revisit: open adoption

Sometimes, as I am writing the minutiae of my life, I think to myself: "This is on the internet." And I firmly believe there is no privacy on the internet, as expressed by this diagram. Not that that affects me too much, since my mama told me all my life, "Never write down anything you don't want the whole world to read." And that was way before the internet. So. Headstart.

Anyway, all that to say I am aware that Tristan's birthfamily might read this here blog, and I try to write accordingly, and not say anything I wouldn't say to their faces. That's a good policy anyway, y'all. Just saying.

So we're walking out open adoption, figuring it out as we go along, and it may be redefined a million times before we know how it will really be. After our last visit, they hadn't requested a follow-up visit, but I had a dream that led me to think we should initiate a get-together. So I did, and they seemed really glad for the opportunity. We met at a park for a couple of hours yesterday.

It's tricky, all this. I want to let them see he's happy, settled, okay. I want them to find peace in seeing that. On the other hand, I don't want to cause them more pain, like, if it hurts more to see him, to see me and him. So I have to leave it in their court, but they're walking a tightrope, too, I'm sure. So yeah, tricky. From what I can tell, they don't regret placing him, and they're happy he's so loved and part of us. They seem to be adjusting, carrying on. And really, I have to be okay with that, even if I'm not sure it's true.

So the visit was good. It was easier than last time, because we know each other better and the first-visit jitters were not a factor. It might have been a little weird for them that he's bigger now and not so immediately accepting of them, he took his time warming up. Eventually, though, he crawled and laughed and danced and did all his wonderful stuff. And I was so, so proud of him. It's funny, feeling such a possessive sense of pride and joy for who he is, when he was their baby first.

There were moments where we all were just watching him, enjoying him and laughing together, and it was just family. I hope that dynamic will grow as we continue down this road.

I wrote some sappy poetry about it over yonder.

I am so grateful to God and to these sweet people for my baby. He is pure joy.