me, and Rachel and C.S. Lewis

I've been in a little bit of a funk lately. Was it stirred up a little by dreaming of two little boys in sleepers and drool? Yeah, that helped the funk :)

It's a hard thing, wanting a baby. I have been so blessed to be part of an online community of women who've experienced loss, or primary infertility or secondary infertility. I'm not infertile, but the challenge of staying pregnant and having healthy babies has put me in the same boat as a lot of women struggling with secondary infertility, that is, having difficulty having a baby after a successful pregnancy. Anyway, I have cried with them, and they with me, over the last 6 years, while we were waiting.

During that whole process, I had Toby and Brynn, which by outcomes were successful pregnancies, although both the pregnancies and their first days and weeks were complicated and touch-and-go. But in between, I knew the ache. I waited and I wailed and demanded of God and eventually, gave up control.

C.S. Lewis said, "I gave in, and admitted that God was God."

Am I rambling here? I'm just explaining that it is a powerful thing, to long for a child. Rachel, from the Bible, told her husband Jacob "Give me children or else I die..."

And I am not ungrateful, I know I am overwhelmed with blessings. I have 3 living children that are my world. All I'm saying is, once the "want" comes, it's hard to turn off.

So I've cried, and I've held my miracles closer, and now I wait, patiently, again. There will be a baby. There will be a baby.