It's goofy, because I am a mother. Like, a lot. That's pretty much all I do. And also, I'm all about holidays. If I could figure out a way to get a present out of Boxing Day, I'd totally do it.
But Mother's Day is different. I am a mother of 6 children, but only 4 are with me. My twins are in heaven, have been for almost 7 years. You'd think my living kids would be enough to make it a joyful day, but the ache never goes away. Part of my heart is in another reality.
I also can't escape the pain of so many friends, who are empty-armed, either from loss or infertility. I can't explain why it hurts, to be acknowledged in a Mother's Day church service. When the pastor asks the mothers to stand, or the ushers pass out flowers, I am painfully aware of those seated, and I remember the year my babies died, wanting to be anywhere but there, standing despite my emptiness.
My strategy now, and for years, has been to skip church on Mother's Day, and celebrate what I have. It's not as hard, now, to laugh through the ache. The ache is a part of me, it will always be a part of me. Someday I will be in one place with all of my children, and I expect flowers and a coffee mug, darn it. Or you know, some kind of heavenly thing, like a harp or something.
good choice of pic for the story too and thanx for being brave enough to say what is real for so many on this day, and dont even get me started on fathers day....
ReplyDeleteThose of us who are still without children don't always think about how hard it still is for you who are on "the other side." Not that I foolishly believe having children can erase pain. Thank you for remembering us. ♥
ReplyDeletei feel the same way
ReplyDeletego jess
Yeah, i'm getting to really dislike Mother's Day too. I dig it for celebrating my own mom, but for all the other reasons, i'd rather crawl in a hole and wait 'til it's over. =(
ReplyDeleteA friend passed your post along to me. We lost our son Joshua in October 2010 from a congenital heart defect. He was 51 days old.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I have 3 living children, 2 here on earth, one who will be in my belly until November. But a 1/4 of my heart is in Heaven. He never even got a chance to experience Christmas, Thanksgiving, or even Halloween....
People keep telling me to focus on my other children, but it's so hard not to function with this deep ache within my soul.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.