Thursday, November 19, 2009

Mr. Bird, in the kitchen, with the BACTERIA

I have to cook a turkey. Not right now. Well, basically right now but I'll get to that. The deal is, we are having a Thanksgiving party/lunch here on Saturday afternoon, for various peoples and friends and such. So I, being the hostess, am all like, "Hey! No problem! I'll cook a turkey!"

I was thinking I would buy a turkey, and then I would open the oven and put it in and let it cook for hours and hours, and then it would be done and I would be Martha Stewart.

Then, I went onto the Google and found out there is stuff inside the turkey. Guts, y'all. and a NECK. Inside the turkey. And GUTS. Shooooot. So I was all like, ewwww.. and then I started reading about how you have to have a special refrigerated wing of your house with a temperature technician in a hazmat suit and if you get off by a degree or two, you could wipe out an entire internship at IHOP and possibly face prison time.

THEN, a "friend" posts a video for me to watch about the best way to cook the turkey, and it's all like, thaw it like this for DAYS but between these temps and then soak it in a bucket of brine for 6 to 8 hours and everyone who doesn't do this, their turkeys suck. They are dry and overcooked and they suck. And deep down inside, I know that that is true. Turkey sucks. I've talked about it for years. Maybe that's why. Maybe no one soaks it for a day in salt water.

After that soaking, then you rinse it and pat it dry. I don't even TOUCH raw meat, and here I am giving this one a baby bath. Then you put some stuff inside, like sprigs of rosemary. Sprigs of rosemary. I like to eat CORN DOGS.

So after you put some random twigs and such inside the bird, you make a little foil helmet for the white meat, and then you cook it for a while, and then you put the helmet on it and then cook it some more, and temperature is the key. How do you think our wealthy white forefathers killed off the Native Americans? Undercooked turkey, that's how.

I'll let you know how it goes. Or, you might hear about it on the news.


  1. when I was little, my job on Thanksgiving was to come give the Turkey a massage with oil [after my mom cleaned out the insides], before it went in the oven.

    Stuff it with stuffing! That's the best! Plus, my mom is a master cook, but she never does all that fancy stuff. Fear not!

  2. Man o man! Are you stressing or what!?

    Can't you purchase a fresh (not frozen) turkey? I don't know. Maybe they are all frozen.

    The guts with neck are usually in a little paper-like bag within the turkey cavity. No big deal.

    Purchase Reynolds baking bags, the one for turkey size. Rinse off the turkey, pat it dry with paper towels, follow directions on baking bag box. The turkey will come out extra moist & juicy. It never fails.

    Do the stove top stuffing on the side.


    Just have some fun!


  3. Jess - my biggest suggestion: RELAX. I hate touching raw meat too. I just do it next to the sink w/ the soap immediately avail to wash.

    The guts are all in a bag. Pull out the bag & toss it, you're done.

    AB's brine is great, but don't worry about the whole temp/foil thing. I just cover it from the beginning and uncover at the very end to brown up the bird...

    AND w/ the brine, if you go over a little bit w/ the time its not too bad. But you can take out the extra insurance & use the bag instead of the foil and that way when Toby & Brynn interrupt & you forget the turkey.. it'll still be juicy!

    You CAN do this.. Martha puts too much stress on us. Trust me

  4. I buy my turkey pre-cooked/pre-smoked/pre-cut in the sandwich meat aisle at Walmart. If you buy enough packages of sandwich meat maybe you could heat it up in the microwave and then, using toothpicks, mold it into the shape of a turkey. I like to throw in a little bit of ham and corned beef to make a weird, yet tasty, turkey/pig/cow hybrid. I call it Turpigow. Just don't swallow the toothpicks.

  5. hahaha thank u for this bit of SUPERB entertainment! :)

  6. wow!!! sorry but can't help at all!! its fun reading though!! thanks for the laughs!!!


  7. Great story, Jess. I like giving the turkey a baby bath.-G


Jess here: if Blogger gives you problems, just click "Anonymous" and sign your name. Roll with the punches, folks...

© 2012. Design by Main-Blogger - Blogger Template and Blogging Stuff