thirtythree

As of today, I am 33 years old. Well, it's my today, your tomorrow, which will be your today, which makes my birthday yesterday. It doesn't really matter. The point is, I am 33.

I am 33. Can you believe that? I remember my oldest sister (who is not old) talking about a show called thirtysomething, back when I was knee high to a grasshopper, and I remember thinking 30 was ancient. Now I am thirtysomething, and I still have absolutely no interest in watching that show.

I am feeling my age, a little. I've been a parent for nearly 13 years, but my oldest is more like a toddler, so I am just getting a crash course in parenting a teenager with my Teenager-in-Residence. Today we met with the high school counselor to make a plan, and the 50something counselor made reference to "people our age". She backed up and said something about me being much younger, but it made its mark.

You know what, though? It's not that big of a deal, getting older. I am figuring out that I grow every year. I get fatter, but also, in a philosophical sense. I understand the value of time more and more. I know what a year means, what a year of hardening my heart and hiding from the world feels like, what it produces. I also know what it feels like to try to push my boundaries and love people, regardless of whether that is comfortable. When I look back on a year like that, I feel exhausted, but rich. So I want to live that way. I want my heart to expand every year, and when I am old,like 90, I want to be deep and generous and wise and still giving.

I also want to be a gazillionaire.

33. Holy moly.