Our journey to parenthood has been really complicated. Read through the Clarkives for the whole story. It has 5 preemies, 2 extended bedrests, 2 infant deaths and an adoption. During that journey, we went from not wanting kids, to wanting unlimited kids to being afraid to have kids at all.
Here's the thing. If my womb and what-not worked like the average bear, I think I'd be semi-quiverfull. That is, trusting the Lord with it, not preventing pregnancy, and having a million kids. (I don't endorse ALL quiverfull beliefs) But the womb, she don't work. So now I'm in the position of having a lot of control over if and when children join our family through adoption. (I'm not talking about another baby right now, I'm just thinking)
So now I'm thinking, how many kids can we handle? And really, what's the right thing? Because I'd like to adopt one every couple years, and there's always enough love and beans and rice. Maybe that's crazy talk. It already feels like I crossed some kind of line going from 3 to 4, like I moved over to the beginning of the Big Family line. Seriously. I remember feeling crazy and overwhelmed for months with 2 kids, and on and off with 3. 4 feels like a lot, but not like unmanageable. (Note: it might feel unmanageable when my mom moves back and I'm doing all the laundry and cooking again; check back)
I realized I basically wrote this same thing years ago, pre-Tristan. I am a predictable creature.
I have been having A LOT of the same thoughts recently. Like, I want to take care of my body, but beyond that, don't really have any idea how many kids we "should/could" have. I'm really growing to dislike the "how many kids do you want?" question. Seems so ridiculous that in the grande sceme of life one would know in one's 20's if you'll want another baby 10 years later...No one asks, "How many houses do you want to own in your life time? Or how many cars?"
ReplyDeleteI have no idea! I'll just take it as it comes!
But I do sure love babies. And I don't think I'll ever get over just how cute a lovable they are, or how I feel when I'm holding a brand new one for the first time.
Besides, "dangerous people have lots of kids," and that sounds exciting. :)
If you leave yourself out there and let God do the leading, you will be amazed at how he works. In my mind, it's all about the heart of the matter and putting how many children you will have in His hands. Sometimes that can be really HARD when you want another baby! Jonah and I consider ourselves "quiverful" even though we don't prescribe to most of their belief system(or have never been pregnanyt!) except that we should trust God for our children(and maybe more but I honestly don't know any more about "it").
ReplyDeleteI think being open is what it's all about and following His leading when it's time. Or, you could just keep your name out there with whoever you're working with and let God do the rest. That's what we've done and we've been amazed at how God has worked. Sorry it's so long!
Good thoughts here, Jess! You know, I'm not a mother, but from what I see there's not much about motherhood that's all that reasonable anyway, whether you have one or a dozen. And I mean that in the kindest, biggest compliment sort of way :) After all, how often does God's kingdom in general seem reasonable? We're all a bunch of crazy radicals following a carpenter-turned-preacher who saved the world by dying. Reasonable? Don't think so. So my two cents here is this, 1) If you've got a desire to adopt more, perhaps it's because God's got some more orphans that need a mama like you (and rice and beans). 2) By being able to choose how many kids you want, God is giving you a greater opportunity to seek and obey Him.
ReplyDelete