Wanted: Moms

I wrote this for Bound4Life for Mother's Day, but I'll post it here too, in case you missed it! 

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Job Title: Mother

Salary range: intangible benefits. Unlimited cheerios.

Location: everywhere

Job Summary:

You will be the primary custodian of a human soul and body. This is an exciting opportunity to shape the course of the known world, using your unique knowledge of the universe and intelligence.

This is a senior position, no experience required. Even if you have experience, it probably won’t help. It is a lifetime appointment.

Key requirements, both built-in and acquired:

• Availability: you must be able to be on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for an indeterminate amount of years. You will have a sleeping room, but it will be public access and will be shared in cases of stomachaches, shadows, moths, nightmares, sibling-imposed injuries and hunger or thirst, and in any other potential circumstance.

• Flexibility: you must be able to make a plan without expecting that plan to be accomplished in the manner in which you planned, i.e., 3 toddlers vomiting simultaneously en route to your long-awaited, savings-emptying trip to Disney World. Also see: dinner.

• Patience: you will endure rigorous tests like enduring 45 minutes of putting on shoes, 1 hour to eat 2 “dinosaur” bites of carrots, and infinite years-long descriptions of triumphs over video game challenges. You will also be responsible for maintaining a professional air while changing the Bob the Builder bedding thousands of times because bladder control is considered optional.

• Diplomacy: you will be required to show appropriate enthusiasm over any and all artwork, even when said artwork is a Scotch tape sculpture. You will also need negotiation skills to navigate sibling disputes over hot topics like who is in fact touching the wrong side of the van seat. You will be frequently required to bring a cease-fire to physical violence. Occasionally, you will sustain injuries. No one will give you a band-aid.

• Proper sense distribution: you will need a magnified ability to see what is in front of you, as well as behind doors, up stairs, and behind the back of your children. Your sense of hearing will need to be maximized, to hear even the smallest whisper of “Let’s swordfight with KNIVES,” and then to be minimized to not hear the roars of the crowd of 5 year olds running through McDonald’s. A weak sense of smell is an asset for this position. Your sense of humor will need to be the most highly developed of all of your senses.

Benefits:

You will lose: your body, your appetite (many times), your patience (all the time), your plans, your inhibitions, many of your fears and your selfishness.

You will gain children: and everything you give up will pale in the light of what you gain. You will gain the aching sweetness of loving someone more than you thought possible. You will gain the pride and the heartbreak of watching them grow. You gain their dreams, and the joy of dreaming with them.

Apply anytime, and shape the future.