Friday, April 10, 2009

In which I am sad, and bum you out

I am having a hard time blogging today, because I am sad. Sad makes people uncomfortable. 

I am sad because it is April, and I miss my dad. 
I'm sad because I miss my sons who would be coming up on their 5th birthday in June.
And I am sad because I am freshly grieving R2, and the future.

I talked about this before, about seasons of recognizing old losses and new ones with him. Yesterday I took him to the doctor for his 9 year old checkup (he'll be 10 in June. Oops) and it was just me and him. For most of the time he was in his own world, but when doctors started coming in he came and sat with me and held my arm. For a moment, I knew he needed me, and loved me. Most of the time he is so, so distant.

The appointment was fine. We are going to be referred to an ENT, because he failed a hearing test, (he hears fine, but something is wacky in his ears) and to a neuropsychologist, to try to get a grip on these violent self-injury fits. It was a strange appointment, because it's the first one anyone ever talked about long-term care for him. We plan on him living with us all his life, but it's just a little bit of a fresh blow to hear it again, that he will never be independent, barring a miracle.

So today, my heart is heavy. I'm hurting because life is not perfect, and there is suffering, and pain. Someday everything will be made right. Until then, my spirit will long for Eden. 

Somehow, there is such a beauty in grief. I love, so I hurt. 


  1. I love you too Jess......what a comfort to know that Richy needed reassurance from his mommy when he felt uncomfortable. I understand how you are feeling and I also have no idea... I am sorry baby..... you are absolutely will all be ok someday and made right.

  2. i'm glad you still write when you're sad. that's really healthy. when i'm sad, i generally just clam up.

    i have no idea what it's like to go through what you're going through. i can just listen and suppose. but i'm really honored that you share it. and you bless us with your honesty.


  3. I have been sad about Dad today also. It is that time of year.He died one week after easter. It is strange how the sadness comes back to us this month.-G

  4. Hey,

    God has a lot going on in your life right now and he trusts you so much. You a very diligent servant and he loves you and your heart to serve! Have a GREAT day
    Love ya!


  5. i love ur writin and ur spellin

    bloggin is a real talent

    April is the month i moved to montgomery county (and ctk) from harris county (lakewood) 22 years ago now


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