Thursday, September 5, 2013

Fitness tips: Dieting "EXPERT" style

Recently I revolutionized the fitness industry with this groundbreaking post, which will no doubt be a bestselling book series within the month. My sister is some kind of fitness guru, and she was just speechless with awe after reading my take. I'd like to follow that up now with some more advice, because this thing might be a cash cow, and I am full of it ideas.

Let me talk to you about dieting. Maybe you've tried the all-watermelon-rind and grapefruit diet, or the Ramadan diet where you pray five times a day and only eat after sundown, or the Kate Moss diet where you do cocaine and don't eat, I mean, haven't we all? The shared element with all diets is hunger. "No, no," you say, "Cabbage totally fills me up!" and to that I say, "Thanks, but I do not wish to take the unbelievable opportunity to make thousands of dollars a day selling cabbage from my home," as you shake your head at me in disbelief.

1. The Rule of Buttoning
If your jeans fit, you're good. Even if it seems like there's kind of a lot of extra skin hanging out over the edge like some kind of rubbery Niagra Falls over a denim dam, if they zip and button or snap or if the elastic holds, they fit. Diet unnecessary. Well done.

2. Start Day
Diets can only begin on Mondays or on the 1st of a month. Maybe it's Wednesday when you think of it, but that week is already half over and frankly, you have already really blown it. Might as well wrap it up with a binge and then take the week by the horns. Later. If you forget about the diet and have 4 doughnuts and a chocolate milk for breakfast the next Monday, don't beat yourself up. You have plenty of time to pick it back up, the next  week, assuming your arteries can take a chill pill. Like nitroglycerin, for example. Monday. Or November. No judging, judging causes cellulite.

3. Cheat Day
Many diets have a built-in escape valve where, for one glorious day of 7, you're permitted to eat more of the things you have already been sneaking during the week. Some trainers say to go crazy on your cheat day and just overdo it, because then you'll be like, "Ohhhh, I hate guacamole now, I never want to eat it again," but we both know you would have to die from guacamole to shut it down, and even then you know you'd be like, "Hey, Jesus! Point me toward the avocados." I like to ascribe to a system my sisters call "Chronic Reward Syndrome" which means every good deed is rewardable. Ate lettuce? Go you! Have a cookie. You earned it. Like that. So it's more like cheat moments, which probably add up to less than a day when it's all tabulated, assuming you're a tabulator.

4. The Salad Rule
It's very simple. Salad is healthy. Everyone should eat more salad. The magic thing about salad is it remains healthy, no matter what you add to it. Velveeta? Bacon? Fried chicken? Fried Twinkies? Hall pass! Have your salad and then go pull on your stretchy pants and pat yourself on the back rolls.

5. Dessert
Eat dessert in bed very, very late at night. Your metabolism has all night to deal with it.

6. Analysis
If your diet starts to stress you out, might be time to pursue other options. Like cabbage, for example. Hit me up for information about the unbelievable health benefits of cabbage and how YOU can benefit!


  1. I think the next installment should be about fitness. ;)

  2. Hello Jessica,

    This is such a great post! Thank you very much for sharing these tips :) I like your tip #4. The Salad rule. Indeed,salad is healthy. Everyone should eat more salad.


  3. I agree that you should always have a consistent diet because you can not get the results that you want unless you are eating right and exercising regularly. Lately I have been doing some in home personal training because I really want to be in good shape so that I can live a longer and healthier life. Though for your fourth point, I have always heard that you shouldn't eat too heavy before you go to bed. Is that true?

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