Yesterday, the screaming. Oy. It began in the morning and you can fill in the rest. All day long with the fevers, and the coughing, and the snot and the miserability. Tempers were short, and a lot of ugly things were said, like if you touch my game i will punch out your head and no you willnt punch out my head tobe you eeeeeeeeeeeeee (mutual choking sounds) and so on.

Then R2 started coughing and screeching, and then Brynn couldn't sleep because she couldn't breathe and so I held her and gave her nose drops, which elevated me to Public Enemy #1. Then, all night, the coughing and the snorting and gagging and crying.

Clearly, logically I needed to take these children to the doctor. I spent the morning wrangling them into clothes, and then back into those clothes, and brushing hair, maintaining my Public Enemy status. To the car, to the doctor.

We waited in the waiting room full of sick little kids, ALL of them appearing sicker than mine. My kids ran around and joked and talked to people and, in general, were not sick. It's a good thing the MOG and I enjoy sitting in waiting rooms for hours.

Once we finally got back to the room, through the decoy doc and on to the real doc, no one had a fever, or any other apparent sickness as they chatted with the doctor. We explained that they had, in fact, been ill, previously. Like, a couple hours ago. She believed us. She knows all about the miracle cure. Lucky for us, Toby did have gunk in his lungs and Brynn had an ear infection, so we were fairly legit. Sheesh.

Today I took Toby and Brynn to McDonalds. They did exactly what a 2 year old and a 3 year old should do, and they were good and funny and smart. Somehow I ended up grieving. 

I wish R2 was different. That is something I rarely say that is absolutely true. I wish my firstborn was normal. I wish he hadn't been premature, I wish he didn't have brain damage. I wish he was perfectly normal like his siblings. 

Should I watch my babies play and grieve my loss? Maybe not. A wiser person would probably recognize the brevity of this season, and embrace the opportunity to watch them. I am not that person today. I miss what Richy should have been. 

Sometimes I see glimpses of him, through the fog. Yesterday he was sitting on the couch during naptime, holding M&M's in his lips (like a tongue) and laughing at himself. I started laughing too... it was a glimpse.

The thing with him is, it's a continual loss. I mean, we will go months or years just accepting him and helping him and celebrating small victories, and then it hits us that he will never outgrow this and there's a season of mourning again.

Maybe someday I will find peace and acceptance. Just him, for who he is and be okay with it. I'm sure I will.

My friend Amy is in labor now... Livi died in the womb a few days ago, and we've been asking God for a miracle. So far He has not answered how we would have hoped. Amy is 21 weeks pregnant. This is her 5th loss.

So my heart is heavy today. Is it God? Is it us? Faith, sovereignty, fallen world? I don't know. I have zero answers.
I know God loves Amy, and John, and Livi.

I'm not struggling so much as I am sad. I'm tired of death.

---

In other news, Toby and Bean are busy little toddlers these days.
They climb. He jumps, she gets stuck.
They share, and they steal and fight.
They laugh at each other and scream at each other.
Just now, we were driving, and he would say "Uh oh!" and across the van a teeny little "Uh oh" would echo back.... then they started roaring back and forth.
Richy rides in between them in the van, but at home he usually keeps a little distance. For one thing, they are probably going to get in trouble. For another thing, they are possibly going to be violent. Just a little safer up on the couch or a couple of feet away.

---

It's hard to fast when I'm sad. A good book or a vat of chocolate would be so helpful right now....

Sometimes, I attempt crazy things. Things like washing the dishes, or writing a blog, or taking a shower. When I step out of the boat like this, bad things happen.




Wait a minute, you're saying... why are these all pictures of Brynn, Angel Bean? Because Toby is too fast to be photographed, that's why.
Like yesterday, for example. Attempted to flush an entire roll of toilet paper. For the third time this week.
I am starting to doubt punishment as a crime deterrent.
I googled, and found a TP saver, for around 5 bucks. It basically looks like a rubber band around the toilet paper roll.

(while I was typing that, I heard the kitchen timer, which is ON TOP of the kitchen counter. Busted a perp with his face in the raisin container. Claims to be a puppy.)

Back to the subject at hand. I don't like to pay for things that aren't worth money, so I made my own TP saver. It's a ribbon... works great so far. I busted Puppy flushing 5 squares of TP earlier. Now that's more like it. This fix is pictured in the picture of Angel Bean on top of the toilet.

I have locks on the stove, the refrigerator, some closet with scary furnace-related pipes, my door and all 3 doors to the outside. I have baby gates on my room and the kitchen. Still, I am no match for these, for whom I prayed.

Inevitabilities of life:
If I have to go somewhere, one child will lose a shoe 3-5 minutes before we have to be in the car. At least one child will spill something on themselves. Poopy diaper(s).

If I mop the floor, within one hour of the floor drying, someone will spill a whole bowl of something, probably something red like chili, or sticky and impossible to sweep, like rice or macaroni and cheese.

If I answer the phone, all hell will break loose. Especially if I am talking to a doctor or government type.

If we go to the park, or an indoor playground, at least one child will have a dirty diaper. Especially if I forgot to bring wipes. This one is so predictable, I could market it as a laxative.

If all three children are asleep, and I am cleaning, even vacuuming in their room, they will stay asleep. If I sneak away to a private room, someone will wake up. Especially if I am eating chocolate very quietly.

If I kick everyone outdoors, they will stand at the door looking in. If they can't go out, they stand looking out.

If I wear white, I will be clutched by peanut butter hands, or tomato saucy ones. If I wear black, it will be snot, or cheese sauce.

---

If I complain about having kids, even jokingly, I remember how desperately I prayed for them, and how lonely I used to be.

Bring on the cheese sauce.

Not a lot to talk about today... I am toying with the idea of NOT unpacking our suitcases... since we're leaving for Texas on Saturday.... I mean, I'll just have to pack again. The same clothes. But the temptation of the full suitcase tempts Toby beyond resistance.. it is continually ransacked. My normal "put it up high" approach is possible, but the climbing! Oy vey.

Today I went to Walmart... had the oil changed on the van, and spent the cursory hour strolling and making impulse purchases (like yogurt, no budget for REAL impulse purchases)... I chose an adorable tiny pair of pink sandals for Bean... we had them through the dairy section... I saw them when I picked out the bacon... they were there when I got the avocados. But alas, they did not make it to the register. Somewhere, probably by the bananas, there is a pair of size 2 sandals ... they are so cute. And now they lie discarded... another time, we tried to buy a cheery green colander. It was worn as a hat throughout the store. Same story. I never saw it go. Ah well, another time.

I got a haircut. At first I hated it, so she kept cutting. Now, it's tolerable. Definitely not loving it. But it's short and blonde, so that's entertaining.

Like I said, folks... not exciting. Peace.

OH! And the Idol finale is tonight! WAHOO! And may the best David win!!

Been slacking a little on the blogging lately. First, I was grumpy. I got progressively better as my children's father spent some time with my children... which meant less climbing on me and screaming in my ear and so on. I was there too, but just having Parent 2 in residence helped a LOT.
Then, Sunday afternoon, a few Radiants (daniel, chris and hannah) came to visit! Wahoo! Monday the some more of the Radiants (leah and nate), which leaves a deficit of a few Radiants (Jacob, his soon-to-be-bride Rachel, and Natalie). Very happy happenings here... I missed my peeps tremendously. Good times, including hilarity.
Last night was the concert... you can watch the vid on yesterday's post. It was awesome except the part where I chased a nutso hyper 2 year old for a long time. My favorite part might have been when I was back in my apartment with sleeping or baby-gated children, peacefully watching the webstream.

Not that I'm complaining, really. I am actually loving this time of being Mommy of the Year to these little people. I do get stressed and exhausted, but I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. Cliched, yes. Sometimes you gotta bust the cliche. Does that need some kind of accent? Cliche' ? Anyways. The point is that most of the time I really love just being mommy. I should blog about that more, instead of just when I'm tired and frustrated.

By the way, Toby knows the alphabet by sight, and some numbers, and most of his colors. I just thought you should know.

Oh, and more of these great pictures over at My picture blog

Today, I took on Nashville and went to get the boys haircuts. First, I made a plan using Google Maps... then off we went. And for once, I got there. Exactly where I was going without driving the wrong direction, or finding the place I mapped to closed down in 1998. Well, there was ONE U-turn. But basically, I rocked the map. We went to a Great Clips. Which is, for you Texans, kinda Supercuts. But the one we went to in KC was super friendly and did a good job... they got it when I said "My kids are rockstars... they can't have geeky hair." Here, not so much.

I refer to that scourge of motherhood... the hostile stylist. She looks skeptically at the picture I have chosen. Yeah, lady. I don't want a buzz cut or a bowl cut with straight bangs. I want my sons to look like PEOPLE. She accepts, and then once Toby is in the chair with the FISH FISH FISH cape on, she asks... "Now, what did you want?"... and I show the picture again. She scoffs... "That haircut is longer than what he has now!"

I spit me of rude customer service. But we forged on. He ended up getting a semi-geeky normal cut. Hopefully, with a little gel and a side part he will be back to rocker. R2 got spikes. By this point I was so intimidated by the woman controlling my son's hair, I just backed down. Sheesh. We might be going back tomorrow to get some corrections done. Or not. Sheesh. Sheesh sheesh sheesh.

The MOG graduated from his class today. While they were having their celebratory potluck, I was at the DMV.
The amount of violent hatred that I hold for the DMV is .... well, violent. WHY does it have to take so long? WHY does it have to be so frustrating? And WHY for the sake of all that is holy is it so complicated??? I can feel my blood pressure rising. Or something.

So anyways. This morning we set off for the DMV at the break of day, 9 am. I got there the first time and realized pre-child removal that I was missing a document. So I drive back home. I then go back and remove children 1,2 and 3. Assign to stroller locations, front seat, back in infant carrier seat, and holding on to the handle and jumping position. Go in, grab desperately for a number... 04. 94 being served. Retreat into hallway with massive stroller and barely-pantsed R2. Sit down, wait. Repeat for infinity. Oh, hey the potluck just started! Early! Who'da thunk? Continue waiting.

Toby: wants out, in, up, down. Eat raisins. Read a book. Sing on toy microphone. Turn mike into guitar, do some wailing solos which include falling on knees and screaming. Eat gummy bears. Color on grocery list. Climb on stroller, poke baby in head. Discuss. Climb on bench, stare in fire extinguisher window. Play guitar some more, pretend to fall down. Fake cry. Talk to creepy people. Discuss.
R2: Stare at people and breathe loud. Eat gummy bears. Make "eat" sign every 36 seconds. Repeat.
Bean: Eat seat belt. Get poked in head. Squeal. Switch from Ah-da to ma ma ma ma. Mildly protest being in car seat. Repeat.
FOR ONE HOUR. Oh my holy freaking government bureaucracy. Finally get called. Go to desk, driving over rows of people with massive stroller. Sit down for 1.5 seconds, to be informed that my name is not on the lien and I cannot do the paperwork to get a license plate.
Arrive at potluck when it is over. The end.

In other news, I need to pack for 4 weeks. How does one do this? It seems like I would need all my stuff.

Well, Bedste is technically off to the airport. Actually, she's going to sit in the house of prayer for 3 hours with R1, but she already said goodbye to me and mine. We had a great visit. It's very surreal seeing people from home and then all of the sudden they're gone for months. I wonder how that translates to R2 and Toby's brains. Bean was not a fan of VKG this visit. She felt that Eva was the cause of me being gone for 3 days. Finally, today she smiled at her. Funny stuff.

Idol last night... my favorite didn't do his best performance, that being David Cook. But he's still awesome and I expect him to be in the top 3 and NOT win the whole thing. Then tonight is 2 and a half hours for the Idol Gives Back special, and tomorrow is the results show... lotta idol this week. Tonight will probably be pretty boring, however. Too many celebrities.

A sad development in my life: the day I got the plague last week, I had sampled the CinnaSnacks from Sonic. After sampling them again countless times that night, I don't know if I will ever like cinnamon again. This is life-altering, as I have cinnamon snack sites sprinkled across this city. Ugh. I'm feeling a little queasy even mentioning it.

Real queasy. Quick, somebody change the subject.

Talked to Leah on the phone this marnin... 32 minutes. It's like a world record, for me. Because, in case you've NEVER read my blog, I hate the phone. And that is why, despite being in Kansas City for 3 months today, this is my first extended phone call.

I blog here, tubside, with two blue-eyed babies jamming to some Radiant and drinking tub water. (shudder) Who'da thunk it? That I'd have two babies here, and that they'd be so cute? Of course, R2 is adorable too. But he's not in here. He prefers to bathe alone these days. Less splashing and chaos. Currently, he is being very quiet somewhere. Which makes me think he is just peacefully watching TV in my room. Because, unlike some other members of this family, silence does not always indicate perfidy with Richy.

Since I posted that video of Bean "crawling" a couple of days ago, she has mastered her craft. No, still not traditional crawling. But army crawling at great speed, with skill. I think it's very fun to go in another room and wait for her to slide in here. And she is always ecstatic to find us, even if she just found us a minute ago.

It's Friday, folks! Hows about you ask me something to inspire me to think deeply? Or even just inspire me to write creatively? And I'll do a deep thinking/creative writing day next week.

OH! And I should be a great-aunt again in a few hours!! Wahoo! Pictures, please!

I made it to the Y today... treadmilled for 30 minutes whilst Brynn wailed. Hopefully we're building endurance and not just breaking her spirit. Toby also expressed his emotions at a healthy volume for a while... next week I'm bringing headphones (earbuds, actually) to plug into the treadmill. UNLESS I choose to go to "Body Blast" aerobics or water aerobics... but they're like an hour long and I don't know if my clarklings can handle being dropped off that long. We shall see.

I received a really gorgeous bouquet last night... red carnations and a few roses and other red flowers... it's so vibrant and bright. I love it. I love flowers. I bought the boys heart balloons and one of them (the balloons) escaped today while we were out. We thought it was a lost cause but it got snagged in a low tree and I was able to rescue it. :)

So now Toby is sharing his opinion of naptime in a determined, passionate and persistent manner. Too bad. The MOG is about to leave for the house o' prayer with R2, and Bean and I will have an hour or two to ourselves at home.

So there you go, there's the update. Much love to all my family and friends and even rodents and mutants out there in the blogpshere. Happy Valentines!

I am also posting some new pictures over here.





there are two more videos to go here. myspace was linking to yukky stuff so I have to try to host them elsewhere.

My boys like to eat. Not my husband. He uses food for fuel. But my sons.... they know how to go to the trough.
I've been giving them cereal for break-tiss, but they are hungry again in 15 minutes. So today I did a big breakfast with french toast and bacon and such. Inhaled. Maybe an hour before I'm getting the "eat" sign from R2. (Sigh)

Eating out is getting expensive... no sharing plates with us, they eat it all. So we have started going to Cici's for our out-to-eat. You have to understand, I have always hated Cicis. Use the name as a curse and so on. But Toby the Vaccuum is free, and the rest of us are like 3 or 4 bucks. Nobody counts Carseat Bean, she just eats crusts, anyway. It is HILARIOUS to watch them eat. They put away probably 5-7 slices of pizza each. And then dessert. (oh, and on a side note, Cici's has awesome cinnamon rolls. Who'da thunk?)

I've been making big pots o' stuff meals, chili and beans and rice and such. And we're finishing them off. This is so funny...

Anyway, these little dollar pizzas, tony's or tonitos or something. They have been eating half a pizza each. So today I am experimenting with giving them an entire pizza each. Currently, Toby has pretty much just crust left and Richy has about a slice and a half. Awesome.

No blog today. My brain is fried from children.

I had planned to upload some videos on here today... you know what they say about plans.

Well, they say a lot of things about plans. The one I'm talking about is, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." That one. By the way, have I endorsed Evan Almighty on here? Because it is GREAT. I wouldn't watch it for months for fear of sacrilege, and then Richy found a Christian review and talked me into it. And I loved it. Not BRUCE Almighty- NO. Evan Almighty. I digress.

So, no video. Lots of poop and tears and things falling and being thrown. Toby has learned "MINE!" And now, Cici's. It just gets worse and worse.

L8r.

Last night we found a resale shop. I just went in to check it out... wanting to spend the last of the Christmas money and maybe buy a temporary dining table. There were a couple of options, which were ultimately voted down by the Fashionista/MOG. More meals on the couch. Sheesh. Ugly does not equal no good. Anyways.

Later we attempted to attend a prayer rally/service for the Luke 18 project. We made it through worship, but as soon as it was time to sit down, Tobias felt the need to entertain the masses. Dancing, singing, crawling like a baby, running down aisles. We made a discreet exit by gathering 2 tons of winter garb, massive diaper bag, laptop case, car seat with Bean, and a whining Toby. Jumping R2 followed discreetly behind. Sigh. We are going to have to figure this out.

In other news, I really like this house. It is cozy and happy. And my kitchen is huge, although I am not loving me washing dishes by hand.

I need to finish unpacking clothes, and do some laundry. It is, however, approximately 30 degrees in the garage, where the washer and dryer are. So unpacking it shall be.

These anonimis get pretty snarky come late afternoon. I am here, I am posting now. First, I had to put up this pretty cool weather widget ---->
Not exactly what I wanted, but close!
Also, there is the matter of these three children, who continually require food and such.

I think I am starting to get excited about moving. Which sounds terrible and disloyal and so on. But I'm not excited about leaving YOU... I'm excited about the adventure. Which is as it should be. And I'm excited about a new city, and a new Walmart, and a new library... and I am VERY nervous. I'm afraid of being lonely, or homesick. I'm afraid of being scared to drive in the snow, I am also excited about the snow. And, I am talking like a nut.
Cest la vie.

Tonight is the Radiant/Tred Christmas party. Oh heck... I'm supposed to make a snack. I will leave you now.

If this works, then good.

My kids want to get out of the house. But it is alarmingly cold. I hear you Yankees scoffing. Look, this is cold. Maybe there's no snow. Maybe there's no frostbite. Maybe, it's 40 something degrees. All I know is when I open the door, the Arctic wind blows in.

Maybe we'll go to the mall. Ay ay ay.

I feel very rich this Christmas. Not in a fiscal sense... But rich with my family around me and all this joy. And tantrums and snot and peanut butter wiped on everything, yes. But so much joy. I went a little nuts at the dollar store. It's very festive around here.

We move in 23 days. Is this really happening?