Saturday, July 16, 2011

marital expectations: the list is hooey

In my mom's group, we talk about various topics. The Bible, of course, because we are spiritual women, but also, like, our husbands, and how they are perfect (and also how they are not) and other things. Thursday night we talked briefly about dating and why I am considering starting an arranged marriage service, or maybe just a dating referral site or something. I am having a lot of ideas these days, I should probably get another baby to suck up all my brain energies.

We touched briefly on "the list". You know, that list you make of what your spouse HAS to be. I didn't have a lot of time to make a list, since I got married before all my baby teeth fell out, so mine was truncated. It said, "Musician. Long Hair." Richy was everything I was looking for, and more. That's a benefit of getting married young, you're simpler.

But so much, the list is goofy. I mean, nobody is going to measure up to that stuff, unless you're a pessimist, and your list is things like, "Only yells once in a while", "Keeps up with basic hygiene", "Does not kick cats." And then some joker comes along with buck teeth and you don't give them a chance. Just saying.

I'm not saying don't have ideals, prayers you throw up to God for Prince Charming or Cinderella or whomever, I mean, God likes to know what you want, even though He already KNOWS. I just bet Prince Charming's list didn't say, "Girl from dysfunctional home", "Skilled at cinder-sweeping", "Difficult in-laws", "Tendency to misplace belongings, i.e., shoes." "Weird transportation."

And everything changes, in life. You'll find the things you thought were crucial are so secondary when your bald husband is a totally rocking dad, or whatever.

Maybe what's important is who you are. Maybe make a list of who you want to be for a future spouse and then pray that in, and do the work to make changes. Maybe you've got a minute here to work on the one you can actually change. I'm talkin bout the man in the mirror. Make that change. (Sorry, unavoidable.)

Sidenote: if you're already married, the principle still works. You can't fix your spouse, you can change yourself, at least, most of the time. Turn it around, yo.


  1. You using the word "hooey" made me read this article. What a fun word! I also enjoyed your use of the word "yo!" The article was very good too and I totally agree....I think. ;-)

  2. Jess, sorry about the hair. - Richy

  3. Why is it everytime you write about finding a future spouse I feel like I can breathe a bit easier? I like your advice. Thanks :)

  4. Jess - you start the arranged marriages, I'll sign up to be your first client :D
    I've learned this principle the hard way as I've gotten older & learned to wait for His timing in pairing me up. My list has gone from tall, blond, and good looking to Jesus freak with leadership skills or whatever God wants...

  5. yesss. i love this and totally agree. wish i had focused more on becoming someone my dream of a husband might like to marry than on dreaming him up! seriously. i got a dream of a man, but i'm painfully aware of all the times i'm no dream of a wife. ha! i already plan on teaching my kids this one. good word, pally.


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