Monday, May 12, 2008

Mother's Day

13 comments:
 
Yesterday was a tough day.

Sometimes, I'm tempted to think that I will get "over" my lost children. (dead is such a cold word)

It's been almost 4 years and I never really knew them, surely they will fade from me.

But in my mind, they grow. In this phantom-land, this in-between heaven and earth, there are shadow boys.
There, they are almost 4.

I might go a month, without thinking about them, then Toby finds his tongue, and walks around with his finger on it, saying, "Wud thatsh?" And 2 shadow boys are laughing, because they would have done that last year.

Then it's mother's day, and all my living children are too small to understand... there are no mugs with photos, no crudely painted drawings, no construction paper cards. Not yet. But in that other world, there would have been, this year. There would have been 5 underfoot, instead of 3.

And I, entirely human, am trapped between the beautiful now, the aching past, and the longing for the future, when shadows become reality.

13 comments:

  1. Mother's Day was special with Isaac being added to the celebration (he was last year too, but now he lives here and he's older and all). Andy always makes sure I feel appreciated all day. That is incredible for me....

    my shadow boy (Steven) would turn 20 this summer.

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  2. my shadow boy would be sixteen

    i will see him some day

    you never get over it

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  3. Hey Jess. Its Amanda. We miss you! I agree.... it seems mother's day will forever be bitter sweet. My heart ached as I thought about all of my children and imagined my daughters yesterday. You are not alone..... not that it makes it better....

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  4. amanda! i miss you guys, too!

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  5. Jess.

    You are such a good mommy. Salute to those who taught you to mother.
    (tee-hee)-G

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  6. To the woman who taught me the art of Hamburger Helper and the chore bribe- I salute thee

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  7. Invaluable tools, I say... invaluable.-G

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  8. and the skill I hope I am most fondly remembered is the fine art of DELEGATION

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  9. Connor spent the night with us last night. WOW! Mike and I are both sleep deprived today. That is one HUNGRY baby.-G

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  10. "eat eat eat feed me feed me feed me"
    is that what Connor kept sayin?

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  11. yeah, exactly and I AM STILL HUNGRY!-G

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