Diagnosis: one year later

Really, most of the dates are fuzzy. I do know it was a year ago that we broke the news of R2's fatal diagnosis to the internet. Today marks the anniversary of the most difficult and painful months of our life, and if it made sense, I'd just try to walk away and forget how bad it hurt, and how scared we were.

I can't, and I won't do that, though. Instead I'll build a little altar of thankfulness here, a year later. Today R2 woke up to the promise of baking brownies. No one reminded him, he went to the pantry and brought the box to us first thing in the morning. He has brought the box to us 1000 times since then, just to keep the reminder fresh, in case we forgot that we're making brownies today.

I remember so many moments throughout his life when I would be reminded that he was not normal, that he wasn't going to progress developmentally, that his behaviors might not be correctable- I remember that little shock of fresh grief to remember that he would never be whole. Those realities are still present, but I live in a new reality now, one where there's a little sharp joy that hits me when I realize that he's healthy and happy and this is real, this gift of time and life is real.

We are so thankful. We're thankful for the pain, because it makes this joy so much richer and deeper in contrast. We're thankful for the pain because we can come alongside other hurting people. We're thankful for the pain because we found that even in the darkest, angriest places there is a God who knows us and He is never, ever changed. We're thankful for the pain because it reminded us how very, very much we love our son, and how fleeting life is.

And we are thankful for the joy, for the miracle. We don't take it for granted. I'd write more but I think I'll go bake some brownies instead.