I was thinking I would buy a turkey, and then I would open the oven and put it in and let it cook for hours and hours, and then it would be done and I would be Martha Stewart.
Then, I went onto the Google and found out there is stuff inside the turkey. Guts, y'all. and a NECK. Inside the turkey. And GUTS. Shooooot. So I was all like, ewwww.. and then I started reading about how you have to have a special refrigerated wing of your house with a temperature technician in a hazmat suit and if you get off by a degree or two, you could wipe out an entire internship at IHOP and possibly face prison time.
THEN, a "friend" posts a video for me to watch about the best way to cook the turkey, and it's all like, thaw it like this for DAYS but between these temps and then soak it in a bucket of brine for 6 to 8 hours and everyone who doesn't do this, their turkeys suck. They are dry and overcooked and they suck. And deep down inside, I know that that is true. Turkey sucks. I've talked about it for years. Maybe that's why. Maybe no one soaks it for a day in salt water.
After that soaking, then you rinse it and pat it dry. I don't even TOUCH raw meat, and here I am giving this one a baby bath. Then you put some stuff inside, like sprigs of rosemary. Sprigs of rosemary. I like to eat CORN DOGS.
So after you put some random twigs and such inside the bird, you make a little foil helmet for the white meat, and then you cook it for a while, and then you put the helmet on it and then cook it some more, and temperature is the key. How do you think our wealthy white forefathers killed off the Native Americans? Undercooked turkey, that's how.
I'll let you know how it goes. Or, you might hear about it on the news.