow!
    Heavy, man!
    From Eating to Aching.

    Jess would be best for prez!
    Forget K-Fed.
    Forget Huckawannabee.

    Jess is bess, er best!

    You make me hungry, too!

  3. What a change of flow, but a good one.

    From eating to aching
    From pizza to pursuit
    From sauce to the Savior

    I haven’t said anything, but when you mentioned that you were excited about AI coming on last week, it gave me a heavy heart. Only because last year you said you were done with the entertaining filling and you probably wouldn’t watch it anymore. I could feel that you were still getting your fix from entertainment when you said it.

    Just let go and run to Jesus. Think about five years from now- how will you feel if you don’t run to Jesus now vs. if you do? Live for no regrets- give your all to Jesus now.

  4. ROAR!Hey,kid get 'yoseff some a 'dat Kansas City Bahbee-q!Den ask 'da Lord if u could mebbe postpone for a while!

  5. hey, i know that ache. hurtz, don'it. :) good place for breakthrough. sitting exposed before God. ouch. finally. blessed reality. ouch. exposure. finally, time for something to change deep down. ouch. :)

    love you!

  6. ditto and amen

    reality and nakedness hurts in the face of an awesome God, but then He is so awesome that just as we go ahead and relax in the awefullness of His presence, and release our own self-protection/self-preservation and fears - He drizzles liquid love all over us and heals the burn...

    I'm just barely at the gate and doorstep of His LOVE.... and choosing to leave ME behind and step over the threshold to HIS EVERLASTING FREEDOM AND LOVE AND STRENGTH AND LIFE....

    where there is no more pain


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