Yesterday we went around everywhere getting the van ready for Richy
to drive it to Tennessee. (what did Tenne see boys, what did Tenne see?)
We got a few miles into our journey when the ac quit cooling. BLEH.
So finally, me and Toby, or Toby and I if you prefer, got dropped off
at the library.
What is this instinctive thing in babies that says... "Quiet place...
needs some screaming." Toby screamed his head off all through the
library. I got dirty looks... and Toby hardly ever gets dissed like
that. Finally I got him in the bathroom where his screams echoed off
the walls like some kind of torture chamber. Sheesh. Finally he fell
asleep and I took him around in the Snugli. Obtained 2 or 3 new
books, a recycled Gilbert Morris series, and the works of Jane Austen
(to compare to the movies).... and a very obscure CS Lewis book
called Till We Have Faces. Very exciting.

When we finally got home and settled, R1 went out on the porch and
found a snake. ON THE PORCH. It appeared to be a copperhead, so we
called our resident snake authority (pablo) and he came and assessed
the situation. It was a chicken snake. In our defense, he showed us a
picture of a copperhead and it looked VERY similar.
Sometimes I am not lovin the country.

Today: no plan. Glorious.

Yesterday, church was awesome.... We were moving along in worship and I was trying hard to concentrate on worshipping... sometimes I just have to really focus my mind.
Then I see Kimberly walk over to Denise and the next thing I know, Kim is laying in Denise's lap and Denise is bent all the way over her.... I just figured it was some tremendous mother/daughter healing going on or something... but Denise was tipping over further and further and I thought they might fall off the chair. Then, after a while, Denise leaves Kim laying across the chairs and stands up.
Sometimes crazy things happen at our church. You just have to roll with it.
Then, somebody else walked up to D. She started praying for her and over they both went. So after a minute D had a line waiting.... I could feel the Holy Spirit really wanting to take over the place. So then D is standing there with slain women all around her on the chairs and the floor. It looked like the Civil War. Only they were women, and they weren't in uniform, and they weren't dead or bleeding. And we were indoors... Later there was a big altar time where everybody came and received.

Meanwhile, on the stage, the worship team had moved into a Trading my sorrows/Joy medley.

And here's what happened to me. As I was singing about trading my sorrows for the Joy of the Lord, I got it. It was like the Lord was saying, today, NOW, trade your grief for joy.
See, I have carried my suffering with me for years. Yeah, it's been rough and I have had a lot of tragedy. BUT I just felt clearly- let me say I KNEW clearly, that that was it. Lay it down. Lay down my rightful sorrow and move on. And taking the joy of the Lord as my strength.
Imagine Lazarus coming out of that tomb. And he is looking around in disbelief. "Am I through being dead?? What do I do now?"
And the first thing he has to do is get out of the graveclothes. (2nd thing, bathe)

So here I am. I am laying down my grief. I love my sons.... Evan and Rees. I will always miss them. But it's time to open the new chapter. Take off the graveclothes. Then what? I don't know. I've been promised joy for the trade.

Sounds like a good trade to me.

Today I will be going to the parenting class at Sanctuary. And then
to Nini's not-swimming party. So that should be a fun but long day.

Thanks everybody, for the encouragement. I am still fasting the
internet until June 5th. So, I'll post here and I am reading your
comments, which are sent automatically to my email. But I won't be
around much.

It's crazy, how chocolate and entertainment have numbed me for years.
And now the anesthetic is wearing off and I don't like it.
Peace.

What I need is a conversion experience.

See, I've done everything before. I have read the Bible, memorized the Bible. Set aside quiet times. Set aside intercession times. Worshipped in a closet. Led home groups. Prayed for the sick. Saw healings. Prophesied. Wept over sin.
Preached from the pulpit. Sang on a stage. Handed out tracts, gone door-to-door, servant evangelism, street evangelism, shoot... phone survey evangelism. Led people to the Lord. Cried and laughed and listened and ignored.

Check. Done that.

Now I just need Jesus. I don't know Him. And I need to know Him. I want Him to come in and rearrange me, change me.
I don't want any of the other stuff... I'm sure it will all work out.

But I need Jesus.

I don't want to jinx myself.... but Toby has slept from 10-6 for like
3 days now.... crazy. I have to adjust to sleeping through the night.
What a good problem.

ugh.

Pray for me. I need to want God. I need to love His word.
I don't.
It's just not alive to me. I read it and it all feels monotone...
like a chore. I don't want that...

what if
I call for You
and You don't come

what if
I'm waiting
and You're busy

what if
You do come
and You don't like me

what if
You change everything
and I don't like it

what if
I try really hard
and I still can't find You

what if
everybody asks me where You are
and I don't know what to say

what if?

Mornin, all.
Yesterday I went out by myself for the second time... Richy kept R2
and Toby. I'm on a pretty short leash because Toby won't take a
bottle. But I had 2 glorious hours of aloneness. I went to Cinco De
Mayo and ate. Just ate and ate. It's weird how used you get to
gobbling your food while bouncing a baby on one leg.
I also went to the library. Then I received a very sad phone call
from Toby and came home.
It was great, and then I was so happy to see my boys again.
I remember being a kid, and being by myself a lot. Everybody in the
family was older... then I got popular at school and started to like
being the party.
Then I grew up and got tired of being the party.
Then a lot of sad things happened and I needed to be alone.
Now I am happy and I am never alone... but I still crave solitude
sometimes. So yesterday was a blessing.

Today is guys day.. a guy will choose the topics and womenfolk will
wait until noon to argue. = )
And the first topic will be chosen by.... Naytron

Very fun Mother's Day in Galveston with the Yablonskis.... although I was frustrated by the supposed wireless access not working for us...
We started a 21 day fast yesterday. I am somewhat excused since I am responsible for Toby's complete nutrition, but I'm fasting sweets and the internet... except for you, my bloggeratis.

Last night's meeting was great... a very fitting last Monday. Man, I am looking forward to the next chapter.

Happy MD to any woman who has ever loved a little one in His name...
you will reap in joy.

So, in the tone of yesterday's blog, Mother's Day has changed for me...
Last year I don't remember... I probably didn't go to church.
It's just that same selective perception thing... all the sudden,
because of my losses... I am aware of what a hard day that is for
people... who want to be moms, or have kids away from God, or who
have children or mothers in heaven.
So I want to be celebrated; and I want to celebrate my mom. It's just
bittersweet now, thinking of my sons in heaven, and my friends who hurt.

I'm not one who says it's just a marketing scam. I LIKE holidays.
Especially ones with presents. Bring 'em on, I say.

So, to bring this blog to some kind of point, keep your heart open
this Sunday to people who may be sad.... amen.

It's wierd how you don't notice things until they affect you personally. I remember seeing Toyota Corollas everywhere after we bought ours... still do, as a matter of fact.
Other things that my eyes have been opened to....
Special needs people... honestly, I never really paid attention. You know, you just kinda look away. Now, growing my own"special"... I see the people in there. And SN kids are so fun... not everything, but there is usually a pretty good sense of humor and sweetness... It's interesting to learn another world... kinda going crazy on the ellipsis this morn...
Oh, and now I hate it when people say "retarded" as a cutdown. HEY! That's a dumb way to use that word. It means delayed. So it's not an insult... but now it is and I always kinda cringe when I hear it.

And the whole universe of child loss and infertility.... wow.
After I lost my twins, or rather had my twins and they died, I found an online forum/message board for Christian women suffering from loss or infertility. You guys cannot understand what that community meant to me, and still means to me. I had to have my family, I had to have my church family, and I had to have this community called Hannah's Prayer.
Just .... sharing a cup of suffering.... and they've been there or they are there. What a blessing.
So now, I see things differently. I have known the agony of wanting a child, desperately, and waiting and hoping and losing. And then hoping again and getting my baby. I will never be the same after this journey.
So now I have my eyes open. And I see people around me, wanting, waiting.

Just kinda introspective this morning.. wonder who else I will "find" as I grow?

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**GREAT new pix on the family pix blog**