Monday, April 30, 2012

Daddy: 12 years

It was 12 years ago today that we said goodbye to my dad. I never called him Dad in my life, he was Daddy. Now I find myself hesitant to call him Daddy, to remember what that was like, what that meant, to have a Daddy.

He died at 52, of his first and only heart attack. It was a huge shock, he was one of those big invincible people. I don't cry over him anymore, maybe once a year or less, but the ache, the gap is always there. It's interesting. It doesn't work like sand on the beach, where time and water shapes it back, fills in the holes, different, but whole. You never get over losing a person, their place is never filled.

The first few years, I dreamed about him all the time. I would ask him questions about the computer, and he'd answer. In the dreams, he'd always be back, alive, just for a minute, but I knew he'd have to die again. Those were bad dreams, even though I got to see him. I don't dream about him anymore, but I still think, "I need to tell Daddy..."

I was the baby of the family, the last one of 5, and I was spoiled. "Not spoiled rotten," he'd say. "Just enough." The night before he had the heart attack, I tried on a bridesmaid dress at his house, for a friend's wedding. He said, "You look bee-youtiful." The next day, he called me because his computer was finally arriving by Fed-Ex and he wanted me to come see it. "I'll come over later," I said, busy with R2 and all his medical gadgets. The next time I saw him, he was unconscious. He never got off the phone without saying "I love you", so I'm sure those were his last words to me, my last words to him, even though I can't remember.

I miss him. I miss being Daddy's girl. Even if I talk my mom into marrying an ailing octogenarian millionaire, I will never have a Daddy on this side again. I hate that. But I believe in heaven now. When I get there, I expect to see my sons, spoiled just enough by my dad, all of them together.

poems about daddy


  1. I loved your Daddy. He was a good friend to Don and I. I think of him often and miss him. I think of the return of Jesus and how glorious it will be to see Him face to face. Your daddy has already seen Him. Isn't that wonderful and amazing? How wonderful it is to know that we will see all those that have gone ahead of us, again.

  2. He was a great man and he is missed. He used his life well!

  3. Wow Jess, I can not tell you how much I can relate to this. Thank you for sharing with us about who your Daddy was. It sounds like he and my Daddy were a lot alike. Bet they are buds.

  4. I'm sorry you've had to be without what sounds like a wonderful daddy for these last 12 years and then from here on out. It must be wonderful to know you get to see him again.

    Jenn's Mom


Jess here: if Blogger gives you problems, just click "Anonymous" and sign your name. Roll with the punches, folks...

© 2012. Design by Main-Blogger - Blogger Template and Blogging Stuff