Monday, January 23, 2012

It's like I'm handing out CASH

We've been fairly quarantined here lately at the house of the damned. (Disclaimer: I gave a great deal of thought to that title, for the following reasons (a.) there are evidently many horror movies by that title, (b.) it looks like a CUSS and (c.) it's overblown, since we are not actually assigned to perdition. Still, weighing the options, I decided to use it, because I love it.) I mean, I tend to hunker in place during the winter anyway, but we've been cycling through the Mosaic plagues lately, with boils and blood, frogs, locusts and pestilence, and chicken pox and barfing. And other stuff. I might need a new house.

But you already knew about that. What you did not know is that I have been coming up with Very Good Ideas while in-house. I have had a lot of time to think, in the middle of the night while Tristan is screaming/doing somersaults. So here's what I'm going to do for you. I'm just going to throw all this brilliance at you, and then it will be up to you to invent this stuff and make millions. I'm not even asking for a cut, although you don't have to be a jerk about it, send me some free stuff, since I'm obviously the brains of this operation.

1. Medicated diapers: come on, this makes perfect sense. Small packs of diapers pre-loaded with diaper rash cream, so moms don't have to get their hands all up in there. That reminds me of one of my earlier ideas...

2. Wipe gloves: A glove or mitten made of baby wipe material, so your hand is covered. Seriously. I have been changing diapers every day for over 12 years. I question why anyone would ever want to shake my hand, ever. And inventors: make that glove thick, like a baby wipe sponge glove. Trust me.

3. Bathtime apron/towel: Think about this, like a long sleeve lined terrycloth snuggie, with wide flaps to wrap around the small bathed person. This would be useful so that moms of boys, specifically, would not look like Shamu snapped and came after them, post-boy-bath. Also, some kind of floor mat that works like a fountain pump, sucking the water from the floor and running it back to the tub.

4. Home inventory scanner/finder: now, this one is tricky. What I want is some kind of system to identify stuff in your house, like a barcode or something that you can assign to keys, phones, wallets, books,SHOES, whatever. and then when you lose everything, EVERY SINGLE DAY, you can use an in-home GPS of sorts to locate said keys at the bend in the pipe directly below the toilet or what have you. Or library books, for gosh's sake. Because the cost of developing this technology would be less than what I spend on "lost" books every year.

5. Shopping cart umbrella: it is attached to the side of the cart with little clips, you just unclip it and lift it, open it, and then you and your baby or your chihuahua or your groceries can wander the Walmart parking lot aimlessly, wishing you had a GPS scanner for your car, but you won't be getting rained or snowed on. See? Oh, and a shopping cart that is actually designed for a carseat, because it's getting crazy with the upside down babies, Target. Zeriously.

I could keep going, I'm like a fountain of ideas that would make my laziness life easier. But that should keep you busy for a while. And don't make them expensive, because we mommies spend all our money on organic fruit strips for our babies to grind into the van floor.


  1. Jeesh...I thought I was brilliant in 1978 when I attached a paper towel dispenser to the back of a high chair.

  2. Brilliant ideas! Major lol'ing while reading.

    Jenn's Mom

  3. wow, i will never shake your hand again;) remind me if i try to! Also, I'm so sorry everyone's been so sick:( Hope everyone gets healed immediately so that you can have your sanity back!


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