Our journey to parenthood has been really complicated. Read through the Clarkives for the whole story. It has 5 preemies, 2 extended bedrests, 2 infant deaths and an adoption. During that journey, we went from not wanting kids, to wanting unlimited kids to being afraid to have kids at all.
Here's the thing. If my womb and what-not worked like the average bear, I think I'd be semi-quiverfull. That is, trusting the Lord with it, not preventing pregnancy, and having a million kids. (I don't endorse ALL quiverfull beliefs) But the womb, she don't work. So now I'm in the position of having a lot of control over if and when children join our family through adoption. (I'm not talking about another baby right now, I'm just thinking)
So now I'm thinking, how many kids can we handle? And really, what's the right thing? Because I'd like to adopt one every couple years, and there's always enough love and beans and rice. Maybe that's crazy talk. It already feels like I crossed some kind of line going from 3 to 4, like I moved over to the beginning of the Big Family line. Seriously. I remember feeling crazy and overwhelmed for months with 2 kids, and on and off with 3. 4 feels like a lot, but not like unmanageable. (Note: it might feel unmanageable when my mom moves back and I'm doing all the laundry and cooking again; check back)
this has been an oft-interrupted stream of consciousness, and I don't even know exactly what I'm saying. It's like this. I think I should have lots of kids, I think I'd like to have lots of kids. I'm not sure how many kids is reasonable, and I'm not sure it matters. Something like that. So there you go.
I realized I basically wrote this same thing years ago, pre-Tristan. I am a predictable creature.