I remember my parents going through this. "We should build a fountain! Inside the house!" my mom would say. My dad would argue that it would cost too much and be too much work, and then they'd go to the library to get a DIY fountain book and to Lowe's, to stand around for a few hours waiting for assistance. Eventually, the fountain would be built, or there would be gold wallpaper, or they'd build a table, and it would have cost 3 times what they expected and much, much more than some random fountain they could have bought premade. It's how we do.
And the internet has made it much worse, because the internet says, HEY YOU SHOULD MAKE THIS IT'S TOTES EASY AND YOU NEED IT, BECAUSE YOU ARE LIVING IN RUBBLE. "Let's make curtains!" I say. So I start doing math. It's like, Okay. Measure your window from the top of the Hypoteneuse Strategy through the meridium. Now, multiply that by 3. That is how much fabric you will need, except translate that into metric and then back. For the width, hold your measuring tape at a 47 degree angle and tilt your head slightly to the left and then add 18, unless you are near the Equator. I wrote about a third of the instructions down and then I went to find the MOG, because I ain't cut out for book larnin.
|fabric samples. |
quit looking at my fan, it can't help
looking like that.
Next we went to Lowes to buy my electrical conduit, for the making of dirt-cheap but classy curtain rods, so we could stop living in a hovel. Richy went in by himself, because Tristan had Walmart demons and was no longer permitted in public. After about 3 hours (very slight exaggeration) he calls and tells me that my dirt-cheap DIY plan is going to cost us a fortune, or something like that, I couldn't hear him over the sound of screaming. But it wasn't just me, Tristan was crying, too. So I agreed to anything, anything. Just anything. I will hang chicken bones and make curtains out of green beans, whatever.
So we went back to Walmart and I bought the 2 dollar curtain rods that look like a mobile home (no disrespect) and then we went home to find that all of our collective minds are rubbish and 6 yards covers like a third of ONE window and I have like 10 windows. 3 hours at Lowes and Walmart to almost have enough cheap curtain rods. If we tack Tristan's therapy bill onto the tab, these curtains should be in the Taj Mahal. What curtains, you say? Oh, that's right. WE STILL DON'T HAVE ANY CURTAINS.
I am going to buy bedsheets. I am going to cut them in half and hem them, probably badly, and then I am going to hang them on my windows. And when you come over, you will say they look great and I am a great housewife, and tell Tristan that his needs matter and his voice is heard. OR ELSE.