Tuesday, August 14, 2012

a first world lament

If you aren't first world, maybe just don't read this. Even those of you, who I greatly admire, who are deep and committed to social justice and the plight of the poor, and who do great things at great cost, just stop reading.

Just shallow Americans left? Okay. I DROPPED MY IPHONE AND IT DOESN'T WORK AND I CAN'T LIVE MY LIFE LIKE THIS. Oh, and I forgot about you fiscally-minded older generation who can't comprehend why anyone would ever need a pocket computer that costs as much as your house did, back when you bought it during the Depression. Get lost, Gramps, this one's not for you. (disclaimer: this horrific disrespect is for humorous purposes, only)

Okay, who's left? Welcome, bottom-dwellers. MY PHONE. It's like my brain has been amputated. I go to the store, forget to bring in my archaic paper list, can't access my Stickies, can't look up a recipe, can't google my next destination. I can't ADD things. I can't text anyone, and I can't see if anyone has liked or retweeted me, saying I am going to Walmart. I can't instagram an amusing picture of a Walmart patron and their magnificent mullet. I am like a pilgrim out here, like an astronaut without a radio connection to NASA.

And when I'm home and I want to heytell all the people my ideas for the day, I can't do it. I have to go on my real computer and email them, and who emails anymore? Other people, that's who. Like Laura Ingalls Wilder.

I can't write blogs, or paint the sunroom, or be productive, because it's like my arms are just lying there on the entry desk, and what am I going to do, put them back on with my feet? I can't even listen to music. It's not like having a flip phone. When you love an iPhone, as I do, it becomes a crucial part of your world, an extension to your hand and your brain. Suddenly, you hold all knowledge, along with a phone, camera, GPS, iPod and a million other things. Look around, the iPhone users will all be holding their phones as they go about their lives. You might think it's a sad commentary on the modern age. I imagine the Amish still shake their heads at cars, not to mention wifi.

The cruelest part is, it's just a loose wire to the display, so I can hear texts coming in, like taunts from a bully hidden in the bushes. Two tiny screws are keeping me from knowing all of the things. And they're weird screws, because maybe Steve Jobs had control issues, God rest his soul.  A friend might be able to fix it next week. Until then, I'll just be over here in a fetal position.


  1. No! Not the iPhone! Brutal. And, yes, I've noticed those screws. Oh, Apple.

  2. HILARIOUS...so glad I made it to the end, and yet now I am wondering what it says about me (on the inside). haha BETTER NEWS - what you really need is NEW technology. Yep, you heard correctly. AND I know for you Apple lovers this will crush your world, but did you know the IPHONE is no longer the hip to the hip hop anymore. I JUST found out when I went to finally get one. hahahahahahhahahahahhahaha Typical of me to be the last to get the DEAD technology.
    No, seriously. Jason LOVES his IPHONE has been nagging me to get one, I finally go and I leave with (DRUM ROLL PLEASE) An LG LUCID. You heard me....NOT an IPHONE. Jason was so ticked at the Verizon guy for saying IPHONES were NOT the tit to anyone's tat. He is still fuming. hahahahahhahaha
    BUT I digress - I am sorry you broke your phone....I went a whole 2 days without one and it was pretty terrible. What is wrong with us? LOL


  3. pardon my typos and the irresponsible "An" infront of LG...clearly, I didn't proof my comment.....and these are the people who homeschool their children. Indeed I do. hahahahahahhaa. that is all.
    -liz- (again)

  4. hahahahaha we can tweet txt & make all kinds of comments & you cannot get all snarky like

    you R laura ingalls wilder
    face it

    (hope u get it fixed real soon)

    (this is meant to be somewhat humorous too)

  5. Oh man, the agony! Ironically, over lunch today, I blurted to my husband "I think I might ditch my smart phone for one of those old flip phones and pay $7/month instead of $100/month for my plan. It will save us $1,200 a year!" He looked at me blankly, shoved some more pizza my direction and then put his phone to his face and said, "Siri, is she crazy?"

    So I guess if I do end up following through (unlikely), you can have my phone.

  6. Lol. Great post. I know we sound shallow to the technically challenged, but it's just that when you realize that you have the answer to every question you can think of, including the Biblical ones, in the literal palm of your hand, it's really hard to go back to the dark ages like that.

    Also, i totally recommend an android. I don't mean to blaspheme, but mine's still better than yours. I can see my texts and everything!

  7. Apparently there are a lot of us shallow, bottom dwellers out here...I guess it's not so much about that really (assume justification stance). I think that the phone has become our brain, our memory, our imagination, our eyes and ears into the universe. So yea, what the heck are we supposed to do without that? I do send emails, but I live in KS near some hills and plains so it makes sense that I would do ancient, covered-wagon things like that.

    I'm really very sorry for your loss, but it sounds like you may have a resurrection...

    Have you tried praying over it? I think that works at Bethel.


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