Friday, May 28, 2010

the other woman

Do you ever have the thought that you have no original thoughts? Even that is not an original thought, because here I am thinking of it first. Only not.

This is not the first time I've pondered this. I wrote about it last year, or sometime. On occasion, when I think deeply about a new subject, I want to blog about it and hash it all out on the interwebs and its virtual paper. The problem is, there are a million blogs, with a million people, pondering the same thoughts and probably saying it better. Sometimes that gives me a boost, a sense of belonging in this human community, and sometimes it makes me a little tired, because if they didn't figure it out in 1680, what's to say I will get a good grip on it now?

All that being said, I'm still thinking about it. Thinking about her. No, not that kind of her. I mean the woman who is carrying the child I will parent. My baby's mother. I spent way too much time on angry birthmother blogs in 2007 and 2008, and even though it was really uncomfortable reading for someone who hoped to be an adoptive parent, I think it was good.

For one thing, I don't think adoption is win-win. I think it's necessary sometimes, and it's a wonderful answer to the problem of our foster care systems, but it's not easy. Someone is losing here, in a big way. A mother and a child. I can guarantee you that I will love a child with all my heart, and they will be my child, and I will be their mother, and still, it will not be the same. Maybe I've read too much angst on all this, because I can't be totally carefree and giddy like I'd like to be.

There is a woman. Today, a woman, with a swollen belly and tiny feet kicking her from the inside. Trying to sleep with tiny elbows in her ribs. She will give life, and then she will say goodbye. I can't be totally happy about that, no matter how much I want to hold a little baby, to call him or her my own.

In my most selfish moments, I wish she was awful. I wish she hated being pregnant and she couldn't wait to be rid of a baby, and it won't hurt her at all to let go. Then I snap out of it and I know that is wrong and crazy and of course she loves her baby and of course it will hurt, and someday I can say, "She loved you. She loves you SO much. You are so worth LOVE."

And maybe in a couple of years I will read this and think about how little I knew. And that won't really be that original, either.


  1. John Lennon wrote a song that said " there is nothing you can say that hasn't been said. Nothing you can do that hasn't been done." Amazing to me but at the same time it is original because it is the first time I have thought it. It is MY first experience with that thought and isnt that what counts?-G

  2. I think it's awesome that you're thinking deeply about all sides and angles of this child's life. Knowing that it was a loss before it was a win will make you a better redemptive parent. What an awesome experience you're about to have - and what a wonderful redemption your child will know. Beautiful.

  3. Hey...stumbled upon your blog through a FB link posted by Tracie Loux, my dear friend and family member through marriage.
    As a birth mom, myself, I'm very thankful for your thoughts on this topic. I had a wonderful experience some 26 years ago in placing my daughter into a forever home. Back then most adoptions were closed and consequently mine was too. I have no regrets about my decision. God was faithful to sustain me and my family through the difficult decision. And, I'm happy to say, that His faithfulness continues 26 years later. I have a husband now and three wonderful boys. I do not know where my daughter is, but I know that God's hand is on her and I pray that He leads her to Him. I'm so very grateful to the couple who chose her. What would I have done if there were no willing parents to take in my precious little baby girl? So a big thanks to you and your husband for being willing to love a child that doesn't enter your family through you womb.

    Forever grateful, Lisa

  4. Hey Jess, as one who did, almost 1 year ago, adopt a newborn from a birthmom, I so can relate to your thoughts and feelings. We not only met our birth mother, but really fell in love with her. That made it all so much harder, though, I wouldn't change a thing. She was a mom who very much loved her baby and, under different circumstances, she woud have loved to parent him. It broke our hearts to walk away from her and her sobbing family that day at the hospital, and still, in the midst of the sobs, she hugged us tightly and said, "Thank you." So, keep thinking about "her" and praying for "her" - we do. In our case, we feel like we adopted two children, the one we came home with and the one who gave him to us!


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