Teenagers are different from kids. Also, they are the same as kids. But different. There's not really any point questioning me, you just have to believe whatever I say, because this is the internet.

But one thing that is different is, teenagers are almost adults, and as such, you can't really write blogs about them, because maybe they don't want their business on the internet, because they look hideous and everyone thinks so. Or whatever. And maybe you think they look great, and maybe you miss being a size 1, but you're an adult, and a relative, so you're required to think that. So.

My point is, I have to figure out how to talk about my semi-temporary 5th kid, because I am adjusting just like I do every time a new person joins my family, but I have to figure out how to talk about all the transitiony (don't question me) stuff, without embarrassing the new addition, who can read already.

It's so weird how kids grow up, and this niece who I clearly remember as a baby is taller than me, and is right on the verge of adulthood, and she's interesting and so smart and funny. It makes me a little bit less panicked about my little kids growing up, because I think I will like them even more as teenagers.

As of today, I am 33 years old. Well, it's my today, your tomorrow, which will be your today, which makes my birthday yesterday. It doesn't really matter. The point is, I am 33.

I am 33. Can you believe that? I remember my oldest sister (who is not old) talking about a show called thirtysomething, back when I was knee high to a grasshopper, and I remember thinking 30 was ancient. Now I am thirtysomething, and I still have absolutely no interest in watching that show.

I am feeling my age, a little. I've been a parent for nearly 13 years, but my oldest is more like a toddler, so I am just getting a crash course in parenting a teenager with my Teenager-in-Residence. Today we met with the high school counselor to make a plan, and the 50something counselor made reference to "people our age". She backed up and said something about me being much younger, but it made its mark.

You know what, though? It's not that big of a deal, getting older. I am figuring out that I grow every year. I get fatter, but also, in a philosophical sense. I understand the value of time more and more. I know what a year means, what a year of hardening my heart and hiding from the world feels like, what it produces. I also know what it feels like to try to push my boundaries and love people, regardless of whether that is comfortable. When I look back on a year like that, I feel exhausted, but rich. So I want to live that way. I want my heart to expand every year, and when I am old,like 90, I want to be deep and generous and wise and still giving.

I also want to be a gazillionaire.

33. Holy moly.

Sometimes, you come face to face with your humanity. You know? You power through unbearable obstacles, and survive. You struggle and you fight and you win, over and over again, and then are suddenly brought low by something much lesser than the battles you've won.

I have chipmunks, in my house. They, like me, live here. I want them to die. Back when they lived in the backyard, we were at peace. Even when they occasionally made appearances in the sunroom, but bolted back into their secret hellholes, I basically ignored them. Now they've started chilling in the real house, where I live. Today, I saw one run through my kitchen and disappear into the house. Where did it go? I wondered, panicked. Is it in my bed? 

reposting from a year ago:

I didn’t sleep last night. Did you?

I was dreaming about your baby. Is that weird? Did you dream about him too? Did he keep you awake with his kicking? There’s a bag by my bed with three onesies and 6 tiny pairs of socks. I think, even in the dark, I was aware of it.

Read the rest of this post here.

I'm starting to get that feeling. It's kind of like a soul itch, to try to put it in words. It's this feeling, this sense that things are about to change, and it used to scare me pretty bad, because I'm not such the fan of change. You scoff at that, because I change my hair color every 6 minutes, but that's different. I used to not like major change. In fact, I think I still don't. But I've jumped enough times now that I know what it feels like to be led by God, and caught by God.

There's kind of an exercise I like to put myself through, though... just thinking about what I could do, would do. I think about taking in foster kids, sibling groups.  I think about adopting special needs kids. I think about adopting a little girl from an orphanage in China. I think about writing a book, about renovating a house, about blowing the lid off of the widespread abortion of special needs children, I think about doing more, being more. 

I feel relatively guilty about not blogging for days. On the guilt scale, maybe a 3, though. Not blogging has to get in line. I have a lot of things to be guilty about. ("Oooh," you say, sitting up straighter, "scandal!") I'm sorry, I have a pretty weak amount of scandal around here. No, I just have this slightly overactive guilt complex.

I've never been analyzed by a professional, although the MOG casts doubt on my sanity on a regular basis. "You're acting NUTS!", he says. "Well, you're MEAN." I counter. Jess: 1, MOG: 0.

When the MOG is not cleaning the kitchen with dishtowels or eating cereal in my bed, he's usually on the road with a band of musicians and intercessors, praying, preaching and making music. They also make CDs, and every one is a labor of love, love for God and the church. I'm really proud of this album, I think it's so good, and I don't even care if I'm biased.

Go check it out on iTunes and then buy it! Or if you're more analog and you want a physical copy for your 4 year old to stick in your VCR (you said you were analog), then go over to radiantworship.com and order one!

Radiant Worship: Boldly Close on iTunes

and share the love! Post or tweet this on your various social networks!

Just released!! "RADIANT WORSHIP - Boldly Close" on iTunes! http://bit.ly/pOLLbm // buy it, review it, share the link, share the love.

I spent my childhood inside my head. There were probably people around, but I was busy being Nancy Drew, or a tragic heroine looking out the car window during a sad song.

(Heroine, that's the word, but I am plunged into a plethora of really weak paperback novels stored in my head, in which one of the characters struggles with a terrible drug addiction until finally deciding to follow Jesus, inside a chapel with stained glass windows and a wise black man. In the rain. More than one book.) 

All that to say, I was imaginative, and often wondered if the rest of the world was real, or if it was only me. If I let myself think about that now, I still get kinda weirded out. 

You know, sometimes life throws you a curve ball. I don't speak sports, but I'm pretty sure that means "something unexpected". And then I have to ask myself, how unexpected can it be? There's a guy right in front of you, throwing a ball. How many variables are there? Excluding meteors or other outside interventions, of course. He throws the ball and it should come somewhere around the bat, and if you are more gifted than I am, you hit said ball with the bat. No mystery.

But life, sometimes life is genuinely surprising. Like death, for example. Death is always surprising. You could be expecting someone to die for years, have the burial plots and sit through the illness and then they're suddenly dead and it's shocking, every time.

I've been in the market for an auto-apology device for about 10 years now. Not an automatic-apology device, like that says, "I'm SORRY if I OFFENDED you," because a) that's not an apology and b) that's not what I'm talking about. I am talking about a device that connects to your motor vehicle and can broadcast apologies to surrounding vehicles, and more importantly, their drivers, who are flipping me off.