in which I talk about gross things

I'm not one for potty stories. I mean, I was raised to not even discuss what happens in the bathroom, and that's fine with me. So I tend to tread lightly on the topic, because, it's gross. And private.

Still, there's a line- and potty training is that line- suddenly a good deal of my time and attention is consumed by bathroom-y things. Like today. Lemme tell you about today.

Actually, let me back up and tell you about the last week. To protect the innocent, I will use a pseudonym for the party in question. Let's just call him "Tony".

"Tony" is pretty well potty-trained. Everything is going along pretty well and then we have this major regression and all of the sudden he is... there is no way to put this delicately- pooping in his pants EVERY day. For like a week. Being a levelheaded and responsible parent, I have tried all my sane, responsible methods,

a) losing my cool and yelling my head off

b) namecalling (not as bad as it sounds- I just say he's acting like a BABY

c) spanking, well after the act and the hose-off

d) threatening

e) pleading, reasoning and begging

Like I said, I am the adult here, and I recognize that something is not working.

As I lay in a fetal position on the couch this morning, bemoaning the smell and the grossness and will-my-hands-ever-stop-smelling-like-this and i-have-to-bleach-the-tub and so on, it occured to me- there is one sane, responsible choice left. The bribe.

I offered "Tony" one chance at a computer game on the condition that his next solid waste made it into the proper receptacle. He has obsessive-gamer tendencies, and so we rarely let him play computer games, and we don't have a game device, nor do we want one. Anyway. He was very, very excited about this plan and immediately went to the bathroom to attempt -

I underestimated my charge- he is determined to poop all the time. After two herculean efforts that produced tiny amounts- (still, successful- so he got the game) I realized I was going to need to rethink this. He then spent 10 minutes on breakfast, and then played for maybe 30 minutes, and then he went back in the bathroom for 15 minutes, and refused to give up. (sigh)

I eventually took the mature choice and dragged him out, kicking and screaming, and made the new rule. The official policy is, "There has to be a lot of poop in the potty to get the game."

This is disgusting. I can't believe I blogged about this.

The thing is, it's not really about the poop. Ugh. It's about the determination and willpower of this little person. I better figure out parenting, quick.