Monday, September 20, 2010

Hearing the check bounce: Priceless

I've had this ear problem for a couple years maybe. How's that for a sentence? I tell you, I just grab hold of the English language and MAKE it do my bidding. What I was trying to say was, and is, that I have consistently had problems with my left ear for an indeterminate amount of years. It would get clogged, and then closed, and I would try cleaning it various ways and maybe doing that whole push-on-clogged-ear suction method, and it might open up for a while and then close again. Dashed inconvenient, losing an ear. Me and Van Gogh were like this.

This was the weekend, the hill I wished to die on, my Waterloo. At Walmart, I bought a box of Disney Princess panties for Brynn and an "Earwax Removal Kit" for myself. Capitalism. At home, I put in the little drops and waited for magic to happen. Nothing. I consulted the packaging and saw that a truly desperate person could attempt flushing the ear via bulb syringe, which was confirmed by that most accurate source of medical information, the Google. I dug around and found an old bulb syringe, and rinsed it with hot water and then plunged away. I shot water in my ear with a vengeance, and then vacuumed it out, and again and again. It was very satisfying, at the moment, hearing the "slpppppppppppp" directly in my ear-hole.

Post-plunging, I was dissatisfied with the lack of openness in said ear. Later that night, the ear started throbbing, followed closely by TWO DAYS OF DEBILITATING PAIN. So much better than a clogged ear!

Yesterday, I lay around in agony all day long. Seriously. It was like a drill running into my ear canal. With flames. And explosions. And insanely loud toddlers. The MOG held the world together, cleaned the house and rearranged our bedroom. I prayed for a meteor.

Today, I had enough and went to the Urgent Care clinic, where they don't care at all, about anything, ever. For 100 dollars. The doctor couldn't see in my ear, because of wax. The wax I had plunged and suctioned and NOT defeated, evidently. So I had to have an irrigation procedure, so he could make sure I didn't bust my eardrum or some such.

Is it unladylike to talk of earwax? I apologize.

Is it a little goofy to call vigorously squirting water in one's ear a "procedure"? Well, yes.

Is it a little goofy to almost pass out from slight pain during said "irrigation" and great fear of pain? No, that's totally reasonable.

I can hear now, like my left ear is miked. I haven't heard this good in years. So, totally worth writhing in pain for 2 days and an ton of cash. I think.


  1. wonderful post.

    and i'm glad you're now free of pain and able to hear.

    but more importantly, funny post.

  2. Poor thing! That's terrible! Have you ever tried ear candling?

  3. maybe now you can REALLY hear what the MOG is speaking

    (roll on floor laughing out loud so hard i bust a gut)


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