Smartypants helps out

 mama pc said...
Dear Smarty- Pants

What does a mother do when one of her daughters does the chicken dance on I10 in front of her adoring fans?
November 8, 2008 1:04 AM

This, my dear reader, depends on the daughter and the mother in question. If, for example, one’s daughter is less than 2 years old, your response would probably be something along the lines of gasping and clutching and sprinting and such. For mothers of an older daughter, like perhaps, 23 or so, Ms Smartypants would recommend grabbing hold of the ol’ trousers and joining in!


 josharoo said...
Deat Ms. Smartypants,

How can I become famous and get my own advice column like you?

Thanks,
Jealous Joshua

One of my most faithful questioners, Joshua. Once again, before stepping into the literary world, let me recommend a good spell-checker.

 lisbeth said...
o.k smarty

how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?

A lady would certainly not know, as a lady would never engage in such vulgar acts as consuming lollipops or chewing gum in public.
For those ones of you vulgar enough to still want the answer, according to Wikipedia :According to the official Tootsie Roll website, over 50,000 children have written in since the launching of the commercial in 1970, claiming they know how many licks it takes. Their responses have ranged from 100 to 5,800.
Three independent research studies have been carried out to determine the answer. Engineering students at Purdue University devised a "licking machine" that showed an average of 364 licks are needed to get to the center. Using 20 human volunteers, the figure was 252. A doctoral student at the University of Michigan created another licking machine and came up with an average of 411 licks.

Good to know our universities are engaged in meaningful activity.




and

how can you be so sure your advice is good advice? would you feel bad if someone took your advice and then it led to bad places? maybe jealous josh isn't equipped with your level of wisdom. what if he gets in the business and something horrible happens?
November 8, 2008 7:55 PM
This is a multi-part question, which I will now dissect.

how can you be so sure your advice is good advice?

There are some absolutes, dear reader.

would you feel bad if someone took your advice and then it led to bad places?

I am having difficulty envisioning this scenario. My advice, administered correctly, would preclude a utopian existence.

maybe jealous josh isn't equipped with your level of wisdom. what if he gets in the business and something horrible happens?

I hesitate to consider what could occur under said circumstance. Jealous Josh has shown great skill in offering Human Resources to airplanes. My strong suggestion would be that he, and others like him, stay a healthy distance from journalism, and/or advice columns in general.

 anonymous said...
Smartypants,

Why did I just squah a bug on my monitor when I knew it would nasty bug guts get all over the monitor?
November 8, 2008 11:58 PM

A predisposition towards violence, perhaps? How was your relationship with your father?

 mommy mere pete said...
Hey Ms Smarty-Pants,

I have new mommy questions for you!! I'm sure you will be able to help me!!

How does a nursing mother NOT get covered with milk in the middle of the night when the baby is sleeping for hours on end??? Why does a baby fight going to sleep?? How does a baby make the butt-sneeze noise??

HELP ME!!
Soaked and sleepless

Ms Smartypants can feel men wincing all across the country as they consider this possibilty. These same men would have no trouble discussing the “time I cut my hand wide open on one ‘them buzz saws. ”I have potential real answers for you, but I will avoid all talk of milk for the sake of the selectively squeamish. Not to mention, I have never had a child that slept more than two hours at a time until they were 12 years old or so.

A baby fights sleep on the great hope that something exciting will happen when they are not sleeping. Is Mommy lying on floor in fetal position cursing the day she was born exciting? Indeed it is!

Ahem. Ms. Smartypants will not comment on this “butt-sneeze.” Ahem.

 anonymous said...
YES! Smartypants is back!

OK, what do you do if you secretly think your husband loves the nfl more than you?-G


Once one has been married for 20+ years, is it really a secret anymore? There are some absolutes.


2. What makes car mechanics so much different than the rest of society?

They are an elite class. The fact that such a small percentage of society, through great knowledge, controls the transportation of society as a whole is frightening. Will mechanics someday control the world’s food supply? Only Dr. Ron Paul knows.