fitness tips from an EXPERT

Many of you know I recently made a foray into fitness. It lasted for a few weeks, as many of my forays do. Someday I really hope to be super inspiring as the person who does something great and finishes. But if that something great is fitness, I won't be done until I'm dead and your accolades will mean nothing to me then. Unless I fake my death, but I'm not going to do that. (wink)

The thing with me is, I am fairly weak at multi-tasking. I am always multi-tasking but that really just means I'm doing a crappy job on like 5 things and totally obsessing about 1 thing. So the thing right now is making some cash, some sweet moolah because everything costs money, even free things. I have acquired 3 or 4 part-time jobs working from home, and I like all of them, bonus. So fitness has taken a back seat, and by back seat, I mean it has fallen out of the truck bed several sharp turns back and will probably not be found until it comes limping down the driveway minus an ear.

So in the interim, I will share some fitness tips for the rest of us.

1. Get some fat jeans. The trick here is to obtain some jeans with some room up in the abdominal area, maybe even a maternity panel, but fairly fitted legs. Not skinny jeans, because having some junk in the trunk but little teeny ankles just makes you look like a bobblehead. Maybe slightly flared. Adjust the waist to your comfort level, above or below your "extra skin collection". You might feel a little winded after this one, make sure to drink some water, or Coke, and then cool down by sitting on the couch and surfing your Facebook.

1b. Rock that updo. Or fingernails or makeup or something. "Look how pretty her nails are!" they say, "She must be super skinny and fit!"

2. Count everything as cardio. "Walking to refrigerator" "Chewing and chewing and chewing" "Yelling at kids" "Thinking sarcastic things while driving" "Operating car" "Trying to find something to wear" "Crying on the floor in a chubby little fetal position". Looks to me like you have EARNED your 1200 calories. Which brings me to my next point.

3. Make your calories count. Eat delicious stuff. "I am worn out from all that cardio," you say, putting your waistband in the approved zone. "I need to protein up with some cheese! And maybe some milk and cookies, because I do not want to go into starvation mode." Good call. Starvation mode is the enemy. Also the enemy: hunger. You need calories to do more cardio, like going up the stairs to bed. Don't forget to stay hydrated with liquid things, like any kind of drinks.

Maybe with some ice water

4. Balance: if you eat something totes delish, then drink something nasty like water, because, balance. Or if you have a vegetable on your plate, like tater tots, then totally have that Coke, because, balance. If you have a diet drink, then everything else you eat doesn't count.  If you run on your treadmill for like 45 seconds and then walk for like 5 minutes and then remember that you have to stop because it's the worst, then you deserve a nice break and cool-off for a few hours. Balance.

5. Social media: if you do work out, the internet has to be notified or else it doesn't burn any calories at all. Extra calorie bonus points for posting a sweaty selfie from the gym or mapping your run. Likes= fatburning.

I'm here to help, guys.