This conference is awesome. Think "flag lady" on speed. As in, the ladies who wave beautiful flags at church... but these suckers are 10-12 feet tall or something. And their bearers take it seriously. I have an inner imp... (it's not a demon) that just sees humor in everything, so I'm having a blast. 

I don't think there's anything funnier than people who take themselves seriously. 

Anyway, despite my impishness, it's a powerful conference and God is moving. I am currently holed up in the hotel with the wee ones, who are gorging on the gift basket we got... fruit, nuts, power bars. Toby on a Power Bar might not be a great idea. We shall see.

We're heading out of here in about 10 minutes to go be a part of  this conference. I'm really looking forward to it, and I hope the wee ones are cooperative so I can sit in some of the meetings. 

I am now missing 8 keys, and 2 or 3 others are stuck, thank you Toby. It is becoming progressively harder to type.

Last night was the memorial service for our friend Juan. It was good, in the way that sad things are good. We celebrated his life and his legacy... continue to pray for the family... this is such an impossible thing to navigate.

Death is always a thief. And it's never really expected. And even though we have heaven, and death is not eternal for Christians, it's a bitter pill to swallow here on earth. Thank God for heaven. :)

It has come to my attention... there is some concern out there that I may be wasting away to nothing. Not so. I was dieting and working out for the bridesmaid dress, and I met my goal. Which is about a size 6. For a 5-footer, that's far from skeletal. Just in case you were worried. 

In other news, no real news. Hung with the Clarks last night,  my sisters this morning, and the mommies for lunch. I then went to a thrift store and Toby acted bad, so we came straight home and he is now taking a nap. Sheesh. I think I need a nap, too.

Tonight is the memorial service for Juan... it will simultaneously be sad, and a celebration of his life. More about that tomorrow.

Sorry I didn't blog yesterday... I was getting ready for Lindsey's wedding. Being in a wedding can be a nightmare... or a delight. THIS wedding was very fun, for multiple reasons.

Like, I got to pick my own dress. Yessss... and my own shoes. I picked these.

Aren't they delicious? Honestly, sometimes being a girl is the best.
The girliness of being in a tiny room with about 8 other girls and we are all in our beautiful dresses and ... sigh. Just... you need to be a princess sometimes. It makes all the days of being "Mom in passing car" or, "Woman in grocery line" worth it.

What is it that makes beauty so fulfilling? I think it's a longing for heaven, for Eden, for perfection. You know... like that violin note that just makes your heart ache. We were made for beauty.

Another reason it was fun... it was so weird. Crazy Israeli gypsy wedding. It was AWESOME. And Steph and I clean up pretty good, no?

I'm so excited to be in Conroe for a few weeks. I love EVERYONE and I am having such a good time.
Oh, and Mexican food. The answer is always YES.

because we are crazy nuts, we have decided to leave tonight instead of in the early marnin. So no time to blog, gotta pack!

Texas, here we come! WAHOO!

You may have noticed that most of my posts lately include a picture. This is on the express demand of the MOG... and it works out, since I take about 12 pictures a day.

Today we have a neurosurgery appointment... these are quite boring, since everything they need to know about is inside his skull. Or thereabouts.

So we'll spend the day dressing and bathing all thirty kids, and pack them in the van and drive around forever and unpack them and their paraphernalia, and walk around hospitals forever, and sit in waiting rooms and use gummy snacks for bribes, and color and beg Toby to STOP already, and so on.

All to get in the room and tell the doctor, no vomiting, no headaches or swelling or any other sign of shunt malfunction. We will repeat this information to the desk clerk, the decoy doctor, and finally, the neurosurgeon.

Nobody will believe we know anything, and they will give us a pamphlet we could have written about shunt malfunction. We will try not to be snarky and say that our child had a shunt while they were still in medical school. And finally, we will all smile and shake hands and pack all 400 kids and go home.

Tomorrow, we see the neurologist. That's a little more interesting.

Oh, and American Idol? Yessss.... the best man won. Now I will have a TV hiatus until January.

I freely admit, I am a bubble-bath-er. Some people smoke pot to relax, some people rip off convenience stores. Me, I immerse. I typically buy some kid bubble bath (Elmo, for example) because it has more bubble power and it smells good. Oh, and it's WAY cheaper. Somebody else who lives here could buy me expensive bubble bath, like, oh, I don't know, raspberry from Bath and Body Works. In the shopping center with Target. Over by Starbucks. But I don't usually buy that kind for myself. Anyway.

Last night R2 decided to pour an entire jug of bubble bath into his bathwater. Why? Who knows... the workings of his mind are unsearchable. I walked by and saw the jug floating in the hot pink sea. The strawberry scented sea...

I cried out with a loud voice, but the damage was done. So I thought, "Well. I guess he'll just get really clean". The water was already off, and I did not foresee further bubbl-age. Except the excited flapping of the hands.... for an extended period of time (the boy likes his bath) created a fortress of bubbles... when I walked in there for the ceremonial washing of the hair, I was taken aback. Wow. LOT of bubbles. I let all the water out in hopes the bubbles would subside.

During the draining of the tub, I went back in my room and watched the opening of American Idol. Toby danced wildly during the credits, and then kinda disappeared on me. A second later, I came running at the sound of panicked screaming from the bathroom. Evidently, Adventure Toby had lost his balance and taken a header into the bubbles. I gotta tell you and CPS... I did not get him out immediately. Oh no. I called the spouse and pictures were taken... as soon as I wiped the bubbles off, he was gone, back to Idol.

So, I washed R2's hair and made him get out, much to his disgust, as there was still a mountain of bubbles to look at. But, all was forgiven once he realized Idol was on.









Speaking of Idol, I fear that my candidate will not win... David Cook (the rocker) didn't get great reviews last night. BUT, if my 5 texts count for anything, (and they don't) then he will be crowned the new American Idol tonight and get to sing a horrible, spectacularly bad song tonight.

Not a lot to talk about today... I am toying with the idea of NOT unpacking our suitcases... since we're leaving for Texas on Saturday.... I mean, I'll just have to pack again. The same clothes. But the temptation of the full suitcase tempts Toby beyond resistance.. it is continually ransacked. My normal "put it up high" approach is possible, but the climbing! Oy vey.

Today I went to Walmart... had the oil changed on the van, and spent the cursory hour strolling and making impulse purchases (like yogurt, no budget for REAL impulse purchases)... I chose an adorable tiny pair of pink sandals for Bean... we had them through the dairy section... I saw them when I picked out the bacon... they were there when I got the avocados. But alas, they did not make it to the register. Somewhere, probably by the bananas, there is a pair of size 2 sandals ... they are so cute. And now they lie discarded... another time, we tried to buy a cheery green colander. It was worn as a hat throughout the store. Same story. I never saw it go. Ah well, another time.

I got a haircut. At first I hated it, so she kept cutting. Now, it's tolerable. Definitely not loving it. But it's short and blonde, so that's entertaining.

Like I said, folks... not exciting. Peace.

OH! And the Idol finale is tonight! WAHOO! And may the best David win!!

Man... yesterday, the drive seemed a heck of a lot longer than last time... I guess it was still around 10 hours. Seemed like a ju-jillion. We're home now, and I love this little house. Time for lunch and a haircut. Please.

When I left you yesterday, I was faintly marigold, with lily yearnings. Still there. BUT I have purchased more blonde-ing products and will try some mo, momentarily. The price of beauty...

So here we are at Friday, our last weekend in Nashville. I'm ready to get back to KC, check on our house and such. AND then, next week... actually a week from tomorrow, we're off for Texas! Wahoo!

Someone suggested to me today, and I won't tell you who, since the scorn would be so great, that we CAMP on our way back to Tejas. Camp. As in, tent, outdoors. As in, oh HECK no.
See, I would love camping if it was in a decent hotel, with cable and a pool, oh and AIR CONDITIONING AND PLUMBING.

Worst. Idea. EVER.

What's so wrong with camping? You ask. Abraham and his homies did for hundreds of years and such. Jesus camped. Yeah yeah yeah. Here's what's wrong with camping. Everything but marshmallows over a fire. So:
•outdoors
•bugs
•heat
•porta potties
•dirt
•gravel
•tents
•food, outside. with all of the above.
•camping
•etc.

I will sell a kidney on Ebay to pay for a hotel room, if I have to.

this is why I'm hot

Well, the outrage has compelled me to post, albeit quite late. I have been in the process of blonde-ing myself.

Yesterday I got to a bright orange. Today, after a ridiculous amount of time under chemicals, I am more like a goldy-pale orange. Like a marigold, maybe. The only problem is, I wanted to be more like a lily. Like a faintly yellow-tinted lily. Oh, and probably if I bleach it anymore, I will melt my hair. That's problem #2.

So, I wait. Until my fear of melting my hair fades. Like, maybe Tuesday. Then I might try it one mo time. Sheesh.

because of skipping the nap
the screaming

because of the screaming
missed the exit by far

because of missing the exit
lost in downtown nashville

because of lost
frustrated and lost

but now, finally, we are home... sheesh.

My brain is tired.

A good way to kill blog comments is to talk about something sad. It's even worse in person... We have shut down many a conversation, some that we would have liked to continue! But people just get very awkward and don't know what to say... the whole, actually we had twins that died commentary is not such a crowd-pleaser. Anyhoo.

In other news, I have been working out. Multiple times. The truly alarming part is, I kinda enjoy it.

Tangent: is "kind of" and "kinda" actually supposed to be kind've? Because, what, what is KIND OF? I ask because I have seen misuse of "must of". Discuss. End tangent.

I have been doing the workout I did with Leah, 8-ish minutes on the elliptical (oh jeez) 5 on the thing I don't know what it's called, 5 on the stairstepper (HATE) and then 10-ish on the treadmill. Then crunches of various kinds and bicep/tricep stuff and stretches. Takes an hour total. With childcare. And by the end of next week I should look like Barbie.
That will be a relief.

I found a bridesmaid dress I really like at Goodwill for 7.99, OH but it was green tag day. FOUR dollars. I have to spend 11 to get it dry-cleaned, but still... that kinda thing just makes my week!

Listen, there has been a lot of good spiritual stuff going on. I have been getting some amazing prayer and prophetic ministry, and I am excited... more about that some other time.

Yesterday was a tough day.

Sometimes, I'm tempted to think that I will get "over" my lost children. (dead is such a cold word)

It's been almost 4 years and I never really knew them, surely they will fade from me.

But in my mind, they grow. In this phantom-land, this in-between heaven and earth, there are shadow boys.
There, they are almost 4.

I might go a month, without thinking about them, then Toby finds his tongue, and walks around with his finger on it, saying, "Wud thatsh?" And 2 shadow boys are laughing, because they would have done that last year.

Then it's mother's day, and all my living children are too small to understand... there are no mugs with photos, no crudely painted drawings, no construction paper cards. Not yet. But in that other world, there would have been, this year. There would have been 5 underfoot, instead of 3.

And I, entirely human, am trapped between the beautiful now, the aching past, and the longing for the future, when shadows become reality.

give the boy something to EAT!

Happy Friday, everybody! I'm about to break out of this apartment and take the bambinos somewhere, anywhere. The walls are closing in.
I haven't mentioned yet that I'm on a diet... just trying to work off some tummy. When Leah was here, I took her to the Y with me and she instructed me on how to use the machines. She said she's been waiting for this day for 15 years. :) And we've set up a low-carb plan, which is really challenging for me since I live on carbs. LOVE them. So cutting out the Cokes and the BlueBell has actually been easier (and the chocolate and the poptarts) than cutting out potatoes and bread and biscuits. Mmmmm..... biscuits.
And I'm supposed to be working out at least 3 times a week. Not impossible. Just.Need.Motivation.
Going thriftshopping today. If I find a rocking bridesmaid and wedding-attendee dress, that oughta do it.


And my yearly reminder... Mother's Day can be a really hard time for some people. 

If you know someone who has lost a child, acknowledge their motherhood... 

If you know someone who yearns for children, love them...

If you know someone who is separated from their children or their children are separated from God, surround them, pray for them. 

Just keep your eyes open. 

Oh, and if you want info on how to watch The Call in Jerusalem live on Sunday, go here.

the radiants throw down some Famous Dave's barbecue

Last night we went to Famous Dave's (hallelujah) with the team and then Leah and I stayed up till 2 or 3... they left this morning and sheesh... lonely for my radiants already.

It was an awesome time... I love what happens when we are all together and we pray. Yesterday was a powerful, explosive service... I haven't been able to watch the web archive, I'm afraid maybe it wasn't recorded. Anyhoo. It was wild. I sang with a Daniel Mathews worship set, and we blasted Nashville in prayer. Brynn slept in her playpen right by the stage, R2 jumped, and Toby committed felonies and misdeeds all around the sanctuary. And he did a puzzle, and danced a little. But his primary function was wrongdoing. The students here love him, which is great. He's just so busy and funny and really very good. It's not like he's breaking things. He's just mooching food and running in crazy circles squealing and scattering puzzle pieces and climbing on the stage and jumping down the stairs and drinking other people's coffee and trying to get in the playpen with his sister and using open markers for drumsticks, thus coloring his shirt, and hanging out in the coffee bar chatting up the ladies. Like that, see?

BTW: Mother's Day is Sunday. Don't be a louse.

Been slacking a little on the blogging lately. First, I was grumpy. I got progressively better as my children's father spent some time with my children... which meant less climbing on me and screaming in my ear and so on. I was there too, but just having Parent 2 in residence helped a LOT.
Then, Sunday afternoon, a few Radiants (daniel, chris and hannah) came to visit! Wahoo! Monday the some more of the Radiants (leah and nate), which leaves a deficit of a few Radiants (Jacob, his soon-to-be-bride Rachel, and Natalie). Very happy happenings here... I missed my peeps tremendously. Good times, including hilarity.
Last night was the concert... you can watch the vid on yesterday's post. It was awesome except the part where I chased a nutso hyper 2 year old for a long time. My favorite part might have been when I was back in my apartment with sleeping or baby-gated children, peacefully watching the webstream.

Not that I'm complaining, really. I am actually loving this time of being Mommy of the Year to these little people. I do get stressed and exhausted, but I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. Cliched, yes. Sometimes you gotta bust the cliche. Does that need some kind of accent? Cliche' ? Anyways. The point is that most of the time I really love just being mommy. I should blog about that more, instead of just when I'm tired and frustrated.

By the way, Toby knows the alphabet by sight, and some numbers, and most of his colors. I just thought you should know.

Oh, and more of these great pictures over at My picture blog

Tonight at 7 CST, Radiant will be webstreaming a live concert from Nashville... just come back at 7 and click play...

---

Did you miss the concert? Here's the video!


Altar mnistry video and other archives here

I toy with being SuperMom, but sometimes I just want a nanny and a nap. I don't know how single parents do it.. I need a second adult around here or I just start getting MEAN. I end up just like them, saying Mine! about my sandwich and pushing and arguing. Sheesh. 

This conference has started here at the Thunder School. It is consuming 115% of the MOG's time and I am tired and grumpy. I'm fine. I just need some chocolate and a little alone time. 

Sheesh.

I realized pretty quickly after posting yesterday that I had failed to blog about my dad. In my defense,  I thought it was April 29th. I even wrote that date on stuff. I am date-challenged.

Anyhoo. Yesterday was the 8 year anniversary of my dad's death. It's interesting how time changes grief. I miss him now... I hurt for my children not knowing him. I know he would have LOVED them and thrown them into the couch and hit them in the head with wrapping paper rolls and just threatened them and insulted them in general. The good thing is that Richy and I learned all that. So we can't do it the same, but we do it. 

And I feel sad for my mom, charging forward sans her other half. So I'm sad, but I'm not really grieving anymore... you know? 

And I wonder what it would be like, if he was still here. I wish he was. On the other hand, he went out relatively young and beautiful, which he always joked about. 

So I've been thinking about him... and marveling at how life goes on. 

Note: If you have my blog in heaven, on your supercomputer... I love you and I miss you.