Laws of Moses to mothers of toddlers

These are the laws given to the mothers of small children, that none may be unclean or sit upon an unclean surface or touch any unclean thing with their hands.

If the children eat oatmeal at the table, then that table is unclean. Let the priest examine the table and if the oatmeal is dried on the table, then that table is to be destroyed, unless the priest has a Magic Eraser or sandpaper. If the priest does, indeed have a Magic Eraser or sandpaper then the priest will urge the mother of the children to cleanse the table 7 times, and then it will be clean.

If the children eat Ramen noodles and the table overflows with Ramen noodles, and Ramen noodles remain upon the floor and the table and the chairs, the table and the floors and the chair are not unclean. If the priest will turn his face away from the evil in his sight, the noodles will dry, indeed they will become hard and may be swept up by the priest with a broom. The priest should not vex the mother of the small children because indeed, wet Ramen noodles will not be swept up, indeed they will make the carpet unclean if the mother tries to sweep up wet noodles.

If the children paint on the wall with washable paint, the wall is not unclean, and the paint may remain until the 3rd day of the week, or when a guest is expected. The mother of the children must wash the wall immediately prior to the guest’s arrival, while the priest sweeps and cries loudly to God for deliverance from uncleanness. If a stranger from a foreign land appears without notice, then the wall does not have to be cleansed, because the stranger asked for it.

If a young child is being toilet-trained, then that house is accursed. Every surface in that house will be unclean, indeed, if the potty-training continues beyond 14 days, then the mother of that house is also unclean, and the smell of uncleanness will never leave that house. Of all the things accursed, most evil in the sight of the Lord is the green turtle potty, for though you cleanse it with hyssop and myrtle leaves, and though you scrub it with Clorox wipes, it is an abomination to the Lord and must not be mentioned, lest He come and smite you with a curse worse even than potty-training.

These are the laws given to priests and to the mothers of small children, that their guests may not sit upon a surface that is unclean.